Burning questions

Stealing an idea from Kurt, Austin, and others - in a classic "me too" post, I decided to start my next batch of posts (after post #400) with an invitation to ask me any question that might be on your mind.

• ask as yourself
• ask anonymously
• ask privately via email

My answers will only include the question, not the identity of the questionee.

I'll even go out on a limb and say that no topic is off limits. I promise to be brutally honest in my answers.

I suppose I ought to have a deadline - let's say August 31st. But, I will answer questions as they arrive.

Post #400

This is it - my 400th blog post. That's a lot of blathering and bloviating.

I wonder, is there anybody out there who has read all 400 posts? Well, first off, you deserve some sort of endurance reward, second, you probably need to get a life, and third - what changes have you noticed in me since post #1?

I don't remember the exact date; but, 3 years ago, just about this time of year, I finally sat myself down and said "self - accept it, you're gay."

For as far back as I can remember I knew that I was different from other boys. Although, it wasn't until my junior year in high school when I first dared to think I might be gay. We didn't have the internet or gay hot lines back then. I remember searching the phone book for someone I might be able to call. I had no where to turn and became very depressed. Thoughts of suicide started entering my mind. My parents were perceptive enough to know that something was going on with me. They were afraid to leave me alone. I'm the youngest of 6 children and was the only one left at home. They tried to make sure that one of them was home before I left for school in the morning and once I came back home in the afternoon. When one of them couldn't be there then they would call me on the phone. Fortunately, I don't really know how, but after a few months I was able to pull myself out of my depression - enough to be functional and for my parents to not worry about me so much.

I just couldn't bear the thought that I might be a homosexual. I had been taught all my life that homosexuals were perverts who hung out in restrooms waiting to molest young boys. I wasn't like that - so obviously I couldn't be one.

College came, I joined the LDS church, served a 2 year mission, and got married in the temple. I felt that I had done all that God had asked of me and I sincerely believed he had healed me. That feeling lasted less than two years. After marriage I got back into college. It was in a college P.E. locker room, being around all of those naked guys, that the realization forcefully came to me that I was, in fact, not healed.

So, I've known that I'm attracted to guys for a very long time - but I wasn't gay! I refused to accept myself as a gay man. This was my cross to bear, the thorn in my side, my test for this earth life - a dirty secret I was prepared to take with me to my grave.

I don't actually know what precipitated me accepting finally myself as gay. I remember I was having a really hard time - I was feeling depressed. Although I've been taking antidepressants for over 10 years, thoughts of suicide were once again entering into my mind.

But, when I finally let myself be gay - it was as if a tremendous burden had been lifted from me. Although I hadn't told her yet - I remember my wife commenting that I seemed happier than she had seen me in a long time.

After that, I spent hours on the internet - looking for someone else like me. Someone who was gay, Mormon, married, and trying to stay active in the LDS church. Initially it was very discouraging - but, I finally found the mormon queerosphere and others like myself. I also got to know many others who had chosen a different path, but were respectful of the path I was on. At last, I had found my long lost family that I never knew I had.

A couple of months later I started this blog. A month after that I told my wife. And the rest, as they say . . . is history.

So here's to 3 years of gay acceptance, 400 blog posts, and who knows how many blog readers who've put up with all of my angst, self doubt, and occasional childish behavior over the years.

I don't know what the years ahead hold for me. I can never go back to being in denial about being gay. I'm still married and intend to stay that way. I'm still a Mormon and active in the LDS church - although, to be brutally honest, staying that way no longer seems as certain as it once did 3 years ago. I'm still deeply closeted - but that will certainly not remain as the status quo - it's a matter of 'when', not 'if' I step out of my closet and into the light. That's not to say I'm planning on getting a boyfriend, parading around in a rainbow shirt, or anything like that. I'm just reaching a point where I am no longer ashamed of being gay - and my closet is becoming stuffy and unnecessary. I just want to be able to be myself and not worry what others think about me. I want to be able to talk about my gay friends with my non-gay friends. I want to be able to invite my gay friends into my home to meet my family. I want my family, friends, and acquaintances to know a gay man who does meet their stereotypical image - and to, hopefully, realize that much of what they thought they knew about gays is probably wrong.

