Homo no more

Sometimes . . . I don't want to be gay anymore. I don't just mean the terminology - I don't want to be attracted to guys. Not that I have anything against gay folk; some of the nicest people I know are gay. It's just that for someone in my position - a man married to a woman - it's dang inconvenient to be heterosexually-challenged.

I can't help being gay. I try to not let it define me - but it is an important part of who I am. Telling me to ignore my gayness is like telling a tall person to ignore their height. Do you want them going around conking their head on door frames? But, just as a tall person may sometimes wish they were of more average height, or a person might wish they had straight or curly hair - I sometimes wish I liked girls more. Well ... truth be told ... more than 'sometimes'.

It's just not fair! It's not fair to my wife; it's not fair to me. Why do guys have to be so dang attractive?

SIGH

Announcement: MoHo Directory

I've created a new blog titled MoHo Directory. I've moved my blog list of family, extended family, and friends of the family over to this new blog and will, eventually, be deleting them from this blog.

Please let me know if there are any mistakes, missing blogs, etc.

Feel free to add a link to the MoHo Directory on your blog. A bitmap we could use as a button would be nice, if anybody feels so inclined to create one.

Also, if anyone is interested in being a co-author of the MoHo Directory blog to assist in keeping it up to date then let me know - your help would be greatly appreciated.

Sexual immorality leads to selfishness, brutality, abortion, sexual abuse, violent crime, and [GASP] acts of homosexuality

I was preparing my seminary lesson - as I often do on Sunday afternoon. In addition to the seminary teacher resource manual, I was also referring to the Institute Religion 121-122 Book of Mormon student manual - as I often do - for further insight. This week we're studying the book of Jacob.

The prophet Jacob chastened the people for, among other things, sexual immorality - leading to further discussion in both the seminary and institute manuals. The institute manual included a quote from Elder Richard G. Scott which ended with the following paragraph:

"Sexual immorality creates a barrier to the influence of the Holy Spirit with all its uplifting, enlightening, and empowering capabilities. It causes powerful physical and emotional stimulation. In time, that creates an unquenchable appetite that drives the offender to ever more serious sin. It engenders selfishness and can produce aggressive acts such as brutality, abortion, sexual abuse, and violent crime. Such stimulation can lead to acts of homosexuality, and they are evil and absolutely wrong” (in Conference Report, Oct. 1994, 50–51; or Ensign, Nov. 1994, 38).

Say what??? I had to go back and re-read this a couple of times. I was OK with everything he said prior to this paragraph. If he had ended with the first or second sentence of this paragraph I would have been OK. But, to suggest that sexual immorality leads to brutality and violent crime? I've known a lot of people who, according to LDS doctrine, are sexually immoral. Good people - who just don't agree that sex should be limited to married couples. To suggest that, if they don't get married, they will eventually become brutal and violent criminals just seems ludicrous. I'll wager a guess that most people who are brutal and violent probably have no qualms about sexual immorality - but to suggest that their sexual improprieties led them to become brutal and violent is like saying all people who have died have consumed water - therefore, water must be hazardous to our health.

And the whole business of sexual immorality leading to acts of homosexuality - I just don't get that at all. Is he suggesting that heterosexual boys who keep having sex outside of marriage will eventually get bored with girls and start banging other boys?

And, to equate homosexuality with brutality and violence - seriously, does he even know any homosexuals? As a group, homosexuals tend to be far more humble and passive than their heterosexual counterparts. Show me two guys - one gay and one straight - and ask me which one is the brutal and violent criminal - and I'm going to say that, in all likelihood, it's the straight dude.

What especially bothers me is that, while the quote is from several years ago, the institute manual itself is brand new - copyright 2009. Do they not ever stop to consider how the quotes they put in these manuals might affect people? Consider the young man, sexually chaste his whole live - yet struggling with unwanted feelings. Perhaps he's a returned missionary - trying to figure out why his missionary companions were more attractive to him than girls. How is he going to feel after reading this passage? Uplifted with the knowledge that he is right with God? Or is he going to feel dirty and unworthy simply because of these feelings he has - feelings he's never acted upon?

