Thursday, March 25, 2010


It's been a while since I posted anything to my blog - it's been even longer since I posted anything meaningful and/or insightful (and the wait will continue even after this blog post).  Although, I do find myself wondering if anybody - other than the two MoHo's I've been in email contact with - even missed me.  I'm not wallowing in self pity (well, maybe I am, just a little) - I realize that with blog readers, the MoHo directory, etc. - there really isn't much of a need to go check a blog for updates.  It's like having a neighbor down the street whom you see occasionally out watering his garden - do you ever notice when he's not out watering?  I can't complain because I'm just as guilty with other MoHo blogs.

So, what's been happening in the life of Abelard?

First off - I got a job.  But, hold off any celebrating or applauding - it's a temporary job - at our local Walmart while they are going through a major remodeling.  Basically, I move merchandise from the old location to the new location (sometimes to a temporary location if the new location isn't ready yet) and then help tear down the old shelves when empty.  It pays peanuts - but it's more than I make sitting at home sending endless job applications that all just seem to end up in the round filing cabinet.  Bottom line:  A year ago I was in a comfortable job making a 6 digit salary - today I'm a Walmart associate.

In other news - I was a victim of identity theft. It seems someone got hold of my debit card number and then went around to a bunch of Walmart and Walgreen stores - up in Iowa - charging a couple of hundred at each until they emptied my debit account - to the tune of several thousand dollars. The good news is that it looks like I'll be getting it all back. I'll know for certain after April 4th which is the last day the stores have to challenge my dispute. They didn't have my pin - just the card number, probably stolen by an employee from some store I did business with; and, the stores they went to were, evidently, not asking for a picture ID - which makes them liable.

So, basically, my life really sucks right now. My job at Walmart is physically demanding and I just feel tired all the time. I work the 2pm to 11pm shift; although, some days it's well after midnight by the time I get home and crash in bed.  It seems like most days all I do is sleep, eat, and go to work - repeat.  The good news is that I get paid time and a half for overtime - the bad news is that 1-1/2 peanuts is still measly.

If I do a good job and they like me, it's possible I'll be offered permanent employment when the remodel is complete - and the worst part?  I'll actually consider it.  Nobody else wants to give me the time of day.  And, since being unemployed for nearly a year is decimating my savings - I'm probably going to have to work until the day I die.  I'm pretty much giving up on the idea of becoming a teacher.  At this point, I'm willing to do just about anything, as long as somebody is willing to pay me to do it (and has a health insurance plan).  Maybe I should start rehearsing in front of a mirror - "would you like fry's with that?"

Why does god hate me so?  Is it the gay thing?  But, since he made me this way, maybe he just has a cruel sense of humor.


LDS Brother said...

Sorry that things are spiraling out of control right now. Hang on to what is stable and happy in your life. (Count your many blessings :P )

Sean said...

Things will work out! Don't worry. At least you have a job now (even though it isn't ideal) and that things are starting to sort of look up.

I feel the same way sometimes about God hating you. I'm pretty sure that He doesn't hate anyone. He just likes to see us squirm and push us to our limits. I know I keep being pushed to my limits, but I realize that I become a stronger, better person from everything. I also find out that my limits get farther and farther away as I go through more. That means you will be given more to deal with (even though we hate to hear that).

Anyways, one thing that I always know is that there is a period of happiness after all of the pushing. It will come. The darkest nights lead to the brightest days! :)

A.J. said...

2pm to 11pm shift is brutal. Hope things get better. I'll pray for you. God does love you even though at times it might not seem that way. _A.J.

Mister Curie said...

Just so you know, I missed you. Sorry to hear about the job situation. My dad has been out of work for over 3 years, so I know on one level how tough it can be. Sending positive vibes your way . . .

Kengo Biddles said...

Trials of faith do make it difficult, and financial trials are especially hard on us men. My good thoughts often flow your way - but maybe I should e-mail you to tell you?

And like Sean says - you have a job, and so you're stemming the hemorrhage of your budget - it's a start.

Anonymous said...

Hey, Abe.

In my defense, I DID write and ask how you were, but I never heard back from you. So, remember, some of us really did miss you and actually did something about it. :)

Good luck with the new job. I hope it works out for you and can maybe work into something bigger, better, and brighter for you.

Beck said...

Anything I can say will sound trivial, for I haven't had to go through what you are going through.

But you know you are loved on many fronts, including here among your friends. You are missed. You are needed. You are vital to this community. You have touched many lives for the better for having been willing to share and lift and motivate and encourage - I know for certain you have done that for me! And I'm almost as certain that I'm not the only one.

Thanks for responding and giving us an update. I hope it helps a bit to share - even during rotten times of being "pushed to the limits". And no, these challenges of employment have nothing to do with you being gay. I don't believe for a minute that you are being punished by God for being you! And I don't think you seriously do either.

Just keep going... the view will be better at the top of the mountain you're climbing!

Big hugs.

Ned said...

I'm one of the ones who has missed you. In fact I think it was just yesterday that I thought to myself, "I wonder what's up with Abe?" But did I take the time to drop you a line, nope. But I did think of you and so I hope you'll let that thought count now that you know about it.

Along the lines of what Beck said, I know you've made and are making a difference in several ways:

First, you help me not to feel so all alone in my, uh...that is our...age group. I'm glad to have a brother here who isn't decades younger as so many are. Not that I don't appreciate youth, I do, but it is also nice to know there are a few of us (well at least two of us anyway) who actually remember from our own experience as adults what happened in 1978.

