I remember once when I was walking alone down a path at school and Kevin came running up to walk with me. Kevin was a very outgoing guy and had many friends (some of whom didn’t particularly like me). Of all the people he could have chosen to walk with, he chose me. I still remember the thrill it gave me as I felt so special ... and undeserving.
Kevin was a beautiful boy. He had short dark hair and was very fit and trim. He was everything I wanted to be; and, best of all, he was my friend. I would have done anything for Kevin - or to Kevin - if he had asked me. Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending upon your perspective) he didn't swing that way as he was very straight and quite the ladies man.
I never had many friends growing up. Somehow, I think I never felt worthy to have friends. So, it was a thrill to have someone like Kevin as a friend. We met at the school backpacking club of which we were both members. We had weekend backpacking trips just about every month. The backpacking club was coed and the teacher who sponsored it was very liberal; so, it wasn't uncommon to see a boy/girl couple go off to a more secluded area to setup camp.
I recall one particular camping trip; we were resting from our hike near a mountain lake; and, Kevin took off his back pack and then stripped down to go skinny dipping in the lake. I was totally amazed that he would strip down stark naked in front of the girls; I could never imagine myself doing that. I was also thrilled to behold his naked body - he was even more beautiful with his perfectly formed slender body and a dark bush above his manhood. After that I would often dream of his naked body by the lake. Even into adulthood - sometimes, when having a homoerotic dream, I would be transported back in time to high school - and Kevin.
I wasn’t the only one who had a crush on Kevin - although possibly the only boy. When we were together, he often talked of girls he wanted to have sex with. On our backpacking trips, sometimes, he and a girl would go off to a secluded area just outside the camping area where everyone else was staying to pitch his tent and they would spend the night together (he always carried condoms in his backpack). I remember being jealous those nights because he wasn’t sleeping near me. I just liked being around Kevin. I felt really good when he was near me.
On one backpacking trip, as we were driving back home, I was sitting in the back seat next to Kevin and we all fell asleep. I recall waking up to find Kevin leaning on me with his head on my shoulder. I didn’t move. I just stayed there as long as I could, trying to remain as motionless as possible so as to not wake him.
During this same timeperiod, I had acquired my first Book of Mormon and was reading it one time on the school bus. I remember Kevin coming to sit by me; and, after seeing what I was reading, told me that he was a jack Mormon. The irony - my first crush was for a Mormon boy (albeit, an inactive one).
I lost track of Kevin after my sophomore year when my family moved to another town and I switched high schools; although, in college, there was a boy who lived down the hall from me in the dorm that looked a lot like Kevin. The first time I saw him, I ran up and excitedly said “Hi Kevin” - but it wasn’t Kevin; and, I felt really stupid after that. But, afterwards, every time I saw him I thought of Kevin.
When I first created my Facebook account, being curious, I looked to see if anybody else from that highschool class was on Facebook - and lo and behold, there was Kevin. I sent him a message via Facebook and we exchanged a few messages back and forth. I don't think he really remembered me - it was more exchanging names of other people we both knew. I don't know why, but I never invited him to be my Facebook friend (nor did he invite me). Anyway, that brief exchange brought me closure. I don't think of him as often as I once did. But, I did write a poem about him once in my personal journal.
Unrequited Love by Abelard EnigmaI often wonder, with experiences like this growing up - why did it take me so long to accept my true sexuality?
His face illuminated me
His touch excited me
His presence assured me
But, alas, these feelings were not mutual
He liked me well enough
But, I was just friend, one of many
A friend from a previous era
A friend long forgotten
But I haven’t forgotten
He was my first true love
Can we ever forget our first love?
Even a love unrequited?
February theme: How about you? Who was your first crush? Was it for a boy or a girl? Was it mutual or unrequited? How did it end? Where were you in accepting your sexuality at the time?