Mind you, I'm not excusing sexual immorality. As I stated in my last post about my journey - I place a high value on fidelity within a relationship. I just think sometimes, these guys don't know when to stop. Surly God did not reveal these "truths" to him.

Some might say I'm nit picking - and perhaps I am. But, I'm in a position where I'm supposed to teach these things to our youth. How can I relate things as "inspired teachings" that I personally see as stupid and dumb? And, if he totally missed the mark on this very serious topic, how can I trust anything else he says?

Yesterday in priesthood meeting the lesson was on Adversity. As part of the lesson, a quote was read by Boyd K. Packard where he taught that "gender was determined in the pre-mortal existence." Not really quite sure what that has to do with adversity - but it somehow led to a discussion of California's proposition 8 centering around this being an unpopular teaching in the world today - because, apparently, all of us gay guys want to be girls.

. . . people just shouldn't talk about things they know nothing about.

My journey

It would be hypocritical of me to not blog about where I am in my journey - my proposed theme for October 2009.

• How did you get to where you are today?

I grew up in a different era. Except for small geographical pockets, like San Francisco, people just weren't open about their sexuality. There was a gay student union in my college which intrigued me - but I was investigating the LDS church at the time. I sometimes wonder how different my life would be had I gone over to the gay student union rather than the LDS church. I most certainly would not have married. It's quite possible that I'd be dead by now. That was before AIDS came into the public consciousness. A lot of gay men from that era died from complications due to AIDS.

It was almost exactly 3 years ago (fall of 2006) when I finally sat myself down and said "self - admit it, you're gay." I've known I was different from other guys pretty much my entire life. I knew that other boys were more interested in girls than I was and didn't have the same fascination with men that I did. But, in my mind, that didn't make me gay. This "male attraction" I had was my cross to bear, the thorn in my side, a dirty dark secret I was prepared to take with me to my grave.

All of my early journey experiences are chronicled in this blog - including telling my wife that I'm gay a few months after accepting it myself. So, I won't repeat it here.

• Are you happy with where you are? why or why not?

I can't say I'm happy at this point in my life - but it's not because of my homosexuality. I suffer from clinical depression for which I've been taking antidepressants for several years. I'm currently unemployed and unable to find a job. My wife and I are entering a new phase in our lives - the empty nester phase - and I'm not sure what to do with myself anymore not having children around all the time. Add to that my spiritual crisis I'm going through concerning my membership in the LDS church. Yes, being gay probably is a factor - but I don't think it's the major contributing factor to my current state of well being.

That said, while I can't say that I'm happy at this point in my life - I'm also not super depressed either. I'm just trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up.

• Where do you see yourself in the future?

That is the $1,000,000 question. I don't know where I'll ultimately end up - but I have a pretty good idea for where I'd like to be.

• I'd like to be 'out'. Not that I plan on telling everybody I meet that I'm gay - I just don't want it to be a secret anymore.
• I intend on staying married to my wife
• I'd like to have platonic, non-threatening to my wife, relationships with other men
• I'd like to be involved helping others on their journey

• What roadblocks do you have and/or have overcome?

The biggest roadblock I've overcome was just accepting the fact that I'm gay.

I think the biggest roadblock I have now is that my closet is increasingly becoming stuffy and stifling. As I wrote earlier, it's not that I want to go around telling everyone that I meet that I'm gay - I'm just tired of having to keep it a secret all the time. I'm fed up with having to watch everything I do or say around others lest they suspect 'my secret'.

Unfortunately, the decision to come out of my closet is not mine alone to make. When I told my wife that I'm gay, I effectively dragged her into my closet. Anything I do in this regard will have a tremendous impact on her as well - and I need to be sensitive to that.

Also, while I would like to be honest with my children regarding my sexuality - the thought of actually sitting down with my children and telling them that I'm gay terrifies me.

