Wednesday, July 18, 2007


Me: "Hello, my name is Abelard, and I'm a blogoholic"

You: "Hi Abelard"

Sunday, I came home from a long day at church (my meetings start at 6:30am, and it was about 2:30pm when I finally got home). After eating a snack, I went upstairs to 'check my email' (which is a euphemism for 'I'm having withdrawal symptoms from my blog and I need a fix'). I turned on my computer and --- GASP!!! --- no internet connection! I crawled under my computer desk and started sorting through the rats nest of wires. I tried unplugging my router for a minute to reset it. Nothing I did helped. Desperate, I looked up the number for my internet service provider and called them. After navigating through VRU hell, I was finally able to talk to a real person. She walked me through a bunch of things (most of which I had already tried). She tried doing a remote reset of the ONT (the big ugly gray box on the side of my house where the FIOS fiber optic line connects to). In the past, whenever I've had problems with my internet service, a reset of the ONT fixed the problem - sadly, not this time. She finally told me that they would send a service technician to my home on Monday morning to look at the problem. To make a long story short, my internet connection is working now.

But, the point of this post is how I felt afterwards. I was really feeling sorry for myself. My son and his wife were over for dinner (with the twin babies), and I sat on the couch brooding - all because I couldn't check my blog.

I was able to finally snap out of it and enjoy playing with my grandbabies. But, it got me to thinking - have I allowed myself to become too immersed. I was reading Straight+Narrow; and, he went a whole week without being able to check his blog. I'm sure he had a great time visiting with his grandparents; but, my first thought was "ohmygosh, how could he stand it?"

I'm pathetic.

I need help!

My first thoughts are that I need to give up this blogging stuff - it's starting to control my life. But, then I think of all of the great people I've met in the Mormon queerosphere - everyone here has helped me come to terms with this gay thing.

So, then I have second thoughts - I don't want to give this up, I can't give up my blogging friends. The Mormon queerosphere has been a lifesaver for me (in a very literal sense). I could try moderating my blogging activity; but, can an alcoholic moderate his drinking?

I've made some good friends here in the queerosphere - people whom I look forward to meeting in person one day. But, the thought of doing so terrifies me. What if I'm not what you expect? What if you only like the blogging me, not the real flesh and blood me? Am I like the person on the other end of a phone sex line where I talk sexy, but in reality, I'm old, fat, and ugly (or, so I've heard. I've never actually called a phone sex line - really!).

I do a pretty good job at pretending that I have it together, most of the time. But, the truth is: I'm really screwed up!

I feel so lost and confused right now ... and alone, so very much alone.

And, I just don't know if I can do this anymore ...