Satisfying my urges

Lately I've been feeling an emptiness in my soul. I've been having these urges deep within my bosom, a burning desire to

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resume practicing the piano.

I've never been that great of a pianist; but, I do enjoy playing. Or, at least I did. I don't know why, but I just up and quit playing a few years ago. I was even taking piano lessons at the time. I quit my lessons and quit playing the piano. I think it had something to do with other stresses going on in my life at the time; but, now I regret making that decision. Since that time, I have occasionally sat down to play hymns out of the hymnal. I've even substituted in Priesthood opening exercises a few times when there weren't any other piano players around. But, lately, just playing hymns has not been satisfying me - I want more.

I once had a goal in my life to become an organist (how gay is that?). In fact, when I was in college, that was just one of the goals I set for myself, I even minored in music for a while (although, I didn't complete the minor).

The reality is: I haven't achieved any of my goals that I set back in college. Some are because my priorities have changed and they are no longer important to me, such as getting a PhD. Some are because my goals changed over time. For example, I used to want to have 8 children. But, after our first child was born then 7 children seemed like a good number. After our second child then 6 children seemed like the ideal family size. After our third child then 5 children seemed like a worthy goal. And, after our fourth child ... well, 4 children was just right.

But, to become an organist ... I just don't have a good excuse for why I never achieved that goal. I was realistic in my goal - I never saw myself as the tabernacle organist. But, I would like to be good enough to play in church some day.

So, what does this have to do with the piano? Because, back when I was in college minoring in music, the organ professor told me that in order to become a good organist, I first had to become a good pianist. He told me I had to be very proficient with the keyboard, know all of my scales, etc.

And so, I set a corollary goal to become a pianist. In the early years of my marriage with young children, traveling for work, etc. that goal had to be put on the back burner. But when our children were older and I was no longer traveling on business as much, I started taking private piano lessons. And then, one day, I was feeling frustrated, stressed, and I just up and quit - and now I'm feeling like a total scumbag for doing that. I've tried to tell myself that my priorities have changed,that it wasn't important to me. But, I was lying to myself. Just like I lied to myself all those years that I wasn't gay. I guess I've just gotten tired of lying to myself all the time.

So, what am I doing about it? Back when I was taking piano lessons, I had a favorite music book by David Lanz. Unfortunately, my son loaned it to a friend before his mission - and now that book is gone. So, I got on Amazon and ordered a new one which just arrived last week. And I've started re-learning the songs I used to enjoy playing from that book. Unfortunately, I had all of the fingering written in my old book; so, I'm having to figure out fingering which isn't that easy (my piano teacher used to help with with that). Who knows, maybe I'll even resume my piano lessons one day. And maybe, just maybe, I might even one day play the organ in Sacrament meeting.

So, that it! A very long winded way and convoluted way of saying I've started practicing the piano again. But, if I just said that, it wouldn't have been nearly as interesting :)