Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Women who love men who love men

Jay Leno: A new study shows that women prefer men with feminine characteristics. The bad news: Men with feminine characteristics ... also prefer men with feminine characteristics.

I know it's a bad joke. But, I've been wondering if, perhaps, there is some grain of truth behind it. When a husband comes out to his wife as gay, there is always a lot of crying. The straight spouse grieves that her husband will never desire her in the same way that a straight man could. But, isn't it possible that the characteristics that go along with him being gay are the very characteristics that she fell in love with in the first place? If you were to, somehow, magically take the gay out of him, would he still be the man she loves?

In our household, I'm a great cook, during football season our TV is turned off, I'm creative - these are all characteristics that are much more prevalent in gay men than they are in the general male population - and these are things that my wife loves about me.

When you marry a guy, doesn't he come as a package deal - the good and bad? Is having a husband who gets so engrossed in football that he ignores his wife really any better than having a husband who drools over mens gymnastics during in the olympics?

For those of us in mixed orientation marriages, I'm just wondering if we're going about this the wrong way. Don't love me in spite of me being gay - love me because I'm gay. Don't grieve for the things you can't have - rejoice for the things you do have.


Beck said...

I love it!

Of course you're speaking in stereotypical terms, but there is truth behind your generalization. I see that very thing being done by Serendipity with Dichotomy.

Now how do we get our wives to do the same?

Carter Niven said...

My wife always said to me: “I love you because you are different.” For years I worried about this because I thought to myself, “If you only know why I am different.” She had been raised the same as many to we wary of those that are gay. It didn’t help that a bishop in her town left his family to run off with his boyfriend. I feared the utmost that if Claire ever discovered the truth that our relationship was through!

Well, she did discover the truth. She didn’t leave. And, she is now to the opinion that every woman should marry a gay man. As you said, she loves that I am not crazy into sports, that I cook, and talk. Sometimes she says that we don’t talk enough, but I can promise you that we have been in a constant conversation for the past nine years.

Men are from Mars; Women are from Venus; and Gay Men Come to Visit – see it on book shelves in the near future!

MohoInTx said...

Being a part of the "young single adult world," I frequently hear talks discussing dating and getting married.

One thing that has stuck with me is the fact that in order to really love your spouse, all you have to do is find the good in them and be willing to make them happy. A lot of people focus on the negatives in their spouse (and while dating), and put too much time wondering how their partner can make them happy.

Serendipity said...

Abelard (and Beck), you are right, and you do describe much the way I feel. I've told Dichotomy several times that if I didn't marry him, whose to say I wouldn't have married a different gay man.

As for how to get your wives to feel that way, they probably already do to an extent. I am flattered that you want them to be like me, but I don't know why I am the way I am. My only answer is TALK TO THEM, ABOUT EVERYTHING. It was weird at first for Dichotomy to tell me that he thought a waiter was cute, but now it is just a fun part of this adventure we call life. Don't hold back thinking your wives will judge you badly for expressing thoughts that define who you are. They love you! They want to know that part of you as much as the parts they already know. (Some of them just might not realize that yet.)

Good luck! Let me know if there is anything ever anything you think of that I can do to help.

Chedner said...

Have you ever seen Kinky Boots?

This post reminded me of a part in Kinky Boots.

If you haven't seen Kinky Boots, I would recommend you at least go and rent Kinky Boots -- and then watch Kinky Boots... you'd probably want to then return Kinky Boots lest you be smitten with a late fee.

(If you didn't catch the title of the movie, it's Kinky Boots.)

drex said...

My wife and I definitely have more fun because we both realize that she loves me in part because I'm gay. Sure, that's not the solitary reason, but it's an integral part of my equation. I wouldn't add up without it. :P

GeckoMan said...

I think you're again right on the mark, Abe. Thanks for the insight--I'll have to have such a conversation with my wife. I know she enjoys the life of domestic ease I afford her!

Abelard Enigma said...

Now how do we get our wives to do the same?

[sigh] that IS the $1,000,000 question.

santorio said...

a lot of us feel guilty that we have deprived our wives of "sexual fulfillment." but as you point out, these are mutual decisions. marriages are always compromises. my daughter married a guy with a big heart but not much ambition. my son married an ambitious wife who will outshine him. my wife married a successful professional, a good father, and a fag.

Silver said...


This is one of your better posts ever. It may be a reason for your popularity going forward.

My being gay is without a doubt a great contributor to my value as a man and as a husband. I am a domestic god of a companion. I cook, I do laundry, I garden and I decorate far better than she does! She without a doubt enjoys these charachteristics and talents. They are a big part of why we married. I was among the first great metrosexuals. I was a fabulous dresser, athletic cut suits and tailored shirts and I wined an dined the hell out of her before we wed. She fell in love with a gay man. You are absolutely right and you are brilliant!

Serendipity is right. It is well to tell them what we think. It is hard on her at times, but the honesty has paid off in the long run and she is beginning to love me in spite of my gayness.

Funny thing is; I love myself better too.

Sorry for the lateness of my post. I'm slow getting around. I hope you read this. I'm one of your biggest fans. In fact I knew you before you came out to your wife...remember those emails?

Love you,

Brad Carmack said...

Good call, santorio.