I watched "Prayers for Bobby" again last night. I cried just as much as I did before, if not more. It was late; so, I went to bed as soon as it was over, and I laid there in bed crying, tears streaming down my face. The line at the end where Bobby's mother said "The reason God didn't heal Bobby . . . is because there was nothing wrong with him" was haunting me. Intellectually I know it is true - there is nothing wrong with me. But, I don't know if I really believe it.
Today I'm feeling broken, not whole, like I am less of a man . . . because I am not attracted to women, because I cannot find a job to provide for my family.
Last week our bishop asked the ward to fast for those who are looking for jobs. The ward was fasting for me - and others like me. So, what did I do? I came home and ate cookies. If I can't even fast for myself for 2 meals - how can I possibly expect God to help me? Do I even believe in God? I don't know anymore. Is my faith worth less than 3 cookies?
Today in priesthood meeting they gave us details on an upcoming ward high priest social next month. They've been talking about it for the last few weeks and I've been kinda looking forward to it. It's going to be a rib-fest. But, today I learned that they are planning it to coincide with a BYU game. The plan is to go to the home of one of the brethren, watch the game on his big screen TV, and eat ribs during half time.
I think I'd rather have a root canal than to sit down and watch a football game. At least, I assume it's football - isn't that what season it is? I suppose I could go just for half time to partake of ribs with my brethren. But 1) how will I know when half time is and 2) what are they all going to be talking about during half time - the football game.
I suppose I could go and just hang out with the woman-folk - those who aren't watching the game with their husbands. Just a bunch of women . . . and a fag. What do mature women talk about anyway? When I described it to my wife, she wasn't interested in it either - so we'll probably just skip it.
I guess you could say I'm having a bad day today.