Kris Allen

I think I'm falling in love with Kris Allen on American Idol.

Kris Allen Fan Channel on YouTube

Kris is 23 years old and hails from Conway, Arkansas. He has worked with the worship ministry at New Life Church in Conway and Little Rock campuses since 2007. He is also involved with Chi Alpha Campus Ministries at the University of Central Arkansas. Kris and his wife Katy were married in September 2008. In addition to singing, he also plays guitar and piano.

Bottom line: He's young, talented, cute, married, humble, spiritual, and totally unavailable - the perfect imaginary boyfriend for a married gay Mormon dude like me.

Vermont

As I'm sure everybody that reads this blog already knows - gay marriage has been legalized in Vermont. This is significant in that it is the first state where gay marriage became legal via legislative action (verses judicial action).

• it was passed by the legislature
• vetoed by the governor
• and the veto overridden by the legislature (23-5 in the senate, 100-49 in the house).

This is big! These are the types of successes that we need to see more of.

I find myself wondering if this would be the outcome had there not been a big battle on the other side of the continent. Perhaps this is the silver lining behind the prop 8 cloud - it brought gay marriage into the public consciousness - not just as a political issue, but as a real issue that affects real families.

Sulking

I appreciate everyone's kind comments.

I'm still sulking - this whole layoff thing just stinks.

But, I'm going to try to get myself out of this funk I'm in.

Tonight my wife and I are going to go see the Ten Tenors at the Meyerson Symphony Center in Dallas

Lost

I'm feeling lost today - like I'm falling and there is nothing I can do about it.

I should be finishing up my assignments at work

I should be working on my resume

I should be networking

I should be ...

But I just want to crawl under a rock and cease to exist.

I haven't told anybody in my ward about my impending layoff - should I? I really don't want to hear people say how sorry they are - I don't want their pity. I'm sure they're genuine - but it doesn't help at all - and it just puts me in a sour mood.

I really just want a hug right now - a man hug!

Line in the sand

"The moral footings of society continue to slip, while those who attempt to safeguard those footings are often ridiculed, picketed and persecuted ... It would be easy to become discouraged and cynical about the future—or even fearful or what might come—if we allowed ourselves to dwell on only which is wrong in the world and in our lives."
President Thomas S. Monson, April 5, 2009

This is an obvious reference to the aftermath of proposition 8 in California. By opposing proposition 8, the brethren were attempting to safeguard the moral footing of California society. Why it's not important to safeguard the moral footing in other states and countries where gay marriage is, or may soon be, legal is still a mystery.

However, I think this statement is significant because President Monson has declared that the church is not backing down. While not stated explicitly, it is obvious that the brethren continue to believe that it is our moral imperative to oppose gay marriage. Let there be no confusion, president Monson has retraced the line in the sand.

So, what side of the line am I on?

o
o
o

I am truly sorry president Monson - but I'm just not with you on this one. While I agree that the moral footing of society is slipping - I do not agree that gay marriage is either the cause or a symptom. Gay society is known for its promiscuity - so isn't it a good thing to bring family values into the gay community? Shouldn't we be promoting committed monogamous same sex relationships rather than demonizing them?

I guess I'll just stand over here with the morally-corrupt society-endangering family-destroying homosexuals. At least they accept me for who I really am - and not who I pretend to be.

Decisions, decisions, decisions

As I indicated in my last blog post - I am being laid off from my job the end of the month. I find myself going through a whole range of emotions from angry and betrayed to relieved and even (on occasion) excited about possible new opportunities - but, mostly negative emotions. One thing I learned yesterday is that I am forfeiting my retiree health benefit (when I actually retire). If they had just waited 8 months then I would have qualified for the retirement bridge and would have retained the health benefit when I retire - that just stinks!

And, in case anybody is wondering - the company is IBM, and I'm one of 5,000 people that were laid off last week. Essentially what is happening is that they are transferring a lot of work to India and other low cost countries and laying off the US employees. The general feeling among those who escaped the layoff is that this was probably just the first wave.

I attended a job transition webinar yesterday; and, one of the things they encouraged us to do was to take a Birkman First Look® assessment which is 3 part questionnaire:

• * How do you see most people? (125 questions)
• * How do you see yourself? (125 questions)
• * Which jobs interest you the most? (48 questions)

It produced a 25 page report which is supposed to help me figure out what kind of job I should look for - I'm still trying to figure out what dang thing is telling me. One of the graphs included was:

So . . . where can I find a job with responsibilities that capitalize on my artistic and musical interests - and pays lots of money? Any ideas?

