Sunday, August 2, 2009

Broken

I watched "Prayers for Bobby" again last night. I cried just as much as I did before, if not more. It was late; so, I went to bed as soon as it was over, and I laid there in bed crying, tears streaming down my face. The line at the end where Bobby's mother said "The reason God didn't heal Bobby . . . is because there was nothing wrong with him" was haunting me. Intellectually I know it is true - there is nothing wrong with me. But, I don't know if I really believe it.

Today I'm feeling broken, not whole, like I am less of a man . . . because I am not attracted to women, because I cannot find a job to provide for my family.

Last week our bishop asked the ward to fast for those who are looking for jobs. The ward was fasting for me - and others like me. So, what did I do? I came home and ate cookies. If I can't even fast for myself for 2 meals - how can I possibly expect God to help me? Do I even believe in God? I don't know anymore. Is my faith worth less than 3 cookies?

Today in priesthood meeting they gave us details on an upcoming ward high priest social next month. They've been talking about it for the last few weeks and I've been kinda looking forward to it. It's going to be a rib-fest. But, today I learned that they are planning it to coincide with a BYU game. The plan is to go to the home of one of the brethren, watch the game on his big screen TV, and eat ribs during half time.

I think I'd rather have a root canal than to sit down and watch a football game. At least, I assume it's football - isn't that what season it is? I suppose I could go just for half time to partake of ribs with my brethren. But 1) how will I know when half time is and 2) what are they all going to be talking about during half time - the football game.

I suppose I could go and just hang out with the woman-folk - those who aren't watching the game with their husbands. Just a bunch of women . . . and a fag. What do mature women talk about anyway? When I described it to my wife, she wasn't interested in it either - so we'll probably just skip it.

I guess you could say I'm having a bad day today.

8 comments:

Rex said...

Is football the one with the pointy ball? I don't think it's football season right now. Don't ask me which season it is. I don't have a clue.

Frank Lee Scarlet said...

Sorry you're feeling down, Abelard. I wish I had something helpful to say, but all I can come up with is, things have gotta start looking up sometime! :)

Alan said...

Here's what you do. Bone up quickly on rugby (which you can bet NONE of the strutting BYU fans at this party will know ANYTHING about, then go watch the football game with them and loudly mock (1) the need to stop every 15 seconds for instructions; (2) the sissy pads and helmets to protect the poor momma's boys who don't want to get a boo-boo; (3) the fact that rugby matches are longer and on a bigger field; (4) the fact that the Americans stole a few ideas from a REAL man's game and then dumbed it down.

Do the above and you will not only establish your sports bona fides, but you will spared all invitations to any future events like this.

MNJ said...

Some where out there in this gay mormon blogdom someone said "wouldn't it be cool if there was a MOHO quorum?" Can you imagine? Totally cool. If only it could be. Instead of football we could talk about ....

Quinn said...

You may not want to hear my advice but here it is.

Go with the quorum, eat the ribs, and sit with them during the game.

Even though you don't like the sport, I bet you if you go into the activity with a good, optimistic attitude, you will be surprised how much fun it will be.

I think, even I do this, we set our minds against something before we do it, and who knows what we will miss out on.

So, go sit with the guys and just see what you can learn, and just try to be happy about being there. I bet you if you do it, you will walk away being glad you did.

Philip said...

My apologies if I am repeating myself...

Intellectually I knew there was nothing wrong with me but emotionally I couldn't accept that until two things happened.

First, I met some wonderful "gay positive" gay people. I mention "gay positive" because a lot of gay people are not gay positive. It didn't take long before I transferred all the positive feeling I had towards these wonderful people to myself. They are gay and wonderful. I can be gay and wonderful, too.

Second, I met some wonderful "gay positive" straight people. Knowing these wonderful straight people allowed me to regain trust in straight people again (a trust lost after going in the closet at 12) and to challenge a long held belief that straight people could at best only tolerate gay people. Now I know that there are a lot of straight people out there that accept me just the way I am. The question then became if they are straight and can accept me just as I am then why can't I?

Abe, if I remember correctly, you have come in contact with only one other gay person in your life.

I think it is going to take more than one person to help you undo what an entire community has done.

Emotionally I was raised by my community to believe gay people were intrinsically flawed. It took another entire community to counteract that upbringing.

I wasn't able to counteract my upbringing by myself in isolation.

Regards,
Philip

Abelard Enigma said...

if I remember correctly, you have come in contact with only one other gay person in your life.

Not quite true. I've only had face to face contact with one other member of this MoHo blogging community. But, I have had face to face contact with other gay people. In fact, just last week, I had dinner with some members of the D/FW chapter of Affirmation (a gay Mormon support group). I am not a member of Affirmation; and, they, for the most part, have left the LDS faith; several have partners. But, they are supportive of me and my situation. I've also had some contact with local members of the Gay Christian Network.

But, I agree with you 100% - I need more gay positive contact. As much as I love the LDS church, it is NOT a gay positive organization. In fact, it tries to suck the gay out of you.

D-Train said...

While I have never played nor been interested in playing football, I consider myself so lucky to actually enjoy watching college football. Not sure how that happened, but I guess I will count my blessings. :P

Interestingly enough though, I don't like ribs at all. I have eaten them maybe once in the past decade.