• What advice do you have for others following a similar path that you have?

I believe fidelity in a relationship is of paramount importance. That's not to say that all mixed orientation marriages are destined to survive. But, if you are heterosexually married and want to pursue a same sex relationship then please formally end the relationship you are in before starting another. The same holds true once you are in a same sex relationship - remain true.

• What advice do you have for family and friends?

When a friend or loved one 'comes out' to family and friends, they are signaling that there is a secret part of themselves that they are ready to share. Unfortunately, for many of the straight family and friends, the knee jerk reaction is to not want to talk about it. The sexuality of the friend or loved one becomes the elephant in the room - something everyone is acutely aware of, but no one wants to talk about. When a friend or loved one 'comes out' then let them know that you are always there for them. That doesn't mean you have to agree with the choices they are making. There is a big difference between acceptance and condoning - you can accept your loved one without condoning what they are doing. You should also not stand in judgment of them - it's OK to share your feelings and discomfort; but, don't feel like you have to constantly remind them. We all make choices that we believe are right - but that others might see as wrong. And, sometimes, you may just have to suck it up and do things you are not comfortable with - such as welcoming the partner of your gay loved one into your home. But, it's OK to set boundaries and rules for acceptable behavior in your home - just be sure to be consistent in your rules governing your homosexual and hetrosexual family and friends.

So, that's it in a nutshell - that's where I am in my journey.

Homosexuality and The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints

My 15 seconds of fame came a couple of years ago when I discovered that my blog is referenced in a Wikipedia entry titled Homosexuality and The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Since I do get occasional hits on my blog via that link, I have gone back to read it a few times. The article has changed dramatically over time. I'm not sure I can put my finger on it - but the article has always bothered me some. I just get the sense that most of the people contributing to the article are not family and really don't understand homosexuality as much as they think they do.

Anyway, the article lists several people as prominent individuals within the gay Mormon community. I'm just curious how these people measure up in the collective opinion of the Mormon queerosphere.

So, I've added a poll - whom do you feel deserves to be listed as a prominent individual within the gay Mormon community. It's a multi-choice poll - so, choose all of the individuals you feel are deserving of this honor (if we can call it that). You can reference the article for a brief bio of who these people are if you are not familar with the name.

Confused and bewildered

This is an appeal to the woman-folk who read my blog. Maybe you could help me understand an/or give me advice

On Sunday, I am going to a potluck dinner with the local chapter of Affirmation. I'm also bringing my copy of the Gay Christian Network documentary Through My Eyes for us to watch together. A few weeks ago I actually brought up the idea with with my wife of hosting such an event in our home some time. She said she wasn't ready for that yet (which I respect) and suggested I attend some of their functions to make sure it was something I really might want to do. So. it might be a stretch to say she is OK with me going - but she is, at least, accepting of it.

The person organizing the dinner contacted me saying that, at least, one of the people coming is vegetarian and asked if I might be able to bring something they could eat. After confirming that they do eat cheese, I decided on making eggplant parmesan (since I have some eggplants in the garden that need to be eaten). Yesterday I mentioned this to my wife; and, she immediately started a tirade saying that was way too much work and asked if I really wanted to go to that much trouble. This caught me off guard since I enjoy cooking - and she knows that; and, I wouldn't even consider it if I thought it was too much effort.

For dinner this evening I was planning on making Cuban Sandwiches. This morning I mentioned that I was going to come up with something else for dinner tonight as I thought Cuban Sandwiches would be a good simple meal for us to have for lunch on Sunday after church. She again launched into a tirade saying that we don't need two big meals on Sunday and do I really want to make Cuban Sandwiches since I'll be spending all afternoon in the kitchen making the eggplant parmesan. I protested saying it was just a sandwich and asked if it was wrong of me to want to make something for my wife? She then retorted saying that she didn't want me to do it because I feel guilty - she then said that we'll just eat leftovers after church. I pointed out that she never eats leftovers and would probably just end up making a PB&J sandwich or something.

