The more things change, the more they remain the same

From the 1950's (full story here)

Batman and Robin, are "a wish dream of two homosexuals living together." They lived in "sumptuous quarters," unencumbered by wives and girlfriends, with only an aged butler for company. They cared for each other's injuries, frequently shared quarters, and lounged together in dressing gowns. Worse still, both exhibited damning psychological characteristics: proclivities for costumes, dressing up, and fantasy play; secretive behavior and double-lives; little interest in women; and, most damning of all, neurotic compulsions resulting in their violent vigilantism. Indeed, depictions of Batman and Robin are frequently homoerotic, visually emphasizing Batman's rippling physique and Robins splayed, bare thighs.

"Only someone ignorant of the fundamentals of psychiatry and psychopathology of sex can fail to realize the subtle atmosphere of homoeroticism which pervades the adventures. The Batman type of story may stimulate children to homosexual fantasies."
- Dr Fredric Wertham, psychiatrist and author of "Seduction of the Innocent" (1954)

Today (full story here)

The insidious alliance between some school administrations and homosexual activists has been hidden from parents for far too long. Recent events in Lexington, Massachusetts and similar instances across the country demonstrate the next phase in the campaign to normalize homosexual behavior - the capturing of America's youth. American families need to know about the homosexual indoctrination being forced upon young impressionable minds.
- Tony Perkins of the Family Research Council

Should we tell them that some of us actually have children of our own - and that we serve as leaders in church and youth organizations - even in the Boy Scouts [GASP!]

Discombobulated

I've been feeling out of sorts lately. My life just seems so meaningless. I get up, I go to work, after work I work out in my garden, then I go to bed just to repeat the cycle again. And, why do I even bother working in my garden? I don't have any friends, so its not like anybody is going to see it.

I'm also feeling apathetic. My wife suggested that, perhaps, we should look into joining a dulcimer group. We tried once before, but our kids were younger and it just wasn't practical at that point in our lives. But, now I'm just "whatever" - I haven't even played my hammer dulcimer in months - and I have no motivation to do so.

Maybe I'm depressed - oh wait, I already knew that - that's what my antidepressants are for.

I sometimes wonder if I think about being gay too much. But, how can I not think about it when I have these feelings inside of me? However I can't act on those feelings because to do so requires me to betray those who are closest to me - which I won't do (at least, I hope I never do). Intellectually I keep telling myself that gay intimacy is wrong - so why it doesn't feel wrong? Am I destined to be forever sexually frustrated?

Maybe I should just stop taking my cholesterol and blood pressure meds and start living on a diet of donuts and bacon cheeseburgers - just see where it takes me. I'm not being suicidal, I don't want to kill myself - I'm just not caring much whether I live or die.

I noticed blogger added a feature where you can schedule a blog post to publish in the future. I was thinking that, maybe, I should write a farewell post and schedule it 6 months into the future. As long as I keep blogging I could keep moving the date out. But if I ever decide to ... you know ... check out ... then eventually every one will know - all 5 of you. This could be my epitaph

Here lies Abelard
He was a social retard

I guess what it all comes down to is I'm feeling sorry for myself and wallowing in self pity.

A group from the Gay Christian Network are getting together on Saturday in Dallas for dinner and a movie. I kinda want to go - but I'm scared at the same time. What if they don't like me? What if I'm the oldest guy there? Me and a bunch of 20-somethings would be awkward - for everyone. What if my wife is upset about me going to see WALL-E without her? Plus - it would require me to break up my pity party.

Isolation

I need a friend

There is a documentary that plays periodically on Logo TV titled Camp Out which is about a summer camp for gay Christian teenagers. I first watched it last year; but, I took the opportunity to watch it again recently. There are two things which stuck with me when I watched it again:

• One was where they were interviewing a 16 year old girl. She said that she, and all of the other homosexuals she knows at school, are still virgins, but a lot of the straight girls she knows are either pregnant or have had babies. I found this interesting in light of homosexuals usually being cast as the promiscuous and immoral ones.
  

