Friday, September 14, 2007

I don't care

Lately I just don't seem to care about anything any more.

I have a beautiful Oak tree that sits outside of our kitchen. It is under this tree that I rebuilt a deck earlier this year. I have several bird feeders and used to enjoy sitting at the kitchen table watching cardinals, blue jays, chickadees, and other birds at the bird feeders. But, now the birds are gone - because the feeders are empty, and I don't care!

I have a G scale garden railroad that winds around my back yard. But, it's been a long time since a train ever ran on those tracks. Part of the track is in need of repair due to erosion from the torrential rains we had earlier in the year. Other parts of the track are so overrun with plants from the garden that the track is no longer visible. There is an expansion to the track plan which I started over a year ago that still sits half finished, And, I don't care!

I have what once used to be a beautiful garden, an oasis from the cares of the world. Now it is overrun with weeds. Plants are in disparate need of pruning. And, I don't care!

I haven't been eating healthy. In fact, I've even had the occasional thought "maybe I'll have a heart attack and die". And, I don't care!

What has happened to me? I don't have any passion any more - for any thing. I just exist. I'm not overly sad or depressed; but, I'm not happy either. I'm just flat, and I don't care!

I've fallen into a funk and I can't get up!

15 comments:

Foxx said...

Have you ever felt this way before? If so, when?

J G-W said...

Maybe this mood is like sitting in the train station, waiting for the train to arrive. Except you don't even know if a train is coming. Maybe your soul just needs quiet. Maybe if you can just wait patiently for long enough, the train will arrive, the one you didn't expect.

Kengo Biddles said...

Sounds like a bit of depression, to me. I'd take whatever steps you feel necessary to improve the situation. :)

playasinmar said...

Draw a big circle and label it "Pie Chart of Procrastination."

Beck said...

It's none of my business and I don't mean to tell you what to do, but I know you've told other people this when they get into this funk - "so... are you taking your meds?"

Getting away from the normal grind always does it for me. Why don't you hop in that new snazzy red roadster of yours and go for a ride - a really long one, away from the garden and the weeds and the reminders of the daily "to do" list - just go!

Abelard Enigma said...

Sounds like a bit of depression

It sounds a lot like depression. But, the thing is, I don't feel depressed. Being one who suffers from clinical depression (which I have under control via medication), I do have some experience in this area.

so... are you taking your meds?

Yes - and don't feel bad checking up on me with this.

These feelings of apathy is not something new - it's something I've been struggling with for a couple of months.

Perhaps I need to schedule a visit to have my meds reevaluated. It's been a few years; so, I guess it's inevitable. It was just such a painful process - I went through 6 different antidepressants before we found one that worked for me - and I don't relish the thought of going through that again :(

Beck said...

Good for you on taking your meds and encouragement on this part for you to seek medical assistance where motivated to do so.

But, I still want you to take that long attitude-adjusting drive in your sexy new car! :)

Abelard Enigma said...

But, I still want you to take that long attitude-adjusting drive in your sexy new car!

We did that yesterday for my wifes birthday. I took the day off and we went driving. We headed NorthEast to Ikea (where we also ate breakfast), then East to a quilt shop she wanted to visit, then West to a quaint little town which is where we ate dinner, and then SouthEast back home. All in all, our little jaunt was about 175 miles.

Since we were going to Ikea first, we took an icechest and stopped to get some dry ice so that we could buy meatballs and keep them frozen all day. You can't leave Ikea without at least one bag of Swedish meatballs :)

Elbow said...

don't fight the funk! go with it and know that it's ok to feel the way you are feeling. of course you want to be happy most of the time, but maybe your body and spirit are trying to tell you something. sit and listen. maybe there's a reason for the funk. look inside and see what's there.

santorio said...

been in a bit of funk myself lately. in the past i make my way out by some physical accomplishment--building, writing, whatever. but of course i'm in too much of funk to get started. just gotta break that cycle.

Anonymous said...

After viewing your site, is your wife aware that you struggle with same-gender attraction?

Abelard Enigma said...

is your wife aware that you struggle with same-gender attraction?

Yes. And she is aware that I have a blog and gay friends in the queeroshpere - I even talk about my gay friends with her.

btw, I don't like to think of it as struggling with same gender attraction - I'm gay, it's just part of who I am. I choose to remain gay celibate and am active in the church. I have a temple recommend and hold a leadership calling in my ward; but, that doesn't change who I am.

My struggle is having to keep this part of me a secret out of fear of the consequences because of prejudice and misunderstanding.

Beck said...

"I'm gay, it's just part of who I am. I choose to remain gay celibate and am active in the church...My struggle is having to keep this part of me a secret out of fear of the consequences because of prejudice and misunderstanding."

This is probably the most suscinct synopsis of your blog that you could have written. It's exact, to the point and covers the bases beautifully... (and you could have written it for me as well - can I quote you?)

Anonymous said...

Wow. So your wife doesn't have a problem with you being gay and that you "have a blog and gay friends in the queeroshpere"? I'm just very intrigued with her acceptance of this. I do not judge you, nor do I judge her.

I am female and have many gay friends...both lds and non-lds. I just wonder how a woman can be ok with her husband being gay...meaning...NOT being attracted to her in the physical sense, or less attracted to her than men.

I am trying to understand how a hetero woman can be married to an openly gay guy and be happy with that. I know sex isn't everything, but it is a huge foundation for a marriage.

Thanks!

Abelard Enigma said...

I am trying to understand how a hetero woman can be married to an openly gay guy and be happy with that.

Truth be told - I am not openly gay. I blog under a pseudonym. The only person who knows me personally and that I am gay is my wife. A few of my friends in the queerosphere know my real name, but we've never met in person. I have 4 adult children (and 3 grandchildren), and none of them know of my orientation. Overall, I'm pretty straight acting (although, I do have a few stereotypical gay traits).

So, I remain firmly entrenched in my closet - not even my bishop knows my secret, even though I am a counselor in the bishopric. But, there is no need as I've never done anything that requires confession to a priesthood authority.

Also, I never said she was OK with it - I only acknowledged that she is aware of it. She still struggles with it at times. Occasionally she even cries when she thinks I am not aware. But, there are no perfect marriages - all marriages have their challenges. When we look at what some of our family, friends and acquaintances go through in their marriages, having a gay husband seems pretty minor. We just have to keep putting things into perspective.

My daughter recently was talking about the challenges that some of her friends have with their families. In the end, she said "I think we're the only normal family I know." I had to chuckle to myself - the family with the gay dad is the normal one?

btw, feel free to email me privately (my email is in my blogger profile) if you would like to take this discussion offline and ask more questions.