I'm really rather confused with all of this. She is obviously not as accepting of me going as I thought she was. She seems to feel threatened that I'm not just going as a passive participant, but that I'm actively involved to a certain degree.

To my man-brain, I feel like I am being totally honest and upfront about what I'm doing, where I'm going, who I'll be with, etc.; and, it just seems silly to argue about what we'll have for lunch. But, this obviously a big deal for her woman-brain. So, help me to understand. What can I do to alleviate some of her fears? Should I not talk about it so much? Should I not go and stay home with her? Mind you, it's just the two of us now, and I'm not working; so, we spend a lot of time together. To my man-brain I don't feel like I'm ignoring her. She actually spends more time away from home than I do with her quilting group, etc. which I support her in. Every Monday she gets together with some other ladies who sew and they do a potluck lunch. To my man-brain it just seems fair that I should be able to occasionally do things without her, including a potluck.

I just want her to be OK being married to a gay man who goes off and does gay things once in a while - to my man-brain that doesn't seem too much to ask. But, am I setting unreasonable expectations for her?

What a month

Esquire magazine has an article claiming that the reason for the vampire craze (i.e. Twilight) is that there are, evidently, a whole bunch of young women who want to have sex with hot young gay men.

Harry Reid has publicly criticized the LDS church for their involvement in proposition 8 in California.

And now me thinks all is not well in Zion. What with Hollands chest beating "the Book of Mormon is true - damnit" talk in general conference. And Dallen Oaks, in his recent speech at BYU-Idaho, pretty much declaring that Mormonism is the new black. I thought gay was the new black. What if you're both Mormon and gay, do they cancel each other out? People a whole lot smarter than me will have to figure that one out.

I think the LDS church is feeling the weight of their decision to oppose gay marriage in California and to rally the troops in helping to get proposition 8 passed. I think LDS church leaders truly do not grasp why the church is under so much criticism of late. Rather than doing some serious self reflection to consider the consequences of their actions - they are digging in and claiming that their civil rights are being violated. More and more I'm becoming convinced that the LDS leadership just don't 'get it'.

I know a lot of you came to that conclusion a long time ago - some of us are just slow, OK? Seriously, I keep clinging to the notion that maybe the problem is just with me. And, they're making it harder and harder to see it that way.

The LDS church has been criticized and persecuted since it's inception. We've heard all our lives that we're not christian, that Joseph Smith was a fraud, that we're followers of Satan. We thrive on such persecution. So what's different now? Are we OK with religious persecution? But political persecution - that's just not fair?

In my gut I just feel there is something more going on than just criticism and persecution. Perhaps the LDS church leadership is disturbed and unnerved by recent signs and trends. I'm certainly not 'in the know'. It could be tithing receipts are down - but that could be blamed on the economy. Perhaps requests to have membership removed is at an all time high. Maybe missionary baptisms are down and/or the inactivity rate is up. I don't know. We'll never know for sure since the church is extremely secretive about such things. But, it sure seems like there is something going on ...

Another national coming-out day - another day spent hiding in my closet

That's really all I have to say on the matter.

October theme

A proposed theme for the month of October 2009 to blog about is:

Where are you in your journey?

Many, if not most, of us started out at one point in our lives believing that homosexuality is a grievous sin - second only to murder in seriousness. Some may still believe that homosexuality is wrong - which is fine - but their understanding of homosexuality has probably changed. So

• How did you get to where you are today?
• Are you happy with where you are? why or why not?
  
• Where do you see yourself in the future?
• What roadblocks do you have and/or have overcome?
• What advice do you have for others following a similar path that you have?
• What advice do you have for family and friends?
  

Note: I think this topic is apropos for our straight friends as well. Certainly any who read our blogs and/of have their own blogs have been on a journey and evolved in their opinions of homosexuality.

For those who do not have a blog of their own - or do not feel comfortable putting this on their own personal blog (for whatever reason), please feel free to email your thoughts and I'll post them on the MoHo Polls blog (either with your name or anonymously, just tell me which).

