Sunday, April 11, 2010

Cowardice

I am such a big Coward.

First, I guess, some background info is necessary . . .

About 3 years ago, when I was first coming to terms with being gay, I was once searching to see what sort of gay culture existed in the Dallas/Fort Worth area; and, lo and behold, I found a gay photographers club.  I love photography and I wanted to meet other gay people - so I joined.  But, this was at a time when I wasn't yet able to utter the words "I'm gay"; so, I never told the other members of the club that I was gay too (their bylaws said they were open to gay and straight photographers).  Being married and Mormon, I'm sure they all just assumed that I was straight.  The club meetings were sporadic at best and attendance dropped off significantly - until it was just down to two of us, Carlos and me.  Essentially, the club no longer exists, but Carlos and I have continued to get together every two or 3 months for lunch and to discuss what we've been doing with our photography.

Well, April is when the Texas bluebonnets are in bloom (our state flower) and I've been wanting to get some good bluebonnet pictures.  The town of Ennis (about 45 miles South of Dallas) is the self proclaimed bluebonnet capital of Texas  Not wanting to go alone (since my wife is in California visiting our daughter who just had a baby), I contacted Carlos to see if he was interested in going.  So, yesterday, Carlos and I loaded up our gear into my Nissan Cube and drove down to Ennis and then spent all day driving around back country roads looking for fields of bluebonnets to photograph.  It was a fun day, I think I got some good pictures (including the one I attached to this post), and I was exhausted when I got home last night.

The thing is, I want to tell Carlos that I am gay.  Maybe he suspects already, I don't know, but I doubt it.  The married to a woman thing makes it easy to hide in plain sight.  But, I just can't seem to get the words out of my mouth "hey Carlos, guess what, I'm gay too."

I really don't know why I want to tell him so bad. On one hand, I think it's a good thing that we have two gay guys with a common interest getting together and we don't discuss anything gay. We're gay, but that doesn't rule our lives.

On the other hand, I want him to feel comfortable talking more about his personal life with his partner (with whom he's been together for 7 years). I want to be able to talk to him about gay life in Dallas, how his family handles him being gay, and that sort of stuff.

So, why is it so hard to tell him that I'm gay too?  It's not like I'm afraid he's going to be homophobic.  I just don't know how to bring it up.  How can I ever hope to be open with my straight family and friends if I can't even tell my gay friends?

Hence, I'm just a big coward!

5 comments:

Bravone said...

Call him today. Thank him for going and then say, "There's been something I've been wanting to tell you." It is so liberating! I double dog dare you to do it!

MoHoHawaii said...

You're probably being a bit too hard on yourself. I see the issue as awkwardness more than fear. You know he's not going to reject because you're gay, but how do you, apropos of nothing, say "Guess what, Carlos, I'm a big 'mo"?

You're a good writer, so why not send him e-mail? Something like, "Thanks for going with me last weekend. I had a really good time. I think you're a talented photographer, and I really admire how you've been able to build a life for yourself with your partner. As you've probably guessed, I'm not the straight arrow my life situation might indicate. I'm not out to many people, so it's been a bit awkward for me to talk about my orientation directly. Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that. I'm a big chicken about coming out, even to my gay friends. I hope you can understand. :-) In any case, I'm looking forward to our next photographic adventure."

Would something like that work?

Beck said...

Beautiful photo! I really think you should keep developing your obvious talents in the field of photography... who knows where it will lead you.

As for being a coward, I think Bravone and MOHOH have given you great advice. Go for it!

playasinmar said...

Try to imagine a barbershop quartet singing the answer to you:

Because you're in the closet...
Because you're in the closet...
Because you're in the closet...
Because you're in the closet!

Keep said...

Why is it hard to tell? Because you are living a double-agent life of deceit. Closeted gays are pathetic cowards.