• The other was when they were interviewing a couple of the teenage boys. They spoke of how they have much better relationships with girls than they do with the boys in school. many of whom tease them, call them "faggot", "queer", etc. So, it was difficult for them to relate with other the boys at the camp because they had never learned how to relate with boys.
  

I've been pondering this because I think I have the same problem - I've never really learned how to relate with other guys. I too was taunted and teased. I was the fat kid who was always picked last for the team. I was the "queer" and "faggot". I was the kid who just never fit in. Growing up, I never had many friends in school. I can't say that I got along better with girls because, truth is, I was extremely nervous around girls. I mean to the point that I would sometimes start stuttering (and I don't stutter).

Now, as I've grown into adulthood, my interpersonal relationships have improved somewhat over what they were in high school; but, as I examine my life, I realize that I live in my wifes shadow. My friends are the husbands of her friends. I don't really have any friends of my own; we get together as couples. I don't know anybody that I would just get together with and go do something together. Other guys get together for a round of golf, play basketball, watch football, or some other male bonding activity. I sit at home alone in my pathetic life writing in my blog.

I am extremely suspicious of reparative therapy and the ex-gay movement. But, there is one thing that intrigues me. As I understand it, one thing they teach is how to establish deep interpersonal relationships with members of your own gender. Maybe this is the void I feel, what is lacking in my life. I don't have male friends because I don't know how to have male friends. Growing up I was always the butt of jokes; so, I've always pulled back, never willing to fully give of myself.

Now, to be fair, I have found friends in the queerosphere. But, these are cyber friendships where our only interaction is blogs, email, and an occasional telephone conversation. As much as I value these friendships - I still yearn for a real flesh and blood friend. I've never met my cyber friends in person, and in all likelihood, I never will. I'm not trying to replace my cyber friends, I cherish the relationships we've built - it's just that it's not enough, I need more! I love receiving emails or talking on the phone; but, once I reach the end of the email or I hang up the phone, the emptiness returns. Would it be any different with a real flesh and blood friend? I want to believe it would be - but perhaps I'm only fooling myself, hanging on to a fairy tale dream.

But, what is it that I want in a friendship? This is where my mind goes blank. I really don't know what I want, I just know that what I have isn't enough.

What about my wife? Yes, she is my friend - in fact, she is my best friend, which is as it should be. But, she's also a girl. Sometimes a girl needs to be around other girls doing girl stuff. And, sometimes, a guy just needs to be around other guys doing guy stuff. Therein lies the problem - I don't like doing straight guy stuff - I want to get together with a bunch of guys and do gay guy stuff. I don't want to go golfing or watch a BYU football game, I want to go shopping. I want to go see a movie together. I want to cook a fabulous meal together. I want to paint each others toe nails - OK, just kidding on that last one.

Last week I was in a stake singles adult meeting as the bishopric member over single adults (the over 30 crowd). They were going around the room asking what we were doing in our wards to reach out to the single adults. I told them that, in our ward, we don't do much explicitly the single adults; but, we do make a point to include them in all of our regular ward activities. I pointed out that our relief society has a great deal of success involving the single sisters in their enrichment activities. The priesthood has more limited success involving single men in their weekly basketball. We've even had some of the single brethren bringing desserts and other dishes to to ward potlucks. I then added that, perhaps, the brethren should be more like the sisters and have more activities specifically for the brethren in which we could involve both married and single men. Not as frequently as the sisters, but perhaps monthly or quarterly. Somebody then mumbled something about how, in their ward, they had unsuccessfully tried to organize a Saturday bike ride for the brethren. So I responded that, perhaps, we need to think beyond sports. I even suggested an idea, like getting together for an outdoor BBQ and sharing grilling recipes. The way everybody looked at me you would have thought I had a big booger on the end of my nose. After several moments of awkward silence, the counselor in the stake presidency who was presiding over the meeting said "well, um, thank you for your comments - any other ideas?"

