I had another therapy session yesterday. I was actually considering canceling it. I don't know why, I've just been feeling really down lately - and I didn't want to talk about it. But I went anyway.
He asked some probing questions regarding what happened to bring this on - but the only thing I could tell him is that it just happens at times, it ebbs and flows, and I just need to time to get out of my funk.
He explained that there are times when depression is justified, such as the death of a loved one, and we just need to let it run its course in those situations. But, it seems to him that I've simply accepted my depression as something that happens, it's just part of my being - and that can't be good. It's not healthy, and I need to figure out a way to address it.
Then he asked me about some of the thoughts that go through my mind when I'm feeling like this. I told him that I feel like a social retard with no friends. He asked me to create, what he called, a sociograph. It is basically a diagram where I draw a circle in the center representing myself. I then draw other circles for other people I'm involved with in my life with their proximity to my circle representing how close I am to them. After examining my sociograph, he observed that I don't have much social interaction with others outside of family. He then referenced some events from my timeline that occurred at critical points in my life and said that it seems that I lack experience in building social relationships - experience that other people normally get while growing up,
so, I guess it's official now, I am a social retard!
One way to address this is through a desensitization where I consciously force myself into social situations in order to gain that experience. That is, of course, much easier said than done. How exactly does a social retard like me gain socialization experience? We talked about my role at church; but, he said that doesn't really help. It is a defined role with a defined expectation of behavior - he said even the most introverted person can fulfill a role. Social interaction skills help us in situations where we don't have a defined role.
So, I need to get out more to socially interact with others; but, I don't know how to do that because I'm a social retard. Does anyone else see the problem here?