According to the assessment, my interest in a job with persuasive responsibilities is basically non-existent. I'm thinking a sales job probably isn't a good idea.

What's new with Abelard?

I don't blog much about my personal life. I really don't know why - I guess I'm just not quite ready to divulge too much about myself. But, I thought I'd share a little of what's been going on in Abelard's life these days.

First of all, my youngest daughter was married on Saturday. Her husband is a non-member; so, the marriage was performed at church by our bishop. It was a very nice ceremony, a wonderful reception afterwards - and I was dead tired when it was all over. The groom's family was a little miffed that we weren't serving ice tea at the reception (and one family member was overheard during the reception asking where the liquor was); so, they brought an ice chest full of coke and dr. pepper - don't see that in an LDS cultural hall very often. And, I should point out that it wasn't just the non-Mormon's who had a can of coke or dr. pepper sitting in front of them at the table. :)

The only negative is that I was informed the day before that I am being laid off from my job after 28 years of service. I'm still processing this bit of news. Fortunately, I'm in a better position than many who face this challenge seeing as how I no longer have young children living at home. I'm thinking it's time for a career change - any suggestions? How about a wedding photographer specializing in Mormon temple marriages and gay weddings? Seriously, pursuing a career in photography is one of the options I've been looking at. Another is going into teaching - high school math. But, that Walmart greeter job looks mighty enticing.

My youngest son is getting (temple) married later in April - he will be the last of my children to be married. Now it's time to start pumping out the grandchildren :) - we're up to 4.

So, that is what's going on in Abelard's life - we're having a busy spring; and, I'm feeling pretty stressed - some good stress, some bad stress, but stress none the less.

And, I'm starting to think that perhaps it's time to consider inching out of my closet a bit more. Not that I want to go to church wearing a pink shirt and rainbow tie - but, I'm just tired of pretending to be straight all the time. So, stay tuned, although I'm not going to rush into anything.

On that note, if you've ever wondered what I look like in real life - there is a site called My Heritage: Celebrity Look Alike where you can upload a photo of yourself and, through face recognition, it will tell you which celebrities you look most alike. So, you simply have to reverse engineer these faces to derive a picture of me :)

Graphing the blog

Hidden found a site that graphs out a web site. Here is the graph of my blog.

All I can say is that some people have way too much time on their hands - including me, apparently.

Although, it is kinda pretty - maybe I should embroider this on my shirt pocket . . .

● (blue): for links (the A tag)
● (red): for tables (TABLE, TR and TD tags)
● (green): for divisions (DIV tag)
● (violet): for images (IMG tag)
● (yellow): for forms (FORM, INPUT, TEXTAREA, SELECT and OPTION tags)
● (orange): for linebreaks and blockquotes (BR, P, and BLOCKQUOTE tags)
● (black): for root node ( HTML tag)
● (gray): all other tags

Gay Mormon news

I've reported on this before; but, it's important enough that I think it bears repeating

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Camp Rock Hudson, Massachusetts - Gay Mormon polygamists have been arriving in droves at this remote corner of western Massachusetts ever since the state’s Supreme Judicial Court gave its approval last month to same-sex marriages.

“Looks like Massachusetts is going to end up being the ‘Promised Land,’” said Elder Moses Smith, who arrived yesterday at the gay polygamist compound with his spouses Ezekiel, Jacob, Joshua, Zachariah, Zebediah, Nehemiah and Kevin. “We mean no one any harm. All we want to do is to live in peace and to be left alone in order to have non-stop hot male action and watch “Malcolm in the Middle” reruns.

Traditional Mormon leaders denounced Elder Smith and the breakaway church he runs which is called the Church of Latter-Day Interior Decorators. “It’s not the gay orgies that we find so objectionable about the Latter-Day Decorators,” said Joseph Smith VIII, the 98-year old President of the Mormon Church who was speaking from his office in Salt Lake City. “What we really find offensive is that they drink coffee.”

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Source: Gay Mormon Polygamists Flocking to Massachusetts from Broken Newz.

Conundrum

I last blogged about the paradox of being gay and Mormon. Being gay and Mormon makes certain life decisions much more difficult than they are for our heterosexual counterparts.

For example, although the election is long since over, the decision of the LDS church to enter the political fray in California caused quite a stir in the bloggernacle - and a chill through the gay Mormon community. For many, there is no question about their support for the church as they perceive the gay community using this issue to force their deviant lifestyle onto the masses. For some of us, however, it's not so simple - we may be active members, hold temple recommends, even leadership callings; but, we are also in a unique position, because of our own dealing with attractions to those of our same gender. We have greater understanding and empathy for the real underlying reasons behind gay marriage and, therefore, are better able to set aside the political rhetoric.