Victims

In our modern society, it's popular to play the victim when we feel we've been wronged - not only for individuals, but also for organizations. The LDS church PR department has certainly been doing this in the aftermath of proposition 8. But, I think some in the gay mormon community may be just as guilty - myself included.

I know it doesn't come across very well in this blog - but I love the Mormon church, I really do. I was not raised in the church, I joined in college. So, I know what it's like not having the church in my life. And, I sincerely believe that because of the LDS church, I am a much better man than I otherwise would have been had I not made that decision to join the church (more years ago than I care to remember).

That said, there are things about the LDS church that bother me - things where I feel I have legitimate concerns and complaints. And, it's not just all things gay - I've never considered the church or its leaders to be infallible. And, truth is, even its leaders don't claim infallibility - it's the membership that puts them on that pedestal, especially with controversial issues like homosexuality. I think, for some members, they just cannot fathom that the church might be wrong on something so serious as homosexuality - their whole foundation might crumble if they thought, just for a moment, that the church may have made some mistakes.

So, my question: How can I address these concerns and complaints without coming across as a victim - without playing the victim card? I don't feel I've done a very good job of this. Playing the victim is just so easy.

I'm sure there are some who are legitimate victims; but, the truth is, I am not a victim. I've never actually talked to a church leader about my same sex attraction; so, I've never had one tell me that I could overcome my homosexuality. I've had church leaders say hurtful things to me - but not about anything homosexuality related. I've heard members say hurtful things about homosexuals - but those comments were not directed at me personally.

I do feel less connected to my ward membership than I once was. I do feel there is a divide forming between me and the church - but does that make me a victim? Does that make me right and the church wrong? Or do we simply have differing views in certain matters?

The problem with being a victim is that it empowers the oppressor. As a victim, I am admitting that someone (or some institution) has the power to hurt me and that I am powerless to do anything about it.

I don't want to be a victim - but I do believe there are wrongs that need to be righted, there are stories that need to be told. Change does not come from sweeping things under the rug. All that gives you is lumpy rugs.

And, in the LDS church specifically, change is not going to come from the outside. It will only come from within. The restoration didn't begin until Joseph Smith asked a question. I just don't think our current church leaders are asking the right questions about homosexuality.

Topical Guide

Somewhere out there is a young man, struggling to make sense of these feelings he has ... for boys.

He opens his scriptures - because that is what we teach young people to do. He turns to the Topical Guide - because that is where we teach young people to go; and, he looks up homosexuality.

He reads about homosexuality being the sin of Sodom and Gomorrah. He reads about men lusting after men going after strange flesh. None of this is new, he's heard these things before. At the bottom it says "See also". He turns to

2 Timothy 3:3
Without natural affection, trucebreakers, false accusers, incontinent, fierce, despisers of those that are good

He then turns to

2 Peter 2:10
But chiefly them that walk after the flesh in the lust of uncleanness, and despise government. Presumptuous are they, selfwilled, they are not afraid to speak evil of dignities.

These, he concludes, must be the attributes of homosexuals.

• without natural affection
• trucebreakers
• false accusers
• incontinent
• fierce
• despisers of those that are good
• walk after the flesh in the lust of uncleanness
• despise government
• presumptuous
• selfwilled
• not afraid to speak evil of dignities.

Next he reads

2 Nephi 9:40
O, my beloved brethren, give ear to my words. Remember the greatness of the Holy One of Israel. Do not say that I have spoken hard things against you; for if ye do, ye will revile against the truth; for I have spoken the words of your Maker. I know that the words of truth are hard against all uncleanness; but the righteous fear them not, for they love the truth and are not shaken.

The words he is reading are harsh - but they must be true, it's right there in the scriptures. Homosexuals are evil, undeserving of God's love.

He falls to his knees, shaking and praying to God in heaven to take these feelings from him. A prayer he has uttered many times before. He climbs into bed, and cries himself to sleep - wondering why God is ignoring him. Is he too unclean? Is he not righteous enough?

