Is it time to move on?

I joined the Mormon queerosphere about 15 months ago (December 19, 2006 is when I published my first post). Overall it has been very good for me. I had only recently accepted, and was still coming to terms with, the fact that I'm attracted to guys - a fact I had unsuccessfully tried to suppress and deny my entire life. I hadn't even told my wife yet of my attractions. The Mormon queerosphere has shown me that I'm not a freak of nature - that there are other people like me. I've made a couple of really good friends. I've received a lot of support from others; and, I hope I've been able to be of some benefit to someone.

But, the Mormon queerosphere is like a living organism and is continually evolving. And, now I'm starting to ponder my place here. For one thing, it seems as though the average age of the gay Mormon blogger has been declining over time. Not to suggest that is a bad thing. But I have children older than many of the active bloggers, or so it seems; and, it is causing me to wonder if there a place for an old curmudgeon like myself. Or would it be best for all, myself included, if I were to just fade back into obscurity? Perhaps I need to move on.

I've got to move on and be who I am
I just don't belong here
I hope you understand
We might find our place in this world someday
But at least for now
I gotta go my own away

The thing I worry about is other people like me - older and, after years of suppression and denial, coming to terms with their sexuality - especially those who are married and whose children are older. Often it feels like we are a demographic that's not supposed to exist. By the time you reach the stage of life I find myself in, it seems many have yielded to their sexual attractions and have left the church, sometimes even their families, in pursuit of a happiness which they've been unable to achieve. Those of us who are still hanging on are a statistical anomaly - presumably too insignificant to even acknowledge.

There is no denying that the Mormon queerosphere has played an important part of my life. It has helped me come to terms with a part of me that I've spent most of my life trying to ignore - which is why I feel so torn and conflicted; why it hurts to think that the Mormon queerosphere has evolved into something that is no longer a haven for people like me, a place where we can feel a sense of belonging. Where else is there for someone like me to turn to? Perhaps I am a statistical anomaly - is there anyone else out there who is active in the LDS church, married, an empty nester- and gay?

I haven't made any firm decisions - this is not intended to be a farewell post - just saying what's been on my mind lately and why I haven't felt much like posting. Perhap's it's finally happened - maybe I've just run out of things to say.

UPDATE: Results of the age poll

Doggy doo list

Now that I have grandchildren who are toddling around, my big project this year is to enclose the swimming pool in the back yard; so, my son is coming over tomorrow and Friday to help me build some fence.

There is already fence along 3 sides of the pool; so, I just need to install one across the yard to completely enclose it. I want the fence to be, somewhat, decorative; so, I went to Home Depot last week and ordered some French Gothic pickets. It is not something they normally carry in stock; so, they had to be special ordered -they were supposed to arrive today.

I hadn't received a call about them; so, I called to check on the status. The guy I talked to said they should have been in by now; so, he was going to call to find out what is happening with the order and call me right back.

About 3 hours later I still hadn't been called back; so, I took my purchase order down to Home Depot to check on the status in person - figuring it wouldn't be as easy to forget about me if I'm standing there.

Turns out, the guy who took my order didn't code it right; so, when the order got to Home Depot headquarters it just said "pickets" instead of "French Gothic Pickets". The person responsible for doing the ordering didn't know which pickets to order - so they didn't order anything. AAARRRGGG!!! Anyway, the order is supposedly corrected now and the pickets will, allegedly, be here in 5 days. Of course, that doesn't do me much good tomorrow and Friday. But, we can dig holes and set the posts in concrete and then attach the cross pieces to that all that is left is to install the pickets - which I can do after work during the evenings.

I'm flabbergasted that the person responsible for ordering didn't pick up the phone to inquire about which pickets to order. Who knows how long this would have taken if I hadn't gone in to check on the status.

Home Depot is on my doggy doo list right now :(

A particularly egregious violation

Your account was disabled because you violated Facebook’s Terms of Use, to which you agreed when you first registered for an account on the site. Accounts can either be disabled for repeat offenses or for one, particularly egregious violation.

Facebook does not allow users to register with fake names, to impersonate any person or entity, or to falsely state or otherwise misrepresent themselves or their affiliations.

I just discovered that my facebook account has been disabled, presumably because I registered under my Abelard persona; although, it's interesting that they never sent me an email or anything. I found out when I tried to log in this morning.

Let's see, I canceled my MySpace account because people like Campbell and Lauren were sending me requests to be my friend. Now I've been kicked off of Facebook.

I'm such a loser, at least when it comes to online social networking :(

Bewildered

I don't get it. I'm confused. I do not comprehend. It does not compute.