So, do we follow the prophet? Or do we follow our heart? I don't know about others; but for me, trying to reconcile this dichotomy is becoming a real struggle. The Sunday School answer, of course, is that we should follow the prophet. Unfortunately, simple answers don't always work on complex issues such as this. Having the LDS church jump into this political quagmire has emboldened some members to ramp up their homophobic reactions and comments. We see this in bloggernacle discussions as well as Sacrament, Sunday School, Priesthood, and Relief Society meetings. Following the prophet becomes increasingly difficult when his words and actions cause others to say and do things which make you feel hated and reviled.

For those of us who are not public with our proclivities, following the prophet becomes increasingly difficult when his words and actions cause us to retreat deeper into our closets.

Church should be an uplifting experience; so, following the prophet becomes increasingly difficult when his words and actions exposes us to inappropriate discussions within the context of church meetings; and, puts us in a difficult position deciding whether we should speak up and appear defiant or remain silent, cursing ourselves for not standing up for what is right.

My heart tells me that the church's decision to enter this political battle was wrong; and, I believe it will have long term consequences - which leaves me with a conundrum ...

One of the temple recommend questions says

Do you sustain the President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints as the Prophet, Seer, and Revelator and as the only person on the earth who possesses and is authorized to exercise all priesthood keys? Do you sustain members of the First Presidency and the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles as prophets, seers, and revelators? Do you sustain the other General Authorities and local authorities of the Church?

I do not support the churches decision to encourage members in California to donate both their time and means in the campaign to help pass a constitutional amendment banning same sex marriage; in fact, were I still living in California, I would have been tempted to do just the opposite and donate my time and means to oppose the amendment. At a minimum I would have voted "No".

However, I do support both my local and church leaders in other things. So can I, in good faith, answer "Yes" to the question above? Or, do I need to say "Yes, but ..." and explain my support for gay marriage and my disappointment in the church for getting involved in the politics opposing it? Is 99% support good enough?

Another temple recommend question says

Do you support, affiliate with, or agree with any group or individual whose teachings or practices are contrary to or oppose those accepted by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints?

We have gay couples right here in the Mormon queerosphere who are living in committed monogamous same sex relationships and, presumably, are engaging in gay sex - clearly in direct opposition to the teachings of the LDS church. Yet, I affiliate with and support these couples and their families It's not a matter of simply knowing someone who is not living according to LDS church teachings - I approve of their same-sex relationships. I even feel a bit jealous - they are living a life I can only yearn for given the decisions I've made for myself.

So, can I, in good faith, answer "No" to the question above? Or, do I need to say "No, but ..." and explain my relationship with gay couples in the queerosphere?

And, how strong is my conviction? Am I willing to risk foregoing a temple recommend on principal? Or am I so weak as to be willing to lie in the temple recommend interview so as to avoid any such confrontation? Or should I just quietly let my temple recommend expire?

For those of you with temple recommends, are you facing this same conundrum? How are you dealing with it? I have until August 2009 to figure this out.

Paradox

Yesterday I read Max's (Here's to Hope) latest blog post

[pause - go read it if you haven't already]

And now I'm so totally confused. He seems so happy, so content, so confident. But, he's not supposed to be dammit! He should be feeling lost and confused. We're taught that true happiness can only be found by keeping the commandments - commandments which tell gay people that they either have to be heterosexually married or live a life of lonely celibacy. He is supposed to be miserable - not joyful.

It's a paradox.

For most of my life I lived in complete denial of my sexuality. There was no paradox - I simply had a dark secret that I was prepared to take with me to the grave.

But just a couple of years ago I finally found the courage to come to terms with who and what I am. For the first time in my entire life - I was able to utter the words "I am gay" and not cringe in disgust. But, with that acceptance arose this paradox.

I am truly happy for Max (and, I must also confess, a wee bit jealous). Yet, I find myself feeling sad as well. Sad that he is forced to make a choice between his happiness and his religion - a religion that teaches people like us that we cannot be truly happy if we give into to our natural attractions. And yet, for many of us, that is the only way to find true happiness - that is the paradox of being a gay Mormon.

But, by being happy for him - am I supporting, affiliating with, or agreeing with an individual whose teachings or practices are contrary to or oppose those accepted by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints? Is this an act of apostasy on my part? Am I sacrificing my own eternal reward for simply wanting the best for my friends? A 'best' that is at odds with my religion.