* * *

Unknown to him, God will not heal him - because there is nothing wrong with him. A truth that Mary Griffith finally realized after her son Bobby killed himself - because he could not reconcile his religious faith and his sexual feelings. We will never hear this in church, however, because these are the truths that every Latter-Day Saint carries with them.

The problem is, none of these verses have anything to do with homosexuality. The only tie to homosexuality is in the Topical Guide. In other words, someone decided that these verses describe homosexuals - and if we consider it harsh then we're not righteous. Why else would they have included these verses in the Topical Guide under "Homosexuality" - how else can this be interpreted?

But, the bigger problem is . . . it's not truth! Are there homosexuals for whom those verses would be an accurate description? Absolutely! But, I venture to say that there are probably more heterosexuals described by those verses. The apostles of old were describing the unrighteous. Being a homosexual does not automatically make you unrighteous!

It's not my intent to disparage the brethren. Although I have some serious disagreement with their views on homosexuality - I believe that they are good righteous men who are just trying to do the right thing - their view of 'right'.

The Topical Guide has been around for a long time (around 1980, if memory serves). It reflects the general attitude that society had at the time for homosexuals. It reflects the attitude I had for homosexuals - which is why it was so difficult and took me so long to accept that I . . . am a homosexual.

Times have changed - unfortunately, the Topical Guide has not. Maybe it's time for an updated version of the Topical Guide.

Demographics

I recently put a poll up asking my blog readers how old you are. No reason really - I was just curious.

Any thoughts as to what these demographics mean?

Technology update

My cell phone was broken.  Well, more accurately, the screen was cracked.  I could still send and receive calls – but I couldn’t read the screen.  So, it was time for a phone upgrade.

I am now sporting a brand spanking new Palm Pre – Sprint’s answer to the iPhone.  Now, I’m not going to get pulled into an iPhone vs Palm Pre debate.  For all of you iPhone owners – I concede that your iPhone is awesome and that you exude awesomeness for owning one.  But, my Palm Pre is still pretty nifty groovy.  I also don’t want to get pulled into a Sprint vs ??? debate.  Sprint meets our needs, gets good coverage where we live, and most of our family and friends are on it.

Now, is it just me – or is that Palm Pre spokes lady in the TV commercials kinda creepy?

In other news, a week or so ago I posted about my computer crashing.  Well, I ordered a new motherboard, CPU, and memory from newegg.com which arrived Tuesday.  I’ve spent the last couple of days putting it all together and reloading the O/S and applications.

My rule of thumb is to not upgrade my computer unless I can, at least, double the computing power.  With that, I offer

	Old	New
CPU	AMD Athlon 64 X2	AMD Phenom II X4
CPU cores	2	4
CPU speed	1.66 GHz	3.0 Ghz
Memory	4 Gig DDR	8 Gig DDR2
Memory speed	400 Mhz	1066 Mhz
Boot drive	80 Gig PATA	64 Gig Solid State
Data drives	2 x 300 Gig SATA	2 x 300 Gig SATA
O/S	Windows Vista 32-bit	Windows 7 RC 64-bit

I could have gone with DDR3 memory; but, that would have required a AM3 socket motherboard and CPU – which all costs more and would have added about $150 to the price.  I could also setup the two 300 Gig drives in a RAID array … well, let’s just say I have my reasons for not doing that.

So, it’s not the fastest available – but it’s still pretty sweet.  Once it completes the bios post, windows boots in about 5 seconds.  Once I enter my password I’m ready to go in less than 10 seconds.  Truthfully, I was hoping for even faster – but I’ll take whatever performance boost I can get.  No noticeable difference in web browsing, word processing, etc – other than the apps load faster; but, my image editing software (Nikon Capture NX2 and PhotoShop Elements 7) is much more responsive. 

Now what to do with the old motherboard.  I’ve amassed quite a collection of motherboards and other old computer parts.  I know Best Buy will take old computers (for $10, but they give you a $10 gift card); but, I don’t know if they’ll take old computer parts.  And, we’re not supposed to put that sort of junk in our trash

Being straight

I've started watching a new TV show on BBC America called Being Human. It's about a ghost, a vampire, and a werewolf living together - trying to live as humans.

