Fans Shocked at Bugs Bunny Gay RevelationIt's all falling into place now. How many times did we see Bugs Bunny in drag? How many times did he kiss Elmer Fudd on screen?
I am what I am
I am my own special creation
So come take a look, give me the hook
Or the ovation
It's my world that I want to have a little pride in
My world and it's not a place I have to hide in
Life's not worth a damn till you can say
I am what I am
I am what I am
I don't want praise, I don't want pity
I bang my own drum
Some think it's noise, I think it's pretty
And so what if I love each sparkle and each bangle
Why not try see things from a different angle
Your life is a sham
Till you can shout out - I am what I am
I am what I am
And what I am needs no excuses
I deal my own deck
Sometimes the ace, sometimes the deuces
It's one life and there's no return and no deposit
One life so it's time to open up your closet
Life's not worth a damn, till you can shout out
I am what I am
I am what I am
. . .
I am what I am
And what I am needs no excuses
I deal my own deck, sometimes the ace, sometimes the deuces
It's one life and there's no return and no deposit
One life so it's time to open up your closet
Life's not worth a damn till you can shout out
I am what I am
000 I am, ooo I am, I am I am I am good
I am I am I am strong
I am I am I am worthy
I am I am I belong
ooo
I am
I am
Who whoooo, who whoooo, who I am
I am I am I am useful
I am I am I am true
I am I am somebody
I am as good as you
Uh huh
Uh huh
ooo ooo ooo ooo Yes I am
ah ah ah ah Yes I am
. . .
Here is your halloween treat. A short film on LogoOnline titled Gay Zombie. It's about 20 minutes long.
While commenting on another blog today, I noticed a checkbox where I could request follow-on comments to be emailed to me.
Is this a new feature in blogger?
Last night my daughter and I were watching Stargate Atlantis together. Afterwards, we sat on the couch just talking about stuff. Then, out of the blue, she started talking about Lance Bass (of 'N Sync fame) and how he had come out as gay ("why are the cute ones are always gay?" I think is what she said). We then started listing off other gay celebraties. She talked about how she just doesn't understand how someone can determine that they are gay. Seeing this as a teaching moment, I started to say something. But, then she saidoSuddenly I was speechless . . .
o
o
oIt was awkward . . .
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Looking back, I think even my family suspected that I might be gay. Just remembering little things they would say to me, such as telling me how manly I was. Another hint of their suspicions is from my senior year in high school. My brother in law (sister's husband) started loaning me his Playboy magazines - and my parents were OK with it. Even then I found that odd as they were devout christians and decried such things. When I turned 18, I was even encouraged to start buying my own Playboy magazines. What I don't think they considered is that not all of the pictures in Playboy magazine are exclusively girls - there is the occasional guy posing with a girl (at least there was back then, I don't know what Playboy is like these days).
But, there is another side of me. A cheerful me, a happy me. And, sometimes he comes out to play too. Today my happy side is showing. Church always seems to recharge my spiritual batteries. I don't know why, but conference doesn't do that for me so much. I mean, conference was OK - but, I didn't have the spiritual experiences with it that others seemed to have. Perhaps it's the personal interaction with other saints coupled with inspirational talks - who knows? In any case, I'm feeling better today than I was when I last posted. So, I figured I better hurry up and post again before the feeling passes and I lapse back into my slump.
I went in for a physical earlier this week. I had to change doctor's because my previous one moved out of the area. Last week I scheduled an appointment with my new doctor to get new prescriptions for my meds. He told me that it would be illegal for him to write prescriptions for me without first examining me - ergo the need for a physical. I'm not sure I believe the 'illegal' part, especially since I just had a physical earlier this year which he could just as easily have reviewed the results of. But, it's all water under the bridge now. I went, and he poked his hands into every orifice of my body.The blood sugar wasn't a big surprise, it's been on the upper side of 'normal' for a while now. The cholesterol is a surprise, I've never had a problem with high cholesterol (I was last tested 6 months ago). Regarding being fat, well, I knew that going into the physical. He told me that I need to exercise more and that I'm a candidate for weight loss surgery; he gave me the numbers for a couple of doctors that specialize in that area.
So, now I'm trying to decide what to do. The thing is, I'm not sure I care. Controlling of my blood sugar and cholesterol, exercising more, and losing weight would certainly give me a longer life expectancy - but, do I want to live longer? Overall, I've lived a good life. I've raised 4 children who are no longer dependent on me. I have a good life insurance policy; so, my wife would be well taken care of in the event of my untimely demise. So, perhaps, I've outlasted my usefulness.
I've had suicidal thoughts before; but, this isn't the same. I'm not thinking of ways to off myself, I'm just not sure I care if something were to happen to bring on my premature death. That's different - right? Or is it? I don't know? Does it matter? Do I care? I'm not afraid of death. Although, truthfully, I don't really know if that is because of my deep abiding faith - or because life sucks.