Finally, the MoHo polls blog is pretty drab - any ideas for sprucing it up? Also, a logo of sorts that others could put on their blog (with a link to MoHo Polls) would be nice.

And, I'm always open for ideas for future polls.

New polls for October 2009

Checkout the new polls on MoHo Polls for October 2009.

I appreciate all of those who took up the challenge to blog about their thoughts on masturbation during the month of September. I've published a post on MoHo Polls with links to all of the ones I know about as well as links to other resources representing a wide variety of different views on the topic. Let me know if I missed any blog posts and/or if there are other resources I ought to link to.

Reorientation via Facebook

I think Facebook is trying to turn me straight.

According to Facebook stats, 73% of my Facebook friends are of the male persuasion, yet the vast majority of the people Facebook recommends as friends are girls.

It's even invited me to become a fan of Mercedes Jones, Tina Cohen-Chang, Quinn Fabray, and Sue Sylvester from Glee. With all of my gay Facebook friends, shouldn't it be recommending I become a fan of Kurt Hummel, Artie Abrams, Finn Hudson, or Will Schuester from Glee? ... and why do I know so much about Glee?

And then it occasionally recommends some random person who happens to have the same first and last name as my wife - does it think that, since I'm Mormon, I might want two of them? Maybe it thinks having two would make me less gay?

I think it's a conspiracy.

Another mundane testimony meeting come and gone

I have to confess - fast and testimony meeting is probably my very least favorite meeting of all time. For any non-members who may be reading this. One sunday of every month is designated as "fast sunday". It's usually the first sunday, but not always. We fast for two meals (for us, it's breakfast & lunch) and donate the money we would have spent on those meals to the church to be distributed to those in need. Instead of our normal sacrament meeting with speakers who prepared talks on a chosen subject, we have a fast and testimony meeting where people get up 'as the spirit moves them' to bear an impromptu testimony.

I still remember my very first fast and testimony meeting. I joined the church in college - but I usually went home to visit my parents on the first sunday. And, I would be traveling back to college on sunday causing me to miss church. So, I never once during that entire school year attended a fast and testimony meeting. The school year ended and I went back home. The very first sunday I attended my new home ward was - you guessed it - fast and testimony meeting. I sat in that meeting stunned - wondering if I had made a big mistake in joining the LDS church. I didn't know any better - I just figured that was they way they did it in this new ward - and I wasn't sure I could take it week after week. I did return the following week which was, of course, a normal sacrament meeting. Upon asking questions, I was educated in the law of the fast and testimony meetings.

But, my entire mormon life - it just has never been a favorite meeting. Don't get me wrong, there have been a few in which I felt moved by the spirit. But, generally, it's just the same people week after week blubbering on about something, other people who just seem to like to hear themselves speak, and little kids reciting words that have obviously been rehearsed with their parents. I never encouraged my children to get up and bear their testimony unless they felt moved to - as I've always found it kinda of annoying. It's always pretty much the same words "I know the church is true, I love my mommy and daddy, in the name of ..." Anyway, I'll get off my 'little kid bearing testimony' soapbox now.

Yesterday was a pretty typical fast and testimony meeting. We have an older gentleman in our ward who gets up just about every testimony meeting and rattles on in a monotone voice for about 10-15 minutes. I've gotten to where I just tune him out -even my wife has a hard time listening to him. When he walked up to the microphone yesterday I looked at the clock and there were only about 15 minutes left in the meeting. I thought to myself "good, he's probably the last one" - only, while he was speaking, 6 more people walked up to the front to wait their turn. He finally finished after about 10 minutes and a sister got up. This particular sister normally bears very insightful testimonies, but yesterday she blabbered on for about 5 minutes - not her normal self. Now it was time when we would normally start singing the closing hymn, and we still had 5 people left waiting to bear their testimonies. Fortunately, they were all conscious of the time and were quick. A member of the bishopric got up, apologized to the sunday school teachers since they now had about 10 minutes less time than they had planned on. We sang the closing hymn, had a closing prayer, and it was over - finally.