Anna: "Is this it? If nothing changes, will I just stay like this, here - but not here, forever?"
-- @2:54 in the following clip

Tully: This is how it happens, it's all sliding into place. Click - click - click. You can feel it too, can't you? The fire in your gut; the expectation; the hunger!"
George: It frightens me.
Tully: Then give into it, drown in it. Let him in, the big bad wolf."
-- @ 5:00 in the following clip

Tully: "It's a complex thing, a glorious thing!."
George: "This isn't a glorious thing; it's a curse. This isn't a gift; it's god stomping on us with his boots."
-- @6:37 in the following clip

Tully: "Don't leave me George, I can't be alone any longer."
-- Tully @7:45 in the following clip

That pretty much sums up the conflicted feelings I have. Is this my TV show - the one that I live in every day?

Being Straight - about a schizophrenic queer trying to live as a heterosexual.


A word of warning: It gets a bit racy during the last 15 seconds of this clip. What we see on BBC America is an edited version of what they get in the UK.

Cross roads

Today, our sacrament meeting theme was learning from the past. The speakers were a youth and a young couple recently moved into the ward. Overall the talks were very good as they spoke of things they learned from their parents, lessons we learn from the scriptures, etc.

But then the concluding speaker brought up Sodom and Gomorrah. He made reference to proposition 8 in California and how we've been criticized for standing up for right - that all we are doing is to learning from the past and trying to keep our communities from turning into Sodom and Gomorrah.

I don't really remember much of what was said after that. The question kept turning over in my mind "how does gay marriage turn our communities into Sodom and Gomorrah?" Isn't it just the opposite? By telling the gay community that their love doesn't count - aren't we, in effect, encouraging them to engage in debauchery - because it really doesn't matter who they have sex with. Doesn't gay marriage move our communities closer to the family values we claim to hold in high esteem?

At the conclusion of sacrament meeting, I exchanged greetings with a couple of ward members. I paused in the lobby waiting to speak to a member of the bishopric on a matter of business related to my calling. As I stood their waiting as he was speaking with another couple, the feeling washed over me that I just didn't want to be there anymore. I felt totally alone, while standing in a crowded room. So, I turned and quietly walked out into the parking lot, climbed into my car, and drove home, skipping sunday school and priesthood meetings.

After arriving home, I changed my clothes and then went upstairs. I went to my home office and pulled a DVD out of the drawer of my desk. It is a DVD I had recently purchased on amazon, but hadn't have a chance to watch, titled Through My Eyes - a documentary produced by the Gay Christian Network. It's nothing fancy, a series of interviews of young gay christians in their teens and twenties talking about what it's like being gay and christian. Some were rejected by their churches, some even by their own families. But through it all - knowing that they are gay and will be for the rest of their lives - they choose to walk with God.



Why can't I have the same level of faith as the young people on the DVD?

I have a bit of a predicament - my temple recommend expires the end of this month; and, frankly, I don't know what I should do. I'm not going to go into a temple recommend interview and lie. I support my church leaders ... on most things. But, I cannot support their actions related to the gay community. However, I really don't want to get into this discussion with my local church leaders. For them to truly understand my feelings and why I have difficulty supporting church leaders on gay issues would require me to reveal my same gender attraction - something I'm not ready to do just yet.

The problem is . . . my calling is one where an active temple recommend is required. So, if I don't go talk to my bishop, am I being an unfaithful hypocrite? If I simply ignore it, I'll likely find myself being invited to go see the bishop to explain why I let it lapse.

Sometimes, it seems so much easier to just quietly stop going to church altogether.

I am at a cross roads where all of the paths before me suck.

Things that make you go huh?

During the last 24 hours, people have found my blog by searching on

shirtless guys
eunuchs in the bible
mormon girl stripping
matthew shephard mormon
gay eunuch
bobby griffith mormon

Let me be perfectly clear - I have never blogged about, nor even thought about, mormon girls stripping. The others - well maybe I'm guilty as charged. But mormon girls stripping? In a gay blog?

Ewwww!!!!

Was it worth it?

