Thursday, August 26, 2010


According to Wikipedia
Loneliness is a feeling in which people experience a strong sense of emptiness and solitude. Loneliness is often compared to feeling empty, unwanted, and unimportant. Someone who is lonely may find it hard to form strong interpersonal relationships.
Yup, that about sums it up for me.

In its chronic form, loneliness is considered a life threatening condition with an increased risk of cancer, stroke, and cardiovascular disease.  It also affects sleep quality thus resulting in diminished restorative processes.  Of course, being jobless only adds to my feelings of emptiness, unwanted, and unimportant - which leads me to having trouble sleeping - and so on and so forth as I spiral ever downward.

For instance, the other day I was having a bad day:  I woke up with a sore back, then my phone quit working, it was hot (got up to 107 degrees F).  But, the thing that just really set me off was when I went to get gas in my car.  The local QT gas station had 32 oz drinks for 49¢ all summer - so, I would fill up and then go in and get a diet coke.  But, when I went in, the 32 oz drinks were now 99¢.  Evidently, that was a summer special that had ended. I walked out empty handed feeling really depressed - and I haven't been able to get over it.  It sounds so stupid and juvenile - but that's just my state of mind right now.  The silliest things can set me off.  My back is feeling better - I have a service plan on my phone; so, it didn't cost me anything to get a replacement - the heat wave has broken, yesterday it only got up to the mid 80's - just pay the extra 50¢ for the damn drink if it would make me happy.  So, why am I still feeling depressed about it?

Intellectually, I know what the problem is; and, I don't like feeling this way - I just don't know what to do about it.  I've quit doing things I used to enjoy - even this blog post will be lucky to see the light of day.  Lately I've been having dreams of suicide.  I don't mean to scare anyone because I'm not on the verge of doing anything rash during my waking hours - but is it only a matter of time before my dreams become reality?

Most doctors recommend therapy.  Problem is, my health insurance runs out next month; so, if I don't find a job (which seems unlikely since I've been looking for the past 17 months without result) I'll be entering the growing ranks of the uninsured.  Therapy just isn't an option for me right now.

Some days I just want someone to talk to - but then I don't want to be a burden on anyone.  I don't want to be a high maintenance 'friend'.

Maybe we need some sort of MoHo virtual home teaching - we could each have a 'route' of a few other MoHo's whom we keep in regular contact with (email, phone, text, personal visit, whatever).  Any volunteers for the role of virtual MoHo EQ Pres?


austin said...

I felt the same way a month or two ago, including the random but somehow appealing thoughts of suicide that I certainly wasn't going to act on and so I didn't want to worry anyone by mentioning them. Time is the only cure for me when I get that way. Which obviously sucks a lot.

Life for me has gotten a lot busier recently, which certainly helps distract/alleviate depression, but like you said it's not really something you yourself can fix and so I can't hope to do too much either. But if you ever want somebody to talk to and it would help for it to be a virtual stranger, shoot me an email or skype me or something.

GeckoMan said...

Sign me up, Brother Abe. And let's make you the HPGL!

You've been a little quiet lately, and I've worried how you're doing...sorry for not following up on my concern. Since we've gmailed before, let's make it more regular. Look for my email in a day or two.

A.J. said...

Sorry I called this evening left a message on your answer machine. Hope that wasn't to forward of me but if you need to talk please call or I can call you. -A.J.

Evan said...

Abe, I think I have told you this before, but I will say it again. I wish Texas wasn't so big some times!

I should be in Dallas the second weekend of October. I am going to watch a friend play in a volleyball tournament that Saturday, but I don't plan on watching the games the whole time. I'd love to grab lunch and hang out with you for a little bit. I've always wanted to talk with you!

Cambo said...

Back when I was in my worst state of depression the littlest things would set me off too. Once I saw a street light that was burned out, and it made me incredibly depressed to think that no matter what, somewhere there will always be a street light burned out. Very dumb, but at the time it set me off, so I know how that feels.

I always HATED home teaching when I was active, but I think your idea actually sounds kind of good. Sign me up to home teach if this ever gets into effect. Haha.

Sean said...