But, why not? Why can't we have more activities for the men in the church? We are the forgotten people in the church. We have activities for primary aged children (3-12), young men and young women (12-18), single adults (young and over 30) and the sisters. But for the men, especially married men, there is nothing. Even for the single men, the activities are usually not for them to bond with the other men - but are intended to put them in contact with single women in hopes of marrying them off. Now, I'm sure there are wards which do a better job at this; but, they are the exception and not the rule.

So, since I can't count on the church to help me bond with other men, how can how can I develop a close interpersonal relationship with other guys? How can I fill this void in my life?

Of course, since most of my blog readers are gay males, we may be the blind leading the blind...

The republican party - it's not just for straight people

I suppose it's rather obvious, from my last post, that I'm a staunch republican. Heck, I still like George W. Bush Jr.

I'm on the Log Cabin Republicans email list and recently received a link to an interesting article on Advocate.com about How the GOP helped bring gay marriage to California.

So, yes Virgina, there are gay republicans.

I'm voting Democrat

There is a video making its way around the blogosphere titled "I'm voting Republican"



Well, I'm voting democrat because ...

• Democrats are so generous - with other people's money.
  
• I want to pay higher taxes.
• Churches should start paying taxes too - all of the needy people who depend on their help will understand.
  
• I want leaders who tell me the things I like to hear rather than what I need to hear.
  
• It's not fair that we have superior health care available to us - our health care system should be mediocre.
  
• The terrorists are right - the US is the great Satan and we should just leave everyone else alone.
  
• I think we should immediately pull out of Afghanistan and Iraq - after all, the terrorists have just as much right to setup camp there as we do.
• Iran and North Korea have just as much right to develop nuclear weapons as we do.
• Israel is just a bunch of trouble makers in the middle east - they should be wiped off the face of the earth.
• $4.00 a gallon for gas is way too cheap. We should be paying, at least, $10 or more
• It's far more important for us to have a young, good looking, charasmatic, yet clueless leader than to have an old geezer leader who has some knowledge of world affairs.
• It's important for us to know whether our president wears boxers or briefs.
• It's OK to lie, even under oath, if it's only about sex.
• It's much more important for us to preserve some ugly slimy toad than our unborn children.
• It's not right for us to inflict religion on our citizens by having "Under God" imprinted on our currency.
• Reciting the pledge of allegiance is an outdated practice that should be eliminated.
  

My Fourth of July

Mine started with me enjoying sleeping in a bit - but then my wife rolled over and asked me if we were going to the pancake breakfast. It was 7:10am and the breakfast started at 8:00am. So, I got up out of bed, showered, and we made it to church on time for the breakfast. My ward has a long standing tradition of a pancake breakfast followed by a flag raising ceremony , by our boy scouts, on the Fourth of July. For those who no longer attend church regularly, we no longer have kitchens in our LDS chapels, we have Serving Areas. And, we no longer cook food, we warm food. So, we warmed the pancake batter.

After the breakfast, we stayed after and helped clean up. Then we went home where I worked out in the yard for a bit - until it was just too dang hot to work outdoors anymore. By that time, my son and his family arrived. So, I played with the twin grandbabies (although, they are nearly 2 years old, so I guess they really aren't babies any more).

About 3:00pm, I fired up the grill outside and started cooking ribs (which I had prepared the night before with a dry rub). While the ribs were cooking, some friends of ours, whom we invited, arrived. So, we finished preparing dinner, enjoyed ribs, plus a lot of other food, and then just sat around, talked, and enjoyed one anothers company.

About 8:00pm, the grandkids were getting tired and cranky, so my son and his wife packed up the kids and headed home to put them to bed. We invited our friends to stay longer and play games.

This is where it got really fun ...

My wife asked me for a Dr. Pepper. So, I went out and was bringing a 12-pack of Dr. Pepper into the house. Unfortunately, I dropped it, the box hit the corner of the table and burst open, and cans of Dr. Pepper came crashing down onto the tile floor. All in all, half the cans in the box burst open and were spraying Dr. Pepper all over the kitchen, all over our guests, and all over me. We all started laughing. The kitchen door was still open, so I was grabbing cans and hurling them outside. Once we got the flow of Dr. Pepper stopped, it came time for cleanup. We all pitched in, still laughing, and did a quick wipe down of the pools of Dr. Pepper on the kitchen floor. After wards, we asked if they still wanted to play a game, and they said Yes. So, we sat down at the kitchen table, on the sticky floor, and played Five Crowns. It was nearly 11:00pm by the time they left. My wife went to bed, but I had to jump in the shower to rinse off because I was still sticky from being soaked in Dr. Pepper.