How can I resolve this paradox? I want to fully support my church - I've covenanted to do so. But I am finding it increasingly difficult to support it in all things. I know the party line - I taught it myself for many years. I need to have more faith - I need to trust that the men whom I believe are called of God are doing the will of God. And yet, these words sound increasingly hollow.

Many people in my position want answers. But, is it possible to get an answer from someone who doesn't even acknowledge the question? It seems that the only people who acknowledge the question are the same ones seeking answers. We are the blind leading the blind.

I fear I am turning into a cultural Mormon - one who participates in body, but not in spirit. I attend church each Sunday, I sing in the choir, I teach seminary each weekday morning. But, I don't feel my heart is in it as it once was. Fortunately, I attend a ward where I am not being constantly bombarded with homophobic rhetoric. The topic of homosexuality only comes up rarely in my meetings - and then only in passing comments. And yet it stings when those moments occur - I cannot imagine what it must be like where such conversations are commonplace. I can only say to those that endure that you are a much stronger person than I - as I don't know if I could endure.

Some would say that I've been seduced by Babylon - that I've lost my grip on the iron rod and am groping around in the mists of darkness. But, how can something that feels so right be so wrong? If I cannot trust my own heart ... then how can I possibly place my faith and trust in others?

I believe in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints

I believe that it is possible for two men (or two women) to love one another - and that consummating that love in a committed monogamous relationship is acceptable to God even if it is not acceptable to society.


I support Thomas S. Monson as a prophet, seer, and revelator

I feel President Monson was wrong to abandon our normal position of political neutrality and encourage church members in California to donate of their time and means in the battle to pass proposition 8 in California.

This is my paradox. But, how long can I keep clinging to to these irreconcilable ideals? I feel like I'm being torn asunder. Something has to give - but what? My faith? Or my heart?

Max, if the path you are on leads straight to hell - take comfort knowing that many (if not most) of your friends in the queerosphere will be right there with you. Hey, maybe Scott could throw one of his MoHo parties once we all get there.

Let us all felicitate Max with his new found happiness.

Bloggers block

I can't think of anything worth blogging about anymore. I have a bunch of half written posts sitting in draft state that are too lame to finish and publish.

I want to blog - but the words just aren't coming.

Perhaps something will happen next week that will inspire me to blog about it.

Or, maybe I'm just all blogged out . . .

Casting our pearls before swine

I have to confess, I'm having a difficult time getting all worked up in righteous indignation over HBO Big Love's plan to depict the LDS temple ceremony. First of all, it's already out there for anybody who's really interested. Just google and a few clicks and you'll find pictures, and even the text of the entire endowment ceremony. And the reality is, it's been available to anyone who was interested for decades. When I first joined the church - way back in college - I went to the public library looking for books on mormonism. Lo and behold, there was an anti-Mormon book in the library that included the entire temple ceremony.

Now, I do concur that there is a difference between having it available in some obscure media that few are even aware of verses blasting it out to the masses on a cable TV network. And, I think it shows a tremendous lack of respect on the part of HBO to make light of things we consider very sacred.

But, the temple ceremony is more than just funny underwear, odd clothing, words and a few hand gestures. It's being in a beautiful room with others all dressed in white. It's the quiet whispers. It's waiting in the chapel for the session to start in quiet contemplation. It's sitting in reflection in a beautiful celestial room at the conclusion. It's the whole experience. There is no way they'll be able to duplicate that experience on a TV show. What will be depicted on Big Love will be a pale imitation - distorted and out of context. True, a few of our pearls have been cast before the swine - but we still have the pearl necklace held tightly against our bosom.

What is interesting about all of this is the lack of outcry from non-Mormon's. Try depicting sacred parts of Islam and there would likely be a tremendous amount of righteous indignation with much weeping, wailing and gnashing of teeth - and not just from muslims. The same would be true for the Eastern religions.

But Mormon's - in fact, Christians in general - are fair game. It's like white guys being the only ethnic group you can poke fun at without being accused of being bigoted. Christianity in general and Mormonism specifically are the only religions you can poke fun at without being accused of being disrespectful. We're the fall guys. We're the plunky side kicks who are constantly running into walls and having pies thrown in our faces. If you're a white Mormon guy - well then there is absolutely no hope - we might as well walk around with a jester hat and a sign on our back that says "kick me".

I also think we need to get used to it - because this is how it's going to be from now on. With proposition 8, we can talk all we want about how we were simply standing up for morality and families until we're blue in the face. But, the reality is - we threw down the gauntlet and told the world that we will only respect the beliefs of others so long as they don't conflict with our own beliefs. And, so the world has responded - "if you aren't going to respect us then we won't respect you." Perhaps this is just more reaping of what we have sown. We can cry foul and say it's unfair all we want - but, from the media reports I've read it seems that, for the most part, our indignation is falling on deaf ears - and Mormon's are coming across looking petty and small-minded.