I don't know, maybe it's just the sour mood I've been in lately - but, given my current spiritual crisis - I don't need more mundane meetings. I need meetings where I leave feeling moved by the spirit. I need to leave church feeling that me being there mattered - that I'd be missed if I weren't there. Just haven't been feeling that lately.

Next week is general conference. To be honest, it too is down there at the bottom of my list of favorite church meetings. We get the BYU channel on cable - so we just sit at home and watch conference from the comfort of our family room. In the past we've always invited two or three other families to join us on Sunday and have a potluck lunch in between sessions. But, my wife hasn't mentioned anything about inviting people over this time. I think she too is starting to wonder why it seems we are always the ones inviting but are never invited.

So, today is Monday - another week, same ol rut . . .

Decision time

OK, I had a job interview today - my first one since being laid off [please hold the applause]. It was for a part time math tutoring job. It would be 20 hours/week tutoring students who failed the standardized test last year in math. They understand I am looking for a full time teaching position and am willing to allow me time off for interviews, etc.

I've also been contacted by a couple of school districts regarding my substitute teaching application; although, they won't be calling me to substitute until I go to orientation - which is October 20th for one district and November 16th for the other - suggesting that they are not in dire need of substitute teachers.

I won't be able to do both (tutor and substitute); although the math tutoring job pays more; so, even though it's part time, I would still make about the same each week - assuming I was able to get a substitute job all 5 days of every week (which is not necessarily a valid assumption).

So, on one hand, the tutoring job would be more stable and potentially paying more in the long run.

On the other hand, I would only be at one school where as with substituting, I would be going to multiple schools bringing with it more potential networking contacts.

On the other hand, I do better in a situation where I am working with the same kids each day and getting to know them on a personal basis. With substitute teaching, it would always be first impressions.

On the other hand, substitute teaching would expose me to a variety of different subjects and teaching situations.

On the other hand, me thinks math tutoring would look better on a resume (since I'm seeking a position as a math teacher) than the more general substitute teaching.

On the other hand, the math tutoring job is a 30 mile commute and could take an hour or so in rush hour traffic where as the schools in the districts I would be substituting in would more than likely be a shorter commute.

On the other hand, with the math tutoring position, I would be working with 4 kids at a time - allowing me to work with them on more personal basis, verses 20-30 students in a typical classroom when substitute teaching.

On the other hand, there is a possibility that I could land a long term substitute teaching position (e.g. when a teacher goes on maternity leave or some other long term absence) - possible, but probability is totally unknown.

Gosh, how many hands do I have anyway? I'm sure I'll think of more pro's and con's throughout the weekend.

Anyway, they are interviewing multiple candidates for 5 math tutoring positions; so, the math tutoring job is not a shoe-in. But, I think I scored some good points during the interview with some of my answers.

So, my beloved readers - any thoughts? If I'm offered the math tutoring job - should I take it? A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. They said they'd let me know by Tuesday of next week.

Disappointed

Nearly 4 weeks ago I proposed that we - the bloggers of the Mormon queerosphere - designate the topic of "masturbation" for the month of September. It is clearly a topic for which there is a lot of interest - and, judging from the polling results, one on which there are a variety of opinions.

It is now September 25th, and as far as I know, only two other bloggers have taken up the challenge - and one of them has since pulled their post. If I'm wrong and there are others then please let me know. I thought I would update MoHo Polls with links to related posts.

I realize this is a delicate topic - but if we can't discuss it here then where can we discuss it? Or is it destined to be a topic that is on everyone's mind, but which shall not be named nor discussed in the queerosphere?

I have to confess I'm a bit surprised by the results of the masturbation poll currently on MoHo Polls. Pardon my english, but it sure appears that, as a group, we're a bunch of wankers. It seems most people do it, at least, weekly - with some doing it every day and even multiple times in a day. I don't know whether to be impressed by their endurance or worried that they might have a problem.