So, that's how my Fourth of July went. How was yours?

Welcome to the queerosphere

Try googling 'queerosphere' - other than a few hits on obscure websites, it's mostly blogs that show up in my list of family blogs on the right. It seems that we're just about the only ones who have adopted the 'queerosphere' moniker. Am I the only one who is a bit surprised by this?

So, henceforth, I propose we drop the 'mormon' qualifier and just refer to ourselves as the 'queerosphere' - distinct from the bloggernacle (where all of the other LDS bloggers hang out) in that we are far more fabulous!

and way more interesting ...

Blog roll

Almost since the inception of my blog, I've kept a list of other blogs which I've continually updated (See "Meet the family" on the right). My criteria is simple, if you have a blog, are attracted to those of your same gender (however you choose to refer to yourself), and either are, or have been, LDS then you're part of my family :) I have another list of "extended family members" who come from other faiths. And, I have a list of "friends of the family" which are blogs by straight people who are openly supportive of gay people.

There have been a few 'family' blogs I've come across which I've opted to not include because I considered them be overly critical of the LDS church. I think there are some legitimate criticisms which deserve discussion (many of which I've addressed on my blog); but, some people go overboard and fail to acknowledge anything good about the LDS church. Basically, if I recognize you as family then I view you as a person of integrity - and, although you may no longer be associated with the LDS church, and may even have strong disagreement with it in certain areas, I feel that you are respectful for those of us who choose to remain faithful and active.

Over time my list of family has grown quite large - at last count there are 148 blogs in the list. Although, not all of these are active and, in fact, some no longer exist. Early on I decided to keep deleted blogs in my list with the notation "(RIP)" - after all, they are family and, at some point in their life they reached out to the rest of the family. For whatever reason they have decided to leave the Mormon queerosphere; but, I don't want to forget about them and I hope for the best as they move on with their life. A blog is designated with "(RIP)" if the blog has been deleted entirely, or if blog url still exists but the author has deleted all of the posts.

As I come across new blogs I notate them with "(New ...)"; although, they only keep this designation for a month or so.

Some blogs are no longer actively updated which I notate with an "(R)" for retired. Over time my definition of 'retired' has evolved. Initially I only designated a blog as retired if the blogger had specifically indicated that they were going to quit blogging in their final post. My current definition is if you haven't posted a blog entry in 2008 then your blog is 'retired'. A few retired blogs have miraculously sprung back to life after a long hiatus - and I have removed the "(R)" notation accordingly.

A few blogs used to be public, but for whatever reason the author has decided to make them private. Note, if you have a blog which has always been private then I don't include it in my list - I only include those which were public at some point, but I will remove them if requested.

And, I've have had one blogger request that his blog be removed from my list. Although he is part of 'the family', he does not discuss that aspect of his life on his blog, which is read by his real family and friends. And, no, I'm not going to reveal who it is.

Most blogs keep the same name as they were initially created - but a few blogs have changed names over time. And a couple of blogs have presented a real challenge keeping up with the name changes - you know who you are :)

So, where do I stand right now at this point in time? There are 148 family blogs which breaks down as follows:

• 3 blogs have been added in the last month
  
• 87 blogs which have been updated in 2008
• 32 blogs are retired (not updated in 2008)
  
• 21 have been deleted
• 5 were public and have switched to private

Additionally, I've started including "video blogs" which are links to YouTube users who have vlogs. At present, there are 6 video blogs, although, one of them (MorMenLikeMe) has multiple users contributing to it.

I don't really know what the point of this blog post is. So, I'm going to stop typing now.