In any event, this isn't a suicide note. I'm not going anywhere. But, in case I suddenly, and without warning, stop posting to my blog - you'll know why. You can write my epitaphPoor Abelard - he shouldn't have eaten that last donut
When I first starting coming to terms with my sexual orientation, I considered myself "struggling with same gender attraction". The SwSGA nomenclature is certainly more politically correct in our Mormon culture as well as the conservative american culture. It carries with it an underlying assumption that one doesn't want to be that way. Many people can relate with that - they cannot comprehend what it would be like to not be attracted to the opposite gender, and certainly wouldn't want to be that way. For them, it would be a constant struggle, trying to change from an unwanted proclivity to that of being 'normal'.If there were a pill to make you straight, would you take it?
There was once a day, in the not too distant past, when I would have said "yes" without giving it a second thought. That was back when I 'struggled with same gender attraction'. Today, my answer would be "no". As I've come to accept this part of me, I've realized that it is intricately interwoven into the very fabric of my being. Liking guys extends far beyond sexual attraction. It reaches out into my talents, my strengths, and my weaknesses. It influences my perception of love and other emotions. If you were to take this away from me - then what would be left? I would be like a piece of swiss cheese riddled with holes.
So, what should I call myself? If I I don't 'struggle with same gender attraction' then do I 'have same gender attraction'? Am I 'same gender attracted'? It is such an awkward term. In our american culture, the word 'gay' has been defined to refer to those who are attracted to their same gender. I am a simple man, and 'gay' is a simple word. Am I to reject a word simply because it is one that the world uses and not one that the brethren use? Much of the terminology used by the brethren is carefully chosen because their words are translated into multiple languages. That is not something I need to concern myself with.
The other argument against using words like 'gay' are the negative connotations they carry. But, this doesn't really apply to someone who is completely closeted like myself. People who know me (even if only through my blog) know that I do not engage in promiscuous sex, I do not take drugs, I've never been to a club (gay or otherwise), and I don't live a hedonistic lifestyle. If someone chooses to think these things about me then isn't that their problem and not mine?
So, I prefer to think of myself as simply 'gay'. We have been counseled to not use words like 'homosexual' and 'gay' to define ourselves - and I agree with that. My tag line says "An exploration of what it means to be Married, Mormon, and Gay" - the order I listed those is deliberate. Gay is not what defines me - it is just part of who I am.
In my last post, Forester posed the following questionWhy is it that we want so much from the church? And, what is it that we really want? Acceptance? More attention? More discussion? We know that gay sex is wrong, so where do we go from here?
Fair questions. I started to reply in a comment; but, I decided to blog about it as my comment was getting quite lengthy.
Why is it that we want so much from the church?
This question carries with it an assumption that suggests the church has already done a lot for us and that we still want it to do more (perhaps, even, more than is reasonable). So, what exactly has the church done for us? In the last five years we have seen
This isn't counting the occasional reference to homosexuality in a talk on some other topic; nor responses to questions asked by the media, nor does it include the change to the BYU Provo honor code (which only affects a small subset - and then only while they are at BYU).
Is this a lot? Is it so unreasonable to expect more?
The single members of 'the family' who truly feel that marriage cannot be in their future are told that they must live out their lives in celibacy; all while enduring continuing talks and council about why marriage is so important. They are counseled that any sort of intimacy with a member of their same gender, however platonic, is strictly forbidden. Therefore, their only choice is to live a life of solitude and loneliness.
The members of 'the family' who are in, or are considering, a mixed orientation marriage are told that they must forever ignore their natural attractions. While celibacy is not required, they are taken to the fountain of sexual fulfillment but only allowed to take small sips, never allowed to quench their thirst.
In light of such strong demands, is it selfish to want a little more comfort and encouragement in return?
Why do we want so much from the church? Isn't the church asking a lot of us? In addition to everything that the church asks of all of its members (attend to family responsibilities, keep the commandments, pray, read the scriptures, attend church, magnify our callings, do our home/visiting teaching, be member missionaries, food storage, family history, render service, yada, yada, yada), they are also demanding that we put our natural proclivities on hold with a vague promise that, if faithful, we will no longer have those inclinations in the next life (a point that I'm not 100% convinced is even true, see Eternally gay?). Is it really so unreasonable to want more guidance and encouragement to do the things we are expected to do?
What is it that we really want?
My employer has the following nondiscrimination policy:Business activities such as hiring, training, compensation, promotions, transfers, terminations and [business]-sponsored social and recreational activities are conducted without discrimination based on race, color, genetics, religion, gender, gender identity or expression, sexual orientation, national origin, disability, age or status as a special disabled veteran or other veteran covered by the Vietnam Era Veterans Readjustment Act of 1974, as amended.
