Today, our sacrament meeting theme was learning from the past. The speakers were a youth and a young couple recently moved into the ward. Overall the talks were very good as they spoke of things they learned from their parents, lessons we learn from the scriptures, etc.
But then the concluding speaker brought up Sodom and Gomorrah. He made reference to proposition 8 in California and how we've been criticized for standing up for right - that all we are doing is to learning from the past and trying to keep our communities from turning into Sodom and Gomorrah.
I don't really remember much of what was said after that. The question kept turning over in my mind "how does gay marriage turn our communities into Sodom and Gomorrah?" Isn't it just the opposite? By telling the gay community that their love doesn't count - aren't we, in effect, encouraging them to engage in debauchery - because it really doesn't matter who they have sex with. Doesn't gay marriage move our communities closer to the family values we claim to hold in high esteem?
At the conclusion of sacrament meeting, I exchanged greetings with a couple of ward members. I paused in the lobby waiting to speak to a member of the bishopric on a matter of business related to my calling. As I stood their waiting as he was speaking with another couple, the feeling washed over me that I just didn't want to be there anymore. I felt totally alone, while standing in a crowded room. So, I turned and quietly walked out into the parking lot, climbed into my car, and drove home, skipping sunday school and priesthood meetings.
After arriving home, I changed my clothes and then went upstairs. I went to my home office and pulled a DVD out of the drawer of my desk. It is a DVD I had recently purchased on amazon, but hadn't have a chance to watch, titled Through My Eyes - a documentary produced by the Gay Christian Network. It's nothing fancy, a series of interviews of young gay christians in their teens and twenties talking about what it's like being gay and christian. Some were rejected by their churches, some even by their own families. But through it all - knowing that they are gay and will be for the rest of their lives - they choose to walk with God.
Why can't I have the same level of faith as the young people on the DVD?
I have a bit of a predicament - my temple recommend expires the end of this month; and, frankly, I don't know what I should do. I'm not going to go into a temple recommend interview and lie. I support my church leaders ... on most things. But, I cannot support their actions related to the gay community. However, I really don't want to get into this discussion with my local church leaders. For them to truly understand my feelings and why I have difficulty supporting church leaders on gay issues would require me to reveal my same gender attraction - something I'm not ready to do just yet.
The problem is . . . my calling is one where an active temple recommend is required. So, if I don't go talk to my bishop, am I being an unfaithful hypocrite? If I simply ignore it, I'll likely find myself being invited to go see the bishop to explain why I let it lapse.
Sometimes, it seems so much easier to just quietly stop going to church altogether.
I am at a cross roads where all of the paths before me suck.