But, the Mormon queerosphere is like a living organism and is continually evolving. And, now I'm starting to ponder my place here. For one thing, it seems as though the average age of the gay Mormon blogger has been declining over time. Not to suggest that is a bad thing. But I have children older than many of the active bloggers, or so it seems; and, it is causing me to wonder if there a place for an old curmudgeon like myself. Or would it be best for all, myself included, if I were to just fade back into obscurity? Perhaps I need to move on.
I've got to move on and be who I am
I just don't belong here
I hope you understand
We might find our place in this world someday
But at least for now
I gotta go my own away
The thing I worry about is other people like me - older and, after years of suppression and denial, coming to terms with their sexuality - especially those who are married and whose children are older. Often it feels like we are a demographic that's not supposed to exist. By the time you reach the stage of life I find myself in, it seems many have yielded to their sexual attractions and have left the church, sometimes even their families, in pursuit of a happiness which they've been unable to achieve. Those of us who are still hanging on are a statistical anomaly - presumably too insignificant to even acknowledge.
There is no denying that the Mormon queerosphere has played an important part of my life. It has helped me come to terms with a part of me that I've spent most of my life trying to ignore - which is why I feel so torn and conflicted; why it hurts to think that the Mormon queerosphere has evolved into something that is no longer a haven for people like me, a place where we can feel a sense of belonging. Where else is there for someone like me to turn to? Perhaps I am a statistical anomaly - is there anyone else out there who is active in the LDS church, married, an empty nester- and gay?
I haven't made any firm decisions - this is not intended to be a farewell post - just saying what's been on my mind lately and why I haven't felt much like posting. Perhap's it's finally happened - maybe I've just run out of things to say.