Thursday, August 26, 2010


According to Wikipedia
Loneliness is a feeling in which people experience a strong sense of emptiness and solitude. Loneliness is often compared to feeling empty, unwanted, and unimportant. Someone who is lonely may find it hard to form strong interpersonal relationships.
Yup, that about sums it up for me.

In its chronic form, loneliness is considered a life threatening condition with an increased risk of cancer, stroke, and cardiovascular disease.  It also affects sleep quality thus resulting in diminished restorative processes.  Of course, being jobless only adds to my feelings of emptiness, unwanted, and unimportant - which leads me to having trouble sleeping - and so on and so forth as I spiral ever downward.

For instance, the other day I was having a bad day:  I woke up with a sore back, then my phone quit working, it was hot (got up to 107 degrees F).  But, the thing that just really set me off was when I went to get gas in my car.  The local QT gas station had 32 oz drinks for 49¢ all summer - so, I would fill up and then go in and get a diet coke.  But, when I went in, the 32 oz drinks were now 99¢.  Evidently, that was a summer special that had ended. I walked out empty handed feeling really depressed - and I haven't been able to get over it.  It sounds so stupid and juvenile - but that's just my state of mind right now.  The silliest things can set me off.  My back is feeling better - I have a service plan on my phone; so, it didn't cost me anything to get a replacement - the heat wave has broken, yesterday it only got up to the mid 80's - just pay the extra 50¢ for the damn drink if it would make me happy.  So, why am I still feeling depressed about it?

Intellectually, I know what the problem is; and, I don't like feeling this way - I just don't know what to do about it.  I've quit doing things I used to enjoy - even this blog post will be lucky to see the light of day.  Lately I've been having dreams of suicide.  I don't mean to scare anyone because I'm not on the verge of doing anything rash during my waking hours - but is it only a matter of time before my dreams become reality?

Most doctors recommend therapy.  Problem is, my health insurance runs out next month; so, if I don't find a job (which seems unlikely since I've been looking for the past 17 months without result) I'll be entering the growing ranks of the uninsured.  Therapy just isn't an option for me right now.

Some days I just want someone to talk to - but then I don't want to be a burden on anyone.  I don't want to be a high maintenance 'friend'.

Maybe we need some sort of MoHo virtual home teaching - we could each have a 'route' of a few other MoHo's whom we keep in regular contact with (email, phone, text, personal visit, whatever).  Any volunteers for the role of virtual MoHo EQ Pres?