Second, your Moho Directory is part of the glue that holds this whole thing together. Thank you!

Third, your monthly topics are much appreciated and also contribute to a sense of community. You encourage all of us to think and write and share. My blog is better because of the questions you ask and the peer pressure that creates to share, even when it a topic that takes some courage to address. Which I guess means that you've given more than a few of us not just encouragement, but plain old courage, too. (Which puts you in the same category as the Wizard of Oz now that I think of it that way.) Thank you! (Hmmm, does this out me as a friend of Dorothy?)

Fourth, when I first showed up here, you were one of the very first to welcome me and I will always appreciate that. It created a bond that I still feel more than a year later, but I've never thanked you before, so, better late than never "Thank you for welcoming me as a newcomer more than a year ago!"

Fifth, we have similar sense of humor. i.e. I'm sorry you executed before I did on the 9.5" post. My family would roll their eyes at that, as they have at so many of my attempts at humor, but it coaxed a smile from me as I realized, I'm not above going for a laugh like that. :D Thanks, I think!?!?

Hope you can find joy in little things (like a day's work well done, even if it isn't your ideal) and that this may be a bridge to something better. Maybe you will meet someone who will have a job lead for you. Maybe you will meet someone that you crush on, that could be fun, eh?

So please, Abe, keep your heart and mind open and please keep sharing your news or even lack of it here. You are read and appreciated by this reader and many other brothers and sisters.

Abelard Enigma said...

I really appreciate all of the words of encouragement. It's so hard not to feel sorry for myself.

LDS Brother: Intellectually I know that I'm still better off than many others who have been laid off; for example, I still have my home. I just want to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Sean: Always the optimist. I need a little more of you rubbing off on me.

A.J.: In theory, it frees my mornings for job searching and interviews ... in theory.

Mister Curie: I need more positive vibes

Kengo Biddles: As far as a trial of my faith, I'm not doing so well - more on this later as I have another post I'm working on.

me: I'm so sorry about not responding to your email. I looked but couldn't find it. I promise, if you email me again I will respond.

Beck: Thank you for your email encouraging me to post an "I'm still alive" update. Although, I do wonder if I"m climbing a mountain or digging a pit.

Ned: You make me blush. And yes, it is nice to know that there are a few MoHo's out there that are a little gray on the edges.

Public Loneliness said...

Big hugs to you Abe, I was wondering why your blog wasn't up on my feed, started thinking it was time to post an APB for you!

You're like the ultimate Moho godfather and we all have to come down to kiss your hand and go back to our fabulous and sometimes not so fabulous gay adventures!! :-) I'm glad things are at least moving and you never know what kind of opportunities will come from where you are and what you do.

Anonymous said...


Did you know that there are four blogs I look forward to reading everyday and yours is one of them.

Hope things get better for you soon.


playasinmar said...

I have years of retail experience and let me tell you to sit down - this next sentence will blow your mind:

Though any store can ask for ID, no store can require you show it. Ever.*

It's true. Visa, Mastercard, Discover, and AmEx all forbid it as part of the vendor agreement. If a vendor gets caught they can have their ability to accept cards temporarily suspended or permanently revoked!

Also 100% forbidden: requiring a minimum charge or limiting a maximum charge.

PS. If you write "See ID" it won't help. A card can't be accepted if it isn't signed. It puts the user in violation and, in some cases, can mean stolen charges won't be returned.

*Exclusions are for over-the-phone or internet transactions. Unsigned cards that the owner refuses to sign are another exception.

playasinmar said...

I re-read the comments and realized I missed one:

"Sean: Always the optimist. I need a little more of you rubbing off on me."

Holy crap! How long has this been going on?! ;)

Rob said...

Abe: I never know what to say to friends in such situations. "It'll get better" can sound shallow and insensitive. "Hang on" didn't help me much when my former company imploded. "You'll get through it" seems dismissive and unsympathetic.

So let me try this. The courage I've seen from you through your blog must still be there somewhere. I know you feel bludgeoned almost to apathy. If it helps, I've been there. At one point I had lost job, life savings, house, marriage, and access to kids all within six months. Not trying to show you up, just saying I really do understand how you feel.

And I had a hard time believing I'd get through it too. So I stopped worrying about the long-term picture and just focused on getting through a day, then a week, then a month. I didn't stop trying to make long-range plans for career recovery, but aside from that I just concentrated on getting through each day and trying to make little improvements. Now here I am, years later, and things are WAY better. I did bounce back after all. They're not perfect but they are so much better than before.

So find that courage in you somewhere and just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Keep looking for a teaching job. You'll never find one if you give up looking. Could you work for a private company like Mathnasium or that offers tutoring? What about online education? Get creative, be flexible. Right now I'm in a type of job that didn't even exist five years ago. Just don't give up.

Anonymous said...

I believe it's NOT because of the gay thing.

I used to be in ur position, My family was in very difficult economical situation. But, dont worry you will get through this.

Perhaps, job at Walmart is a small step which leads to brighter future. Just keep being optimistic. ^_^


Abelard Enigma said...

Public Loneliness: thx, I need the hugs

Phillip: I appreciate your thoughts

playasinmar: I did not realize that about vendor agreements on credit card usage. Regarding your second comment, [sigh] only in my dreams (oops, did I really just type that?)

Rob: "I know you feel bludgeoned almost to apathy" - that's exactly how I'm feeling

jonedrahadian: I know I'll get through this - what remains to be seen is what scars it will leave. BTW, welcome to the Mormon queerosphere.