So, when we are kicked. we can allow ourselves to get all worked up about it - but in the end, it won't change anything. Or, we can just shrug our shoulders, say "whatever" and move on with our lives. I opt for the latter.

Politically incorrect

I'm probably going to get hammered for this; but, I thought this was pretty funny. Although, admittedly, these may apply to some of us in the queerosphere too (I can certainly relate to a couple).

IF WOMEN CONTROLLED THE WORLD

And so it continues

This was posted on Queers United today. Can anybody confirm the accuracy of this? It certainly seems completely plausible. If true, it appears to be initiated by local church members In Nauvoo rather than by LDS church headquarters - although no doubt spurred on by the actions the church took in California with proposition 8.

I have to wonder where else this type of thing is occurring where members feel empowered to utilize the church (ward web sites, bulletins, announcements in meetings, etc.) to further a political cause. Was proposition 8 an anomaly with a return to political neutrality? Or was proposition 8 only the beginning of a new direction the church is taking in taking a more active role in battling what it perceives to be moral issues?

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Mormon Machine Working Against Civil Unions in Illinois

The following official email was just sent out (via the LDS Church website) to all the members of the Nauvoo 3rd Ward, as approved by Kristy Combs, ward website administrator, and by Bishop Chris Church of the Nauvoo 3rd Ward. (Because it was sent through the LDS website, it required the authorization of a bishop or higher.)

"This message has been authorized for sending by Bishop Church.

The Civil Union Bill (HB 2234) has been scheduled for a hearing in the Youth and Family Committee this week on Thursday, March 5, 2009 at 9:00 a.m. in Springfield. If the bill is voted out of committee, it becomes eligible for a vote before the full Illinois House of Representatives. This bill will legalize civil unions in the state of Illinois, and will treat such civil unions with the same legal obligations, responsibilities, protections and benefits as are afforded within marriage. In other words, civil unions will be different in name only from marriage. As has already been seen in Massachusetts, this will empower the public schools to begin teaching this lifestyle to our young children regardless of parental requests otherwise. It will also create grounds for rewriting all social mores; the current push in Massachusetts is to recognize and legalize all transgender rights (An individual in Massachusetts can now change their drivers license to the gender they believe themselves to be, regardless of actual gender, which means that confused men and women are now legally entering one another's bathrooms and locker rooms.What kind of a safety issue is this for our children?). Furthermore, while the bill legalizes civil unions, it will be used in the courts to show discrimination and will ultimately lead to court mandated same-sex marriages.

To help defeat this bill, please call your state representative and state senator and ask that they support traditional marriage and vote against the civil unions bill. If you are unsure who your legislators are, please see the link at the end of this email.

Also, please take a moment and call the following members of the Youth and Family Committee to encourage them to vote no on this bill. We need 4 votes to keep it from passing out of the committee. And - as always, please pass this on to all who believe in protecting our families and our children. If you are interested in attending the hearing, it will be held on Thursday, March 5th at 9:00 a.m. in Springfield in Room 122B of the Capitol Building (I can give you directions to the Capitol Building if needed).

Members of the Youth and Family Committee:

Rep. Greg Harris (D-Chicago) (Greg Harris is also the sponsor of this bill, but he needs to hear your opposition to this bill)
Chairperson
217-782-3835

Rep. LaShawn K. Ford (D-Chicago)
Vice-Chairperson
217-782-5962

Rep. Mike Fortner (R-West Chicago)
Republican Spokesperson
217-782-1653

Rep. William D. Burns (D-Chicago)
217-782-2023

Rep. Michael P. McAuliffe (R-Chicago)
217-782-8182

Rep. Al Riley (D-Matteson)
217-558-1007

Rep. Dave Winters (R-Rockford)
217-782-0455

Directions for identifying your legislators:

You can use the following link to identify your state legislators and
their contact information: http://www.elections.il.gov/DistrictLocator/SelectSearchType.aspx?NavLink=1 (and enter your 9
digit zip code). If this link doesn't work, you can use the general
link www.ilga.gov and then click on " legislator lookup" near the
bottom of the page, then click on "by zip+4". Type in your zip code,
and you'll see a list of your legislators. You want your state
senator and state representative as they will be the ones voting on
the bill.

Please feel free to contact me if you have any questions.

Sister Combs"

Please do the opposite of this action alert by the church and tell your legislators you support the HB2234 the civil unions bill.

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