I attended the temple yesterday - perhaps the last time for a while ... or ever.
My recommend expires 8/31/2009. Back in March I blogged about the conundrum I face. More recently I blogged about the cross roads I find myself standing at- and nothing has changed.
Perhaps I should just bite the bullet and 'out' myself to my bishop - but I don't know if I'm ready for that, yet. And, I don't know how I can answer the temple recommend questions truthfully - and explain why I feel the way I do - without 'outing' myself. I know some people are, somehow, able to separate their feelings - but I can't.
Truthfully, going to the temple is not something I can say that I enjoy doing. I don't hate it - but I don't exactly look forward to it in anticipation either. It's always been something I've done more out of duty rather than desire (kinda like home teaching). It's a hassle having dress in church clothes, drive to the temple dealing with Dallas traffic, change into temple clothes when we arrive - and when it's over, doing it all again in reverse.
Or ... perhaps I've become as Nephi warned: ", but ye were past feeling, that ye could not feel his words" (1 Nephi 17:45). Perhaps I'm taking one more step towards the edge of the precipice and am about to fall off.
Whatever the case ... this is where I am in my journey. Like the Chesire cat said "If you don't know where you want to go, it doesn't matter which road you take." At this point in my journey - I don't know where I want to go. I know where the LDS church says I should go - but I don't know if that's where I want to go.
To go where the LDS church says I should go will take a act of great faith - faith in the LDS church, faith that has been challenged in recent months - and I don't know if I have it in me anymore.