It would be interesting to see a more scientific poll on this topic comparing heterosexual mormon's with homosexual mormon's. You guys in college - maybe this is an idea for a class project or something?

The polls on MoHo Polls will remain through the month of September - any ideas for other polling topics for October? If not then I may just close down MoHo Polls. Perhaps it's just one of those ideas that sounded good at the time ...

On an unrelated note, I noticed that the Evergreen conference offered discounts for couples - would a gay couple qualify for the discount?

Member teachings

Ever hear a talk at church that really resonated with you? One that you remember for years afterwards? I heard such a talk many years ago when my children were still preschool age. The speaker was a psychologist and he spoke of the different types of teachings we have in the church. He listed 3 main type of teachings

Gospel teachings - These are the eternal truths (e.g. the plan of salvation). These are immutable.

Church teachings - These reflect society and the times, such as policies. For example, when I first joined the church, women were not allowed to pray in sacrament meeting as it was considered a priesthood responsibility. This was a church teaching that has since changed.

Member teachings - These are the teachings that we need to be wary of. These are the personal opinions of people which may or may not be in harmony with gospel or church teachings. For example, I had a missionary companion who would tell investigators that they had to give up chocolate when we taught the word of wisdom.

This particular talk also resonated with my wife - and has been a topic of discussion between us throughout the years. Often when we hear someone say something that is just totally off the wall, we'll just look at each other and nod in recognition of a member teaching.

I recently talked to my wife about my reluctance to go get my temple recommend renewed. I explained that there are a couple of questions I'm not sure I can answer to the satisfaction of our bishop and/or stake president. As we discussed this further, she related some of the things she heard in church while visiting our daughter in California and said that she thinks proposition 8 make a lot of people in the church go crazy and say a lot of stupid things. I countered asking about leaders saying some of these same things. She then said that she believes even general authorities can be guilty of member teachings.

I understand what she is saying. For example, Bruce R. McConkie has gone on record and admitted that some of the things he put in his book "Mormon Doctrine" are wrong.

My concern is: How are we supposed to know the difference? When a general authority speaks in an official capacity as a representative of the church, how are we supposed to discern if it's a gospel teaching, a church teaching, or a member teaching? Yeah, I know, pray - read the scriptures - go to church. But what if we've done all that and conclude a particular teaching is wrong - but others discern the same teaching as "thus sayeth the Lord ..."? Who's right? Who's wrong? Can we both be right (or wrong)?

For many in the church, when a general authority speaks, it is as if the Lord himself had spoken. And, once God has spoken it - through his earthly representatives - the time for thinking is past. The only course of action left is to follow and obey. To disagree with a general authority is akin to disagreeing with God! For someone to speak up in a church meeting and disagree with the words of a general authority would be considered apostasy and blasphemous.

Others in the queerosphere have commented on the talk Elder Bruce C. Hafen, of the Seventy, gave at the recent annual conference for Evergreen International. I read his talk, and, without going into detail, I don't agree with much of what he says. Am I supposed to just shake my head and tell myself that he is just giving his opinion - his member teaching - to an audience of like minded people? That's much easier said than done - especially knowing that others will read his same words and nod in agreement, believing that he is speaking the will of the Lord.

This is the crux of a problem that is festering within me. These are men whom I've always considered to be men of God - and whom I trusted and sustained without question. But now - I can't just accept everything they say at face value anymore. And, I keep having the nagging thought: if they are wrong about one thing - then what else are they wrong about?

I feel like a little kid who just found out Santa Clause isn't real - wondering if he can ever trust his parents in anything. Like that little kid, part of me still wants to believe. But he can't - not with these nagging doubts haunting him. Because learning the truth has caused other things to fall into place - things that he previously chose to ignore, but that he can ignore no longer.

I just wish I could help my wife better understand my feelings - as she believes I should just dismiss those things I disagree with as member teachings - and then go in for a temple recommend interview answering the same as I always have. But I can't do that - it would feel . . . dishonest.