Our Book of Rememberance > Suicide Memorial
Henry Stuart Matis (1967-2000)
To Be Gay — And Mormon
Alone in the fold: Many LDS gays struggle to cling to faith despite their yearnings
Requiem for a Gay Mormon
To Be Mormon and Gay
The last link is an excerpt from a letter Stuart Matis wrote to his 18 year old cousin. A statement in that letter haunts me:
The church has no idea that as I type this letter, there are surely boys and girls on their calloused knees imploring God to free them from this pain. They hate themselves. They retire to bed with their finger pointed to their head in the form of a gun. Every waking moment of every day they must be on constant alert not to divulge any clues that will identify themselves to their peers. "Was my glance at that boy too long? Does he think I'm gay? Will he now publicize my secret and beat me up?" They are afraid of their parents. They are afraid of their bishop. They are afraid of their friends. They have nowhere to go but to lay on the floor curled in a ball and weep themselves to sleep. ...
I relate to this so much. Reading the The Stuart Matis story makes me want to cry. It just seems that there isn’t a place for gay Mormon’s in this world. We are forced to hide our gay selves from church members; but, we aren’t accepted in the general gay community, especially if we haven’t totally renounced the church. It’s no wonder to me that so many of us feel so lonely and, sometimes, just want to end our lives. I hope that I am able to find a place in this world so that I don’t reach a state of total despair.