I started to comment on Becks recent post Who do you think I am?; but, my comment was getting so long that I decided to blog about it.
Beck and I (and a few others) are in a different place than most in the Mormon queerosphere. We've been locked up tight for years, even decades. Speaking for myself, I was locked up so tight and for so long that the other me, the outward me, was able to convince himself that I didn't even exist.
Sure, I would manage to manifest myself from time to time - only to be quashed and stuffed down again - denied, repented of, and whatever else the outward me felt he needed to do in order to deny me.
But, things are different now. The outward me has finally acknowledged my presence. And, an amazing thing has happened - he is starting to realize that I'm really not so bad. He is even starting to accept that some of the good things about him, some of his talents and strengths, exist because of me. Sure, I have my mischievous and rebellious side - but even that manifests itself in him.
The outward me seeks to be stalwart and true - and boring. I want to live life to its fullest; and, I won't deny that, for me, life to its fullest can only be achieved with another man. But, just as he, the outward me, needs to accept me for who I am - I also need to accept him for who he is. So, I'm willing to compromise. I'll allow him to keep his precious commandments and stay true to his family and his church - but, he has to allow me some latitude as well. He needs to allow me to enjoy the view of a beautiful man once in a while. He needs to rid himself of his homophobic thoughts and ideas. He needs to allow me to express myself, however subtly. He needs to allow me to explore myself to better understand what it means to be me.
Slowly, ever so slowly, he (the outward me) and I (Abelard) are becoming friends. But, he is still embarrassed about me. And, he is terrified that others around him will become aware of me. And, his fears are strong - so strong that I wonder if I'll ever be able to break through them. But still, I am going to enjoy my new found freedom and expression. I will even let him write in my blog from time to time (although, I must say that his blog posts are kind of depressing).
Maybe one day, the world around him (the outward me) will change so that I can be accepted for who I am and he can finally acknowledge me. Maybe one day I will be able to express myself freely without embarrassing him. Maybe one day we can integrate ourselves together and become one. But, I don't see that day coming until there are some changes in the environment in which he lives. But, until then, I will need to consign myself to be his alter ego (what he likes to think of as his confused alter ego).
But, I will use that time to help him (the outward me) become better acquainted with me (Abelard) - so that he can see just what a great and fun guy I can be! And maybe, just maybe, he will start to allow a little of me to show through. Maybe he will allow those around him to become acquainted with me - even if it's just a little part of me. Maybe he will even stand up for me and defend me when others around him start to diss me and others like me. And I will help him learn to enjoy life and to not be so depressed and boring - I have my work cut out for me.