Pushing the gay agenda

Maybe this is old news for everyone else; but, I just became aware of a TV advertisement that played in the UK for Heinz deli mayonnaise which caused quite an uproar and was pulled a week later.

The ad opens with a family on a normal morning routine with a young boy and girl getting ready for school and their father preparing for the office. The young boy and girl go to the kitchen to get their sandwiches, which are being prepared by a man with a New York accent, dressed in a deli serving outfit, who they refer to as "mum". When their father goes to get his sandwich he says to mum in the kitchen: "See you tonight love." However, mum barks back "Hey, ain't you forgetting something?", at which point the two men share a kiss. Mum then sends the father off with the words: "Love you. Straight home from work, sweet cheeks."

The ad agency which produced the TV spot said

... the concept behind the campaign is that the product tastes so good, "It's as if you have your own New York deli man in your kitchen."

So, what do you think (survey on right)? Was this innocent ad that was, perhaps, misguided and misunderstood? Or was it a blatant attempt to push the homosexual agenda?



Interestingly, the TV ad carried an "ex-kids" restriction by the UK's Advertising Standards Authority (ASA), meaning it cannot be shown in or around children's programming, because ... [wait for it] ... Heinz Deli Mayo falls foul of TV ad restrictions relating to products that are high in fat, salt and sugar.

UPDATE: Here are the results from the survey

Unfortunate

LDS Church officials urge California members to support marriage amendment

We ask that you do all you can to support the proposed constitutional amendment by donating of your means and time to assure that marriage is legally defined as being between a man and a woman.

Juneteenth

Today, June 19th, 2008, commemorates this day, back in 1895, when Union General Gordon Granger and 2,000 federal troops, arrived on Galveston Island to take possession of the Texas and enforce the emancipation of its slaves.

The people of Texas are informed that, in accordance with a proclamation from the Executive of the United States, all slaves are free. This involves an absolute equality of personal rights and rights of property between former masters and slaves, and the connection heretofore existing between them becomes that between employer and hired labor. The freedmen are advised to remain quietly at their present homes and work for wages. They are informed that they will not be allowed to collect at military posts and that they will not be supported in idleness either there or elsewhere.

Juneteenth is an official state holiday in Texas and is traditionally celebrated with parades and picnics feasting on barbecue, cakes, and pies served potluck style.

Those familiar with history will notice that this was nearly three years after President Abraham Lincoln signed the Emancipation Proclamation (September 22, 1862). In Texas, we may be a bit slow sometimes; but, eventually we do right. May this tradition continue so that, eventually, we'll do right for people today being denied basic privileges.

A question

The people who write recipes for newspapers, do they actually cook them and eat them? This morning our newspaper has a recipe for "Grapefruit-Mint Shrimp" - Ewww!!!

Gay pride

Apparently, June is Gay Pride month. Why doesn't anybody tell me these things?

No, I'm not getting my thong out to wear at the next gay Pride parade - although, if I did, I might cause many homosexuals to rethink heterosexualism :)

We may or may not agree with how others celebrate gay rights; but, the simple fact of the matter is, all of us here in the Mormon queerosphere owe a certain debt of gratitude to the brave souls who have risked incarceration, violence, even death, in the fight to be recognized as legitimate - to be granted a basic human right - the right to exist.

All of us benefit from events such as the Stonewall riots of 1969. Imagine being a homosexual in a climate as existed back in the 1950's or 1960's. How many of us would risk having a blog if the mere admission that we are attracted to those of our same gender would brand us as sick perverts? Imagine being subjected to aversion or shock therapy in an attempt to be turned into a heterosexual.

While the gay community has reason to celebrate, their methods of doing so are often self defeating and tend to bolster negative stereotypes - IMOHO. Society views gay culture as one of drugs, promiscuous sex, limp wrists, effeminate behavior, marching in thongs, etc.. It's small wonder that many in society are repulsed by gay culture if that is how they view it.

In order to gain greater acceptance, society needs to see more gay people who are like everyone else in every way - except they happen to have an affinity towards members of their own gender. They need to see people who are in their work place, standing in line with them at the ATM, worshiping with them at church. In short, they need to see more people like us.

