Weakness

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Weakness by Abelard Enigma

“The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak”
These words pierce my very soul
I want to be a good person
I want to do the right thing
But, I fear my weaknesses may one day betray me
What will I do if faced with temptations at a time of weakness?
Will I betray those that I love
Or are there some lines I will not cross
Regardless how strong the temptation?
It is not faith in God that I lack
If only I had more faith in myself
So that I could know, with a surety,
That I will never give in to certain temptations
But
There are no sure things in life
So, I must be content with the knowledge that today,
I did not yield to temptation
And a hope for tomorrow
That I can say the same

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I wrote this verse in my personal journal on November 13, 2006. It was starting to understand that successful mixed orientation marriages are extremely rare. It was also starting to realize that admitting to myself that I'm gay at the ripe old age of 50 isn't all that unusual. Prior to that I had been deluding myself that since I made it this far then I could make it all the way. At this point in my life, I want to remain married to my wife and I don't want to do anything that might jeopardize either my marriage or my standing in the church. However, I started to discern that I may not always feel this way. I can't imagine not feeling this way; but, a year ago I couldn't imagine calling myself 'gay'.