Correct me if I'm wrong; but, prior to proposition 8 in California, it seems the LDS church was largely ignored by the global gay community. Sure there were some gay activists in Utah (many of whom were former members) who were critical of the church; but, outside of Utah you just didn't see much mention of the LDS church in the gay press.

I think this was due, in part, because of the church's position on homosexuality separating attraction from behavior. While no one would probably admit it, I think there was a cautious respect for the LDS church within the global gay community. While there was certainly disagreement with the policies of the church, there was also a sense that the church had some level of compassion towards its gay members - something not seen in many other religions.

For example, back in 2007 I posted a link to an Ensign article titled Helping Those Who Struggle with Same-Gender Attraction to the Gay Christian Network which garnered comments such as

• I'm thrilled at the growing numbers of sensible voices and outreached arms heard, seen, and felt in our mainstream churches. Thanks so much for this encouraging thread!
  

• Wow....amazing stuff. If you had told me even ten years ago I'd be reading something like this from the LDS church I wouldn't have believed you. Amazing - thanks for sharing this!

Now in this post proposition 8 era, the LDS church has become public enemy #1 in the global gay community. Is it deserved? I don't know. But I can certainly understand the anger the gay community has towards the LDS church.

Many in the church claim innocence with comments such as "Mormon's represent less than 3% of the California population" and "more Catholics (or blacks, or whatever) voted for proposition 8 than Mormons". But, they are ignoring the fact that Mormon's pumped in at least 50%, and possibly up to 75%, of the campaign donations towards proposition 8 - not to mention countless volunteer hours going door to door, distributing yard signs, etc. Given the very slim margin that proposition 8 passed with, it's not hard to imagine that it would have have been defeated without the involvement of the LDS church.

But, all of that is water under the bridge. My question now is: Was it worth it?

The LDS church claims it was standing up for morality and preservation of the family. But, at best, all it did was gain a 2 year, maybe 4 year, reprieve. It's only a matter of time before gay marriage becomes legal in California, as well as many other states. So we invested all of that time and money and what did we really gain? And at what cost?

• Protests at temples in Utah and across the nation
• Members, both gay and straight, leaving the church
• Some suggesting that missionary work is down
• Shaken faith for some of us who have chosen to stay in the church
  

If the church had stayed out of the California political battle, would the Main Street plaza incident have generated so much negative press? Would we have kiss-in's being staged at temples? We'll never now for sure - but I doubt it. I think there would be some initial anger, but it would have flashed and fizzled out.

Make no mistake, the next time gay marriage comes to a vote in California, the gay community will not get caught with their pants down (no pun intended). Before the LDS church got involved, the No on 8 campaign was leading by, I believe, 20 points; and, there was little doubt that proposition 8 would be defeated. By the time people started to notice that the Mormon's might just turn it around, efforts to counter the Yes on 8 momentum was too little and too late. But, they will not be caught again. Even now strategies are being developed to counter any arguments that can be made by the gay marriage opponents.

Becoming involved in this political battle has come with a price. Whatever modicum of respect we may have had in the global gay community is forever lost. Everything the LDS church says and does is carefully scrutinized and being cast in as negative light as possible. Anger against the LDS church has become a uniting force in the gay community. The next time the LDS church chooses to do battle against the gay community - they may find themselves up against a foe the likes of which they've never encountered.

So, again I ask, regardless of your personal views on gay marriage, was it worth it?

What about the “T” in GLBT?

In the Mormon queerosphere, there is a lot of “G”, a little “L”, perhaps a sprinkling of “B”, but virtually no “T” - at least none who make their presence known (that I'm aware of).

I'll be the first to admit that I don't understand what it would be like to be transgendered. Is this the 'gender confused' that we sometimes hear about at church? But, being part of a subculture myself - I am, perhaps, a bit more tolerant towards those who do not fit the 'molly mormon' / 'peter priesthood' image in our Mormon culture.

In one sense, the transgendered saints are even more marginalized than the gay saints are - often being lumped together with the gay saints in discussions.