Is it really so unreasonable to expect at least as much from my church? As I stated in my previous post, when I read God Loveth His Children, what I get out of the pamphlet isIt’s OK to be gay as long as we: don’t have gay sex, don’t think about gay sex or have other gay thoughts, don’t act gay or exhibit gay attributes, and don’t have gay friends (and don't use words like 'gay', although not explicitly stated in the pamphlet).
To further summarize, it's OK to be gay as long as we're not gay. Or, in other words, as long as we don't do anything to suggest to others that we're different - as long as we can pretend to be a typical straight Mormon then everything is hunky doorey.
I'm OK with the no gay sex prohibition - I really am. But, why do I need to suppress everything gay about me in order to be considered a good Mormon? I've been doing that my entire life, and I've paid a stiff price in terms of depression, anxiety, feelings of unworth - and I cannot continue down that path; to do so will only lead to my early demise (in a very literal sense).
Do we want Acceptance?
No gay sex - we get it! Now, can you please accept us for who we are and not demand that we pretend to be something else? Why must being gay be so shameful? Why must it be considered so abhorrent that we are not even supposed to call it by it's common name? Why is being gay 'that which shall not be named?'
Do we want more attention?
When sufficient numbers exist, the church often makes special provisions for members who are single, speak a different primary language than the surrounding community at large, have special needs, etc. Would it be so terrible to make special provisions for gay members? Why can't there be a gay ward in Salt Lake City? What would be wrong with a gay Mormon tabernacle choir? Rather than discourage, why not encourage platonic same sex relationships? We have marriage relations and family relations sunday school classes, why not a mixed orientation marriage relations class? Or a gay couple relations sunday school class that focuses on how to make a platonic relationship work? Instead of a pamphlet that tells us that God loves us as long as we don't do anything that makes the straight membership uncomfortable, why not a "For the Strength of Gay Members" pamphlet that focuses more on the do's and less on the don'ts (we got those already - you really don't need to keep hammering them into us).
Do we want more discussion?
We all know the do's and don'ts. What we need is more discussion on 'how'. How can we make a life of celibacy be meaningful? How can we build a strong relationship with our spouse when we are not sexually attracted to them? We need more frank discussion with the general membership to educate them that the, so called, 'gay lifestyle' is not as the media portrays it (anymore than the 'straight lifestyle' being as the media portrays it). We are not a bunch of perverted monsters out to corrupt their children with our evil ways. We need to teach tolerance for those who have different views than us - even if those views are diametrically opposed to our beliefs. The 11th article of faith says "We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may." - it doesn't say "except if you're gay."
We know that gay sex is wrong, so where do we go from here?
Exactly! No gay sex - we get it! Many of us are not having gay sex. Some have tasted of the forbidden fruit and have gone through the repentance process. Now what? Is that is? Is that all we get? A pat on the head while saying "no gay sex, good boy."
I'm sorry if this is all coming across so negative. I love the church - I really do. I love being a Mormon. I have a testimony. But, I'm frustrated. I'm frustrated with being that which shall not be named. I'm frustrated that I can't just be myself - having to constantly be on guard with everything I say or do, every little mannerism. But, most of all, I'm frustrated with myself for cowering in my closet.
One of the purposes of the church is to help "bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man" (Moses 1:39). However, if we consider the retention rate of the gay membership - we ain't doing so good.
I watched the YouTube video titled Spirituality of the Rising LDS Generation Pt1: "Flexibility" - an interview of BYU senior John Kovalenko. In the interview, John said that he hates labels; so, I'll just say that he is 'in the family' (or, in other words, he's one of 'us'). Much can be said about the things in this interview; however, one thing, in particular, stuck with me - he talked about the barrier of silence.
When I heard 'barrier of silence', these words of mine came rushing back - that is the barrier of silence John Kovalenko refers to. In his commentary, Foxx asked the poignant question: Well, if I can’t have sex with a man, can’t think homosexual thoughts, can’t act gay, and can’t have gay friends, what is there left that’s gay about me? Perhaps that is the intent - we are to purge ourselves of every visage of 'gay' from our very being. Recent statements by church authorities have said that the church does not advocate any particular form of therapy. However, isn't this 'purging the gay out of ourselves' essentially the treatment advocated by ex-gay groups like Exodus International?
Some have asked "Short of changing it's doctrine, what else would you have the church do?" I agree that changing the doctrine is an unreasonable expectation; however, questions like these carry with them an underlying arrogance implying that the church has already done everything it can for it's gay members short of changing it's doctrine; so, we should just shut up and live out our lives in silence - and alone.
The church needs more people John Kovalenko. People unafraid to say "I'm attracted to guys - and that's OK." Unfortunately, some of us are so deeply entrenched in our closets that our cries are too muffled to be heard. It may be up to the rising generation to tear down the barrier of silence that is so deeply ingrained in our Mormon culture and to silence the mormono-fascists. And maybe, just maybe, one day those of us trapped in our closets may feel safe to come out.
A new pamphlet recently released.
