Friday, October 12, 2007

Quietus

I went in for a physical earlier this week. I had to change doctor's because my previous one moved out of the area. Last week I scheduled an appointment with my new doctor to get new prescriptions for my meds. He told me that it would be illegal for him to write prescriptions for me without first examining me - ergo the need for a physical. I'm not sure I believe the 'illegal' part, especially since I just had a physical earlier this year which he could just as easily have reviewed the results of. But, it's all water under the bridge now. I went, and he poked his hands into every orifice of my body.

Prognosis?
  • My blood sugar was a little high; so, I had to go in for another blood test this morning
  • My cholesterol was a little high; so, I have a prescription for Zocor and have to go back in a month to be tested again
  • And, I'm fat!

The blood sugar wasn't a big surprise, it's been on the upper side of 'normal' for a while now. The cholesterol is a surprise, I've never had a problem with high cholesterol (I was last tested 6 months ago). Regarding being fat, well, I knew that going into the physical. He told me that I need to exercise more and that I'm a candidate for weight loss surgery; he gave me the numbers for a couple of doctors that specialize in that area.

So, now I'm trying to decide what to do. The thing is, I'm not sure I care. Controlling of my blood sugar and cholesterol, exercising more, and losing weight would certainly give me a longer life expectancy - but, do I want to live longer? Overall, I've lived a good life. I've raised 4 children who are no longer dependent on me. I have a good life insurance policy; so, my wife would be well taken care of in the event of my untimely demise. So, perhaps, I've outlasted my usefulness.

I've had suicidal thoughts before; but, this isn't the same. I'm not thinking of ways to off myself, I'm just not sure I care if something were to happen to bring on my premature death. That's different - right? Or is it? I don't know? Does it matter? Do I care? I'm not afraid of death. Although, truthfully, I don't really know if that is because of my deep abiding faith - or because life sucks.

In any event, this isn't a suicide note. I'm not going anywhere. But, in case I suddenly, and without warning, stop posting to my blog - you'll know why. You can write my epitaph

Poor Abelard - he shouldn't have eaten that last donut

7 comments:

Gimple said...

Don't die! You need to stay around for a long time!

PS Sometimes it is good to have the last donut, actually most of the time!

santorio said...

after leaving the white house and depressed over the realization that his failures in vietnam would forever overshadow his success with civil right and medicare, lyndon johnson resumed smoking and regained the weight lost after a heart attack many years prior. he didn't live long. jimmy carter, whose presidency had more failures than achievements is vigorous and active more than 20 years after his presidency.

my health suffers when i am discouraged or depressed; i'm at my best when actively pursuing a goal. my worst fear is a meeting or conference with an all you can buffet.

Abelard Enigma said...

i'm at my best when actively pursuing a goal.

So, how do you get yourself motivated to pursue a goal?

santorio said...

i volunteer for something that has a deadline; then to avoid the social embarrassment of not keeping a promise, I get things done. not very noble, is it?

problem is, if i don't do a good job, then i get discouraged and i'm headed for the muffin tray again

Kengo Biddles said...

Gaaaaah.... *drool* ... Cursed Do-Nut ....

MoHoHawaii said...

I remember having a similar feeling once when I was on an airplane in heavy turbulence. I thought to myself, "Hey, if the plane goes down, I don't have to deal with the crap in my life anymore." I suddenly felt very relaxed and cheerful, while everyone else around me had white knuckles. (Afterward, I realized that this was no way to live. It's not normal to want the plane you are on to go down.)

I have a practical suggestion for you: hire a (handsome) personal trainer. This kills two birds with one stone. First of all, you'd lose weight and get into a regular exercise habit. This alone might improve your mood. Everyone feels better when they lose a little excess weight and get some physical activity. Second, you get to have a hunky guy in his twenties make a fuss over you week in and week out. There's no harm in that.

Your kids are grown and you have a good job; why not spend a little of that money on yourself?

GeckoMan said...

I love MHH's comment! What great advice! Go for it, Abelard.

At times I've been death-friendly as well, ie., not adverse to the mixed blessing of checking out early. Probably more likely and a lot less fortunate is dragging on with declining poor health and its myriad of complications. Lately I'm feeling like I want to stick around and do some missions with my wife; there's lots of good stuff we can do.

I've got about 20 pounds of midlife midriff to drop, and want to get back to exercise. I was going to do it right after my vacation; now there's no extra cash, but I do have extra time! Guess it's time to start working out with yard and fix-up-the-house work. We'll be moving soon.