On the other hand, the church actually does have very specific policies towards transgendered people. It is possible for a person who has undergone elective surgery to change their gender to remain a member of the church. A non member who has undergone such surgery can even be baptized. However, such a person cannot be ordained to the priesthood, nor can they attend the temple - transgendered saints are essentially in the same position that blacks were prior to 1978. Contrast that with practicing homosexuals who are excommunicated - or 'cut off from the people' to use a scriptural term.

o
o
o

Wait a minute, this is all starting to have a familiar ring to it.

o
o
o

When Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, President of Iran, said in his speach on September 24, 2007 at Columbia University that "In Iran, we don't have homosexuals, like in your country", there were several news stories that followed about the gay underground in Iran. The sin of homosexuality carries a death sentence in Iran forcing Iranian homosexuals to hide their sexual orientation. Interestingly, transsexuals are more tolerated in Iran. The state will even subsidize gender change surgery and help fund continuing hormone treatments. Iran carries out more gender change operations than any other country in the world besides Thailand. Sex changes have been legal since the late Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini, spiritual leader of the 1979 Islamic revolution passed a fatwa authorizing them nearly 25 years ago. While homosexuality is considered a sin, transsexuality is categorized as an illness subject to cure. To be fair, such individuals are lower class citizens in Iranian society; but, they do not live under the constant fear of a death sentence as their gay counterparts do.

o
o
o

I'm not sure where I'm going with this. I just find it interesting the parallels between Iranian culture and Mormon culture. In Iran, homosexuals are threatened with physical death. In Mormondom, homosexuals are threatened with spiritual death. In Iran, transexuals are allowed in Iranian society, albeit as lower class citizens. In Mormondom, transexuals are allowed in the church, albeit significantly curtailed in their participation.

Here is a YouTube vlog from someone who grew up LDS

Thank God for friends and family

I guess it's obvious that I was feeling pretty down with my last post.

Well, this afternoon I got a call, out of the blue, from a friend - someone I haven't seen in several months. He asked if I was doing anything for dinner (my wife is in California visiting with our daughter and her family; although, I have my son and his wife with me). I told him that we did have something we were planning to have for dinner -but we hadn't started cooking it yet. He replied "well don't, I'm bringing dinner over, we'll BBQ something." Stunned, I asked if there was anything I could do. He replied "No, don't worry about it, I'll take care of everything."

At 5:30pm he arrives and walked into our house with his arms loaded with bags of food. Then he went back out to his car and brought in a huge ice chest. He also brought his son and daughter who are about the same ages as my children. And then he went about preparing dinner. I was trying to help as much as I could. I was sitting at the kitchen table chopping vegetables when I noticed someone was coming in our front door. And then I saw my 3 year old granddaughter come walking into the kitchen. My friend had also called my other son and invited him and his family over for dinner.

All in all, we had 8 adults and two 3-year's (twins). And we feasted on steaks cooked on the grill, crab legs, scallops as well as a plethora of fruits (melons, pineapple, grapes, etc.). He even brought dessert.

Everybody has gone home now. It was hectic, it was noisy, and it was fun. Being with family and friends has cheered me up when I was feeling down. I don't think I'll be crying myself to sleep tonight.

Thank God for friends and family.

Broken

I watched "Prayers for Bobby" again last night. I cried just as much as I did before, if not more. It was late; so, I went to bed as soon as it was over, and I laid there in bed crying, tears streaming down my face. The line at the end where Bobby's mother said "The reason God didn't heal Bobby . . . is because there was nothing wrong with him" was haunting me. Intellectually I know it is true - there is nothing wrong with me. But, I don't know if I really believe it.

Today I'm feeling broken, not whole, like I am less of a man . . . because I am not attracted to women, because I cannot find a job to provide for my family.

Last week our bishop asked the ward to fast for those who are looking for jobs. The ward was fasting for me - and others like me. So, what did I do? I came home and ate cookies. If I can't even fast for myself for 2 meals - how can I possibly expect God to help me? Do I even believe in God? I don't know anymore. Is my faith worth less than 3 cookies?

Today in priesthood meeting they gave us details on an upcoming ward high priest social next month. They've been talking about it for the last few weeks and I've been kinda looking forward to it. It's going to be a rib-fest. But, today I learned that they are planning it to coincide with a BYU game. The plan is to go to the home of one of the brethren, watch the game on his big screen TV, and eat ribs during half time.

