Tuesday, February 10, 2009

The good life

I have a good life
  • I have a wife who loves me
  • I have a family who loves me
  • I have a good job with a good company
  • I live in a nice home in a nice neighborhood
  • I live in a area that is not being hit as hard economically as elsewhere
  • I don't have any major health problems
  • I have the restored gospel in my life
By all appearances I should be happy and content.

So, why do I feel so crappy? Why is the good life so elusive? Why is happiness always beyond my reach? Why do I feel like crying? Why do I feel so lonely and isolated? Why does my life suck so much?

8 comments:

playasinmar said...

You teens and your emo...!

Philip said...

Abe,

If I may be so bold...

Differentiate between want from need.

You wanted the good life.

It's needs not being meeting that are at the root of your unhappiness

You can need something and not want it.

Regards,
Philip

Abelard Enigma said...

You can need something and not want it.

That's an interesting juxtaposition for how a 'wants vs needs' discussion is usually carried out.

If you have an unmet, yet unwanted, need - how do you get around that?

Beck said...

"If you have an unmet, yet unwanted, need - how do you get around that?"

I know you weren't, but... don't ask me! I'm one of the "teen emos" that go through these same cycles.

All I can say is for me, these feelings pass. And this will pass, too.

Anonymous said...

If you figure this one out let me know. I feel exactly the same way. Actually, I could have written it and would have said the same words.

Philip said...

Abe: If you have an unmet, yet unwanted, need - how do you get around that?

I can't talk to all such needs but I can talk to my need for intimacy, closeness with another man.

Short answer:

I found I couldn't get around it.

Long answer:

I first had to resolve the internal conflict then break out of isolation then get comfortable with my sexuality then find ways to express my sexuality that was non-threatening to my wife.

All this took years of trial and error.

First, I fought it with all my heart but the more I fought the more conflicted I felt and the more conflicted I felt the more havoc I wreaked on myself, my wife and the children.

I almost drove myself crazy.

Finally, I started to accept I was gay but with great fear because I thought that meant eventually I would have to end my marriage and break up the family.

However, the more comfortable I got with my sexuality, the better off I was.

And the more I integrated my sexuality into my life, the better off I was.

And the better off I was, the more I was able to focus on my family and relationship with my wife.

My wife saw the change in me and started to accept that I needed to be who I am. She might not have understood but she could see that I finally had a little peace.

But she had her limitations, too. She felt too threatened to let me venture into the gay community or have gay friends.

I realized she was never going to be OK with my seeing other gay men.

And I thought I would never be OK with being monogamous.

So I asked for a separation.

During that separation I started coming out to others, who unlike my wife, didn't want me to go right back into the closet.

Being able to interact openly and honestly with others made a huge difference in my life.

Before separation I had made very little progress regarding my sexuality. After separation I made tremendous progress learning who I am.

It's a shame that my wife had been so threatened that I had to separate from her before I could really start dealing with my sexuality.

Eventually I asked my wife if I could come back home because I didn't want a divorce and the conflict was gone and I felt I would be coming back on my own terms and could be monogamous.

That was about ten years ago.

I would say my life is easier now because I no longer have to deal with the conflict and I'm comfortable with myself but it is not easy because I'm monogamous and that need for closeness and intimacy with another man ebbs and flows but never goes away.

Regards,
Philip

kgwz77 said...

Situational happiness isn't real happiness. Most poorer people report being happier than rich people. I believe real happiness comes from being at peace with who we are and with our maker. Unfortunately living at odds with ourselves make that difficult at best. ( Howdy it's been a while :) )

Philip said...

kgwz77: Situational happiness isn't real happiness. Most poorer people report being happier than rich people. I believe real happiness comes from being at peace with who we are and with our maker. Unfortunately living at odds with ourselves make that difficult at best.

kgwz77, I hope you see this post.

How much more at peace with who I am is the measure I use to determine how much progress I have made.

I tried to outline above the process I went through to arrive at that peace.

However, though I am much more at peace than I have ever been, there is still much room for improvement.

I'm curious...are you gay and married and, if so, did you go through a similar or different process to arrive at level of peace you are at now?

And is there still much room for improvement?

Regards,
Philip