One thing that I have noticed with people who have depression are that they have certain triggers and that depression is very predictable, even though it doesn't seem that way. Look for things that trigger your depression and then find a way to either stop the trigger or occupy your mind with something else. It sounds like you've stopped taking photos, gardening and cooking (that's my guess since you aren't doing some of the things you love anymore). Try picking those again, especially when a trigger is starting to go off or you are slightly depressed.

Anyways, good luck Abe! I really hope you find a job soon and pull out of your depression. Love you buddy!

Anonymous said...

I'm in your same boat. Married, SSA, jobless, depressed, sleepless...

I SO understand what you're going through.

Beck said...

I thought I already was your home teacher! I've obviously not done my duty. I am very grateful that you pushed "send" and posted this on your blog. You needed to do so.

You need to know how much we love and are concerned for you and your welfare. I am deeply concerned for you, as you well know, and to read you discussing thoughts of suicide, though maybe isolated in your dreams, is still sending a chill down my spine. Please don't even consider the passing thought of that at all during your waking hours! Promise?

Regarding supporting each other, we need to do a better job of that. Allow those around you, including us in this MOHO community who are not in your physical vicinity but near you in spirit, to reach out and give you support and love.

Believe me when I say that I am not the only one that loves you.

Crisco said...

It is good to hear from you again. I haven't been posting much either.

Being without work is terrible. I cannot imagine going for as long as you have. I was out of work twice in '08 and I was miserable. Looking back, it wasn't very long, but it affects your self-esteem, your ability to cope, and makes you feel like you have no purpose. My wife and I are still dealing with financial ramifications of that time period. We just sold our place to become renters again because I'm still not back up to my salary level from 3 or 4 years ago. Of course, the quirkiness of the situation is that we're moving into a nicer place. The real estate market in Southern California is so messed up.

Anyway, sorry, my thoughts probably are not helpful other than to let you know I care and understand to an extent what you are going through.

I love your idea of a virtual HT program. I certainly wouldn't tell my regular HT what I'm going through. I want to discuss this with people who understand what it means to be gay or bi. I have only told one friend. He's great in that he doesn't care, but he never asks me how I'm doing.

Thanks again for your thoughts and hope you find work soon.

A.J. said...

lots of people care about you. things will get better.I enjoyed talking with you on the phone. Hope you have a wonderful weekend.-A.J.

mandi said...

You are loved Abe. Your insights and life are valued.

Ned said...

You could try some bibliotherapy, perhaps.

Jack said...

As gay Mormons, early on, we learned to isolate ourselves. We had to deal with all our fears and feelings of unworthiness ourselves, because to admit the nature of our problem to someone else was unthinkable. We've had to carry emotional burdens that could stun a team of oxen in their tracks. Is it any wonder we feel alone?

Thank you so much for sharing.

Anonymous said...

Abe, I've been lurking here every once in a while and I feel compelled to say something. Please don't do anything rash-- your life is worth living. I believe that peace and comfort will come to you as you continue to seek for truth.

Though, I should disclose that I am what you term, a True Believing Mormon, so if that negates any of my advice, that's for you to decide. It seems like you are very sensitive to and very offended by members of the church. Please remember that the gospel of Jesus Christ is perfect whereas the members trying to live it-- are not. No single one of us acts perfectly or says the right things to one another all the time. If it's possible to overlook their ignorance, please do. I truly believe that in their hearts, they don't mean to ostracize or hurt or offend-- they just don't know better. Your blog has taught me to be more aware of others-- thank you for that.

I too have struggled to reconcile my testimony of the gospel with the church's position on gay marriage. The media seems to have drawn a line in the sand-- and either you are pro-gay marriage or you are bigoted and hateful. And I don't believe the issue is that mutually exclusive. I believe that it's possible to love (yeah, I know :)) and respect those who choose a homosexual lifestyle, while maintaining support for marriage between a man and a woman. Is it possible for me to tell you that my support for heterosexual marriage is not inspired by hate or fear of homosexuals? If so, it's really how I feel.

Dadsprimalscream said...

I posted a bog entry of my own about "Loneliness" some time ago. You may want to check it out. It's something we all deal with. Big Hugs!

Perhaps I could be included in the MOHO directory too?