I think I'd rather have a root canal than to sit down and watch a football game. At least, I assume it's football - isn't that what season it is? I suppose I could go just for half time to partake of ribs with my brethren. But 1) how will I know when half time is and 2) what are they all going to be talking about during half time - the football game.

I suppose I could go and just hang out with the woman-folk - those who aren't watching the game with their husbands. Just a bunch of women . . . and a fag. What do mature women talk about anyway? When I described it to my wife, she wasn't interested in it either - so we'll probably just skip it.

I guess you could say I'm having a bad day today.

Calling all nerds

The motherboard in our computer died this week. This is what I'm thinking of replacing it with

• GIGABYTE GA-MA790X-UD4P AMD Motherboard
• AMD Phenom II X4 920 2.8GHz Quad-Core Processor
• Kingston 4GB (2 x 2GB) DDR2 800 Desktop Memory
• Kingston SSDNow V-Series 64GB SATA II MLC Internal Solid state disk drive

The 64GB solid state drive would be for the O/S. I already have two 300GB SATA drives which I'll use for data (pictures and stuff). Initially I'll load Vista Home Premium 32-bit; but, I'll upgrade to Windows 7 64-bit when it comes out. I know, I know, if I were a real nerd I'd load Linux - but I just have too much invested in windows software (photoshop, office, etc.). The open source equivalents just aren't quite ready for prime time IMOHO.

Thoughts?

Note, I know I could do better. I could get a 3.0Ghz processor and a motherboard that supports DDR3 memory. But this seems to be the best for the money combo. I estimate less than $500 at newegg.com.

Emasculation

In my training I've been undergoing the last 3 weeks for my teaching certification, the topic of emasculation of boys in our current educational system was brought up. This, it was explained, is a big reason why more boys are sent to the principal's office for misbehavior and more boys are in Special Ed.

While no offense was intended towards female teachers, it was pointed out that education is, essentially, a female dominated profession and that many of today's children grow up in homes without a father figure. In essence, boys are not learning how to be men.

The point of all of this was the importance that male teachers have in education - as they may be the only positive male role models that a boy has in his life. I should also point out that the person leading this discussion is a woman.

I tend to agree with this premise. The fact of the matter is that boys will be boys. Boys and girls are different. They learn differently, they respond to the same stimulus differently, they solve problems differently. Boys tend to be more competitive and aggressive. At the same time, boys tend to not hold a grudge as much as girls. Two boys can get in a fight one day and go back to being best friends the next. Two girls get in a fight and they're giving each other the silent treatment for the next week or so. I don't mean this to sound like I'm dissing girls - just personal observations after being a father of 4 children and working with teenagers for most of my adult life.

But, we try to teach boys to be more sensitive, less aggressive, less competitive - in essence, too often our society expects boys to think and act more like girls. Typical male behavior becomes the object of jokes.

Anyway, this got me to thinking - will I be a good male role model?

• While other men talk about last night's football game - I'm blathering on about American Idol
• While other male teachers will get out and play ball with the boys - I avoid such because, frankly, I throw balls like a girl
• While most men are left brained - I am right brained (as are most women) and think right brained
• While many men are very competitive - I tend to be more passive
  

In short, I wonder if, as a teacher, will I be more like a female teacher than a male teacher? Will I teach more as a woman would teach? Will I approach discipline more as a woman would rather than as a man would?

Mind you, while I do have some OGT's (Obviously Gay Traits) - I also have some straight male traits as well

• I hog the remote while watching TV
• I love going to Home Depot and Lowes
• . . . um, that's all I can think of for now
  

But, in a teaching capacity, will my OGT's dominate over my OST's? Will I make a good male role model for my students?

I'm not suggesting that this will have any impact on my effectiveness as a teacher. I'm only looking at my effectiveness as a male role model. Overall I'm pretty straight acting; and, I doubt I set off gaydar to a casual observer. But, once you get to know me, as my students inevitably will, my OGT's begin to become evident.

Or, perhaps being exposed to a male who isn't doing all of the things that our society says guys do will show the students (both male and female) that men are far more complex than society makes them out to be.