We're like Marilyn of the Munster family - the most "normal" one of whom the rest of the family is vaguely ashamed. We're part of the silent gay majority who don't cause people to cringe, to turn the other way and to cover their children's eyes when they see us. We hide in plain sight.

I'm not advocating that we should all march proudly in the next gay pride parade. I'm not suggesting we should start wearing rainbow ties to church. I am merely saying that we should not be judgmental of our gay brothers and sisters who do so.

Those damn homosexuals

Sunday morning I was in a meeting with the bishop; and, we were chatting a bit while waiting for everyone to arrive. He spoke about some new show that he had read about in the newspaper - "Swingtown" - as an example of how network television has degraded over the years. From there the conversation moved into TV shows in general. As we were ending the casual conversation to start the meeting, he finished, with a tone of utter disgust

"and these days it seems they all have to have a gay character too."

The thing is, until that last statement, I was pretty much in agreement with everything being said - we have a bazillion channels and nothing to watch. About the only thing I watch on network television these days is the local news; most of my TV time is spent with the Food Network and SciFi channel.

So, why does that closing comment bother me?

A couple of years ago, while still in deep denial, I very well could have said something similar myself. But, now that I've accepted my gayness, I am bothered by comments which besmirch fellow members of my gay family. So, I really cannot blame him for his comment - I can only pray that the Lord will forgive him for he knows not what he does.

We have a young man in our ward, who recently received his mission call, come to a ward activity dressed in shorts, knee high striped socks, and bowling shoes. When someone commented that he looked gay, he smiled and said "I can't be gay - I'm going on a mission." I wanted to correct him to say that you can, in fact, be gay and still serve a mission, you just can't act on your gay attractions. But, I didn't, I just sat there in silence, like I always do.

While we are generally not as blatantly homophobic as some other churches, it is part of our Mormon culture to diss homosexuals. But, I find myself wondering how might the saints change their tune if only they could come to know the people I've become acquainted with over the last 18 months here in the Mormon queerosphere (both those who remain active in the church as well as those who have chosen to leave the church behind). It's easy to denigrate homosexuals when they are this amorphous group of people defined by their proclivity for promiscuity and generally hedonistic lifestyle. But, once you put a face to us then you begin to realize that most of us are not like that. We are the person living in your neighborhood, the guy standing behind you in line at the grocery store, the person in the car next to yours at the traffic light, even the person sitting next to you in church. We are real people - real people with real feelings.

When I hear comments by my fellow saints disparaging homosexuals, I don't feel anger; I don't feel resentment. The emotion which best describes my feelings is sadness - I just want to look them straight in the eye and ask "do you really hate me that much?"

I am also saddened when I read comments by visiting general authorities in California saying things like "same gender marriages is one of his [satan] greatest evils." Is same sex marriage really that bad? Is it worse than abortion? More degenerate than child and spousal abuse? More evil than pornography? I'm sorry, but I just can't accept that - so I disregard such statements. What else can I do? Am I supposed to accept, at face value, statements which leave me feeling a stupor of thought? Are our leaders really so out of touch that they don't realize how many of us are sitting in church each Sunday, how many of us are attending stake conferences? Do they not know how much it hurts to hear them say such things - even for those of us who choose to not participate in that part of our gay heritage? Do they not understand how we have to constantly reaffirm to ourselves intellectually that certain things are wrong - knowing that, in our hearts, they don't feel wrong - and that hearing them say such things serves only to weaken our resolve? Or perhaps they do understand ... and losing us is merely collateral damage in the fight against evil.

So, I'm feeling a little melancholy this week. Perhaps it is exasperated by my recent expenditure of hundreds of dollars to fix the A/C in my office, or because my nearly brand new car is in the shop being fixed having been rear-ended by a driver who then fled the scene, or because it's June in Texas and it's just dang hot. But, I'm praying for my fellow saints and for my leaders, that God may touch their hearts so that they can feel a little compassion for the queers in their midst.