I received a Scribit suggestion recently - which surprised me as I thought I remembered receiving an email that the Scribit gadget was going away. Anyway, an anonymous reader asked
Does your wife know about your SGA now? If not, what advice do you give to wives to help?First off, anonymous reader, I do not struggle with same gender attraction - I struggle with opposite gender attraction. Being attracted to men feels natural and normal for me. That said - yes, my wife is fully aware of my gayness. Although, it isn't something we talk about much. Often it's more the elephant in the room - something we're both acutely aware of but neither wants to bring it up. But, I remain faithful and 100% committed to her.
I think every girl, at some point in her life, dreams of a fairy tale marriage where she meets her prince charming. But, for some girls, instead of prince charming - they get a fairy. It may not be fair, but that's just how life is - life isn't fair.
As far as advice I might have for wives - I think you need to look at the positives rather than the negatives. Sure, we're not going to look at you the same way that straight men might - even sexual intimacy may be difficult for us (you're just not plumbed the right way - sorry, that's just how it is). But, there are positive aspects to having a gay husband. We probably like to shop more than a straight husband might, we are great cooks, we may even like watching chick flicks with you. It's like having a gay best friend and a husband all wrapped up in a single package.
A couple of years ago I wrote a post titled Women who love men who love men which I think sums up my feelings pretty well.
I don't even know if any of the people who were once regular readers are even around any more - I've certainly not given them any reason to be. But, just in case anybody cares ...
I'm still here - still gay - still married - still active in church - still unemployed (sort of)
But, I've been very very busy. My wife and I started an embroidery business in our home (try doing that with a straight husband). We have two 6-thread embroidery machines and have been working 12-14 hours/day trying to keep up with the demand. Who knew there was such a big demand for custom embroidery? Maybe we're just not charging enough ...
I certainly didn't expect us to be this busy, at least in the beginning. I seriously don't even know if we're making money as I haven't had much time to delve into the bookkeeping aspects of a business. I almost hate to say it - but I kinda hope business slows down a bit so that we have time to sit down and figure out how to work smarter, get our website up and going, and a bunch of other stuff that's been on the back burner.
I will have to say that being so busy has had a positive impact on my depression issues. I feel stressed - but I'm not so depressed about it. I guess just feeling like I'm useful and that I matter does a lot for my self esteem.
I know you can't see their faces (I don't feel comfortable posting recognizable pictures) - but trust me, they were both smiling ear to ear.
And ... this pretty much sums up my feelings. I believe in God - I believe in the LDS church - and I believe the LDS church is totally wrong in how they approach homosexuality.
Two men in love - true love. And they are both happier now that they have each other in their lives. And I believe God is happy with their union.
Many people do not understand how I can hold such conflicting views. I can't explain it either; but, it is that very conflict which prompted the name of this blog - as I feel like an enigma.
19 comments:
wonderful post :D
I'm glad you're back! I check in about twice a month...and I was getting a little worried. It's good to read your words again. Don't stop writing.
Abelard, good to hear your 'voice'. Thanks for your testimony. I'm glad you're up to something busy and feeling useful. We gay husbands are good to have around every now and then. My wife wouldn't have it any other way, most of the time. Cheers.
I am so glad that you are "here". How I've missed your voice! Your wisdom and enlightenment bring sage advice and illumination to an otherwise befuddled existence!
Abe! Great to hear from you again. I agree with Beck - I always appreciate your thoughtful wisdom. And I smile every time I make your chili recipe.
Jesse
I echo the others that it's good you're still around. Also, it's really good to hear you are busy in a constructive way. Good luck with the new business.
Abelard YAY!!!
Glad to see you posting and glad that you're busy with all the other stuff that's going on around you.
Hugs,Miguel
Still subscribed to your RSS feed. Keep those posts coming!
Who knew there was such a big demand for custom embroidery? Maybe we're just not charging enough ...
Probably. :)
Good to hear from you, and glad that things are going well for you!
Amen to the above comments. I'm also glad to hear your voice. I'm particularly glad that you've been so busy that it's helped a bit with your depression. Please continue to stay in touch from time-to-time as your feel so moved. ((( hug )))
Like!
RSS feed saves the day again! Great to hear from you.
hey
Why'd ya change the moho directory template?
How can you be sure that you are gay? If you have a wife and kids, then you were obviously attracted to her, doesnt that make you bi? Im a lesbian, because Ive never been attracted to a man, and would have to force myself to do so.
I need to understand something. My friend's husband came out as gay, and told her that he is completely gay, not bisexual. But they have two children. How was it possible for him to maintain intimate relations with her if he is gay. You also say the same. But Im confused. She is completely heartbroken, and thinks the marriage was a sham.
How can you be sure that you are gay?
I think I feel another blog post coming on - it'll take me a few days to gather my thoughts
@ Anonymous - many gay men deny and repress their sexuality to the point that they convince themselves that their attraction to men isn't real, and that if they marry a woman they will be able to develop the "proper" feelings for women.
Many gay men also find it easy to have close friendships with women.
These men often find themselves in opposite-sex marriages. But, being married and having children does not necessarily mean that there was any real attraction.
Men's arousal isn't only related to attraction, and men can have an erection and "perform" simply by providing the necessary friction. But, these men also often find it necessary to imagine men in order to really enjoy sex, just like how men and women can become physically aroused and orgasm while masturbating (a gay man isn't attracted to a woman he might have sex with any more than a person who masturbates is attracted to their own hands).
Your friend's marriage doesn't have to be a "sham." Mixed-orientation marriages are complex, but the friendship and love in them is just as real as in same-orientation marriages, and their love for each other and their children isn't any less real either. It might not work out that they stay together, and may or may not have had the same kind of attraction to her as if he were heterosexual, but that doesn't negate the years they spent together as husband and wife.
I'd also point out that sexuality isn't as neatly categorized as these labels (lesbian, gay, bisexual, heterosexual) make it appear. In reality, orientation is more of a spectrum, and most people don't fall into the very far extremes, but somewhere in the middle. For instance, I would identify as heterosexual and wouldn't seek out a relationship with another woman, but I would also consider myself a 1 on the Kinsey scale. So maybe he doesn't fit so neatly into a sexuality box either.
Glad you are back and keeping busy with the new business. Hope it is making you some money!
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