Alone

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Alone by Mormon Enigma

Standing
In a room full of people
People talking
Talking all around
Talking with each other,
Talking with me
Talking at me
People moving
Moving all around
Moving towards me
Moving away from me
Bumping into me
And yet
I am all alone
Alone in my thoughts
Alone with my secrets
Dark secrets
Dark, deep secrets
Yelling
Yelling in my mind
Help me
Help me with my dark deep secrets
But nobody hears me
Nobody sees my anguish
Nobody sees my pain
So
I adjust my mask
Must hide my anguish
Must hide my pain
What if they learn of my dark deep secrets?
Afraid what they will think of me
Will they reject me?
Will they shun me?
Can I risk it?
So, I’m left standing
With a mask, smiling
Nobody can know
Nobody can suspect
Must only see my mask
Must not see the real me
Me, with my dark deep secrets
Eating away at me
Devouring me
Slowly killing me
And I am left standing
In a room full of people
Yet
I am all alone

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I wrote this verse in my personal journal on November 2, 2006. A comment that accompanied this version in my journal said "This is the first time I ever tried writing like this; so, I hope this isn’t too corny." This was just a week or so after I finally admitted to myself that I was gay; and, I was feeling very much alone. Actually, at that time I wasn't calling myself 'gay' yet. I considered myself as a person who 'struggled with same gender attraction'. But, even that was a major step for me. Prior to that I tried to deny that I had these attractions.

Since that time, I've joined a few discussion groups. I've met other people like me on the internet, several of which I correspond with via email. And, I've started this blog. So, my feelings of loneliness have somewhat diminished; but, I can still relate with this verse.