Friday, July 11, 2008


I've been feeling out of sorts lately. My life just seems so meaningless. I get up, I go to work, after work I work out in my garden, then I go to bed just to repeat the cycle again. And, why do I even bother working in my garden? I don't have any friends, so its not like anybody is going to see it.

I'm also feeling apathetic. My wife suggested that, perhaps, we should look into joining a dulcimer group. We tried once before, but our kids were younger and it just wasn't practical at that point in our lives. But, now I'm just "whatever" - I haven't even played my hammer dulcimer in months - and I have no motivation to do so.

Maybe I'm depressed - oh wait, I already knew that - that's what my antidepressants are for.

I sometimes wonder if I think about being gay too much. But, how can I not think about it when I have these feelings inside of me? However I can't act on those feelings because to do so requires me to betray those who are closest to me - which I won't do (at least, I hope I never do). Intellectually I keep telling myself that gay intimacy is wrong - so why it doesn't feel wrong? Am I destined to be forever sexually frustrated?

Maybe I should just stop taking my cholesterol and blood pressure meds and start living on a diet of donuts and bacon cheeseburgers - just see where it takes me. I'm not being suicidal, I don't want to kill myself - I'm just not caring much whether I live or die.

I noticed blogger added a feature where you can schedule a blog post to publish in the future. I was thinking that, maybe, I should write a farewell post and schedule it 6 months into the future. As long as I keep blogging I could keep moving the date out. But if I ever decide to ... you know ... check out ... then eventually every one will know - all 5 of you. This could be my epitaph
Here lies Abelard
He was a social retard
I guess what it all comes down to is I'm feeling sorry for myself and wallowing in self pity.

A group from the Gay Christian Network are getting together on Saturday in Dallas for dinner and a movie. I kinda want to go - but I'm scared at the same time. What if they don't like me? What if I'm the oldest guy there? Me and a bunch of 20-somethings would be awkward - for everyone. What if my wife is upset about me going to see WALL-E without her? Plus - it would require me to break up my pity party.


Pancakes said...

'...all 5 of you.'

Hey, at least you have five.

There is always a time in our life that we go through a quiet desperation for something better. I feel safe to say, gay LDS members go through it quite a bit more then the average joe.

You have to remember your wife and the powers above you to get yourself through it.

And I say you go see Wall-E with the gays of Dallas or wherever it was! :)

A.J. said...

Do you like dungeons and dragons? My husband's old group is in the Dallas area. Great bunch of guys most in their 30s and 40s. Mostly meet monthly and consume lots of caffienated soda and junk food. -A.J.

MohoInTx said...

I'm no expert on the subject... but maybe spending more time with your wife would be great for you. Break that repetative cycle and do something new! Let your garden waste away if you have to! Go join that club!

I think it is alright to think about SGA frequently, but we just can't let it rule our lives and/or get us depressed. That's where the problem is in my opinion. Look and focus on the better parts of your life, whether it is your personal hobbies, your wife, or your family.

People benefit a lot from reading your blog... I know I have. It just further proves that Texas Mohos are simply the best Mohos out there. ;)

santorio said...

yeh, i'd say "depression" pretty much covers it.

the trick is separating clinical depression (with meds that help a little but are as much placebo as anything) from situational depression, which you can do something about.

my self cure for situational depression is achievement--i stop feeling sorry for myself when i accomplish something, even if it's just cleaning out the garage

J G-W said...

I read your blog! And I'm the fifth person to comment on this post.

Are we the five? Do we get a prize?

I liked your graph in the preceding post... But if it were drawn with Minnesota instead of Texas, the little white dot in the middle would be almost impossible to see.

We'll be in Memphis in August! Maybe someday will make it to the six flags state.

Beck said...

Being no. 6 proves you wrong - there are more than 5 of us that love you. I don't want to hear talk about "checking out" (even though I liked the epitaph).

You work in your garden because you love to create and be creative. You love to watch things grow and cultivate beautiful things around you. Who cares if you're the only one who appreciates it.

I agree with Santorio - for those situational depression spells - go garden, cook something delicious or break out the hammer dulcimer and create some great music!

Creativity is an amazing thing. So, please, for my sake go ahead and pity party yourself to your heart's content, but don't talk about "checking out". Clear?

kevin said...

Hang in there friend.

The chances are pretty slim, but I just applied for a job that requires training in Arlington. If I come, I will expect to see your garden. If I didn't have an apartment, I'd have a huge garden!

Hopefully I hear back soon about the job...

Anyways, stay solid with your prayers. It sounds cliche, but it definitely works.

playasinmar said...

I guess that sense of being the new kid at school never really goes away.

Oh well, tell us how it goes!

Forester said...

I think most of us have been where you are, and some of us are still there. I appreciate your comments on my blog and the insight you provide. You are needed here. Don't let the world get you down.

Ron Schow said...


I hope you are feeling better, but in any case, I have a question on a subject where you have had considerable opportunity for observation. Perhaps it will distract you and help you forget your current discouragement. I consider it an interesting question.

I notice you made a comment on the recent WOW conference. I think that conference was a great idea to provide support.

I'm grateful too for your comment there and I like your participation on yours and other blogs because I think you represent in a mature way those men who are in MOMs. So I wonder how you react to this suggestion which was presented in the conference.

"He talked about the emotional growth delay incurred by SSA men when it comes to relationships and that those with SSA need time to mature in that area."

I wonder if there is really any credible evidence suggesting that men like you have had an "emotional growth delay" different than other younger and older OSA married men.

As I just said, I think your maturity is evident. Your leadership in the Church, your efforts as a father and as a husband in the face of your MOM challenge is impressive. I think there are a number of others blogging who are in MOMs and who are showing the same maturity.

I don't suppose you have searched out any possible literature on this, so I'm just asking for your comments based on your anecdotal experience.

What do you think?

Robert said...

Boy, I don' know what to say about depression or feeling so insignificant (if that's how you feel), but I want you to know that while time covers most wounds, love is what heals them. I wonder if you were to infuse your family with new life and love (do something different and original in your home) if that wouldn't refresh things in a way that would heal the lost heart.

Know that your life is significant to many as well as to those who follow you on your blog. I don't know you in person, but I love you cause we share a significant struggle and the feelings that go with it. You're worthy of a prize in my eyes.