Gov. Eliot Spitzer paid $4,300 for a 2 hour 'session' with Ashley Alexandra Depre. Morality aside, what could a girl possibly do to a man in 2 hours that would be worth $4,300? If I let my mind peer into the deepest cesspool of sexual depravity I can't think of anything that would be worth $4,300. Are heterosexual guys really that enslaved to their hormones?

Maybe I'm just getting old; but, if I had $4,300 to spend frivolously, I would much rather put it towards a brand new Nikon D3 camera (~$5,000 street price).

Melancholy

I've been feeling melancholy lately. Some things have happened at church recently that don't involve me directly (I only know about it because of my calling); as such, I'm under explicit instructions to not talk about - ever - not even with my wife. But, the truth of the matter is, I've been struggling a bit these last couple of weeks because it's exposed a dark side to the church that I don't like to acknowledge even exists. I'll just say that I'm really really glad I'm not the bishop.

The way I'm dealing with it is by trying to not think about it and to focus on the good things of the church. That's the same way I deal with other things, such as some of the early statements made by general authorities regarding same sex attraction. But, it bothers me that the only way I can deal with it is by burying my head in the sand pretending it doesn't exist.

Chili Cookoff Champion

Our ward had a chili cook off as a ward activity on Saturday - and I came away with the prize for the best tasting chili. I included the recipe in my recipe blog.

Now I'll just sit back and wait for the food network to contact me ...

It snowed today

We don't usually get snow like this here in Texas, ice is more common. The picture on the left is the street in front of my house. It's not a lot of snow, maybe an inch or two - but it's a lot for us. The streets are slushy and will probably freeze tonight making the roads hazardous tomorrow morning. They'll probably shut everything down tomorrow. Schools will close, businesses will shut their doors. I know you guys living in Utah will probably laugh at us. The thing is, driving on ice is very different than driving on snow; plus, it happens so seldom that the local municipalities don't have adequate equipment to clean it up. The Freeways and main roads will probably be cleared, but none of the residential and side roads will be. It doesn't do much good to have the main road cleared if you can't get to it.

The iris in my garden don't seem to like it so much either. Neither do the daffodils which started blooming a week ago. :( I'm really looking forward to winter being over.

I sure am glad we have global warming - no telling how bad it would be otherwise.

So, how did you other Texans fare?

A letter to the editor - seeking input

An editorial in our local newspaper today has raised my hackles and I've composed a letter to the editor in response. I want to include it here and seek comments and suggestions by my fellow queerospherians before sending it.

In an editorial in the March 5th edition of the Fort Worth Star Telegram, Cal Thomas is lamenting the passage of Bill SB 777 which Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger recently signed into law in California. Mr. Thomas quoted Pastor Ron Gleason as saying "SB 777 essentially makes it lawful for public schools to 'indoctrinate' children as young as pre-kindergarten to accept homosexuality and "other sexually deviant lifestyles" as normal and morally acceptable."

Attitudes like that of Ron Gleason, whom Cal Thomas seems to admire so much, is what led to 15 year old Lawrence "Larry" King being shot and killed in front of the other students in his class by classmate, Brandon McInerney - for being openly gay. Violence against gay students is on the rise in our public schools. Bills, such as SB 777 in California, are intended to curb this trend and prevent more brutal murders and other acts of violence.

As a Christian, it boggles my mind how some of my fellow Christians think it acceptable to teach their children that it's OK to hate certain people simply because they've made different lifestyle choices. Such attitudes are inconsistent with the teachings of Jesus Christ whom we all claim to worship. If people, like Gleason, could look past their homophobia, they would realize that teaching children to accept all people is teaching them a Christian value.

Furthermore, Christians, like myself, have been sending their children to public schools for many years - and most of those children turn into god fearing adults. When a child rejects his religious upbringing, it is more likely due to his home environment rather than anything the schools taught him. If Mr. Gleason is so concerned about declining morals in this country then he needs to make sure his own house is in order by teaching his congregation the importance of good parenting.

How does this look? Does it get my point across forcefully enough? I'm concerned it may be a bit too long to include in the 'letters to the editor' section of our newspaper. Any ideas on how could I shorten it without diminishing the message I'm trying to convey?

It's not for girls

For Christmas, I found some obscure brands of candy bars and gave them to my children. So, for my birthday, my son reciprocated and gave me this candy bar.

It amuses me - although probably not for the reasons he thinks it does :)

btw, it didn't taste very good :(

Die hard Mormon

It seems like tattoo's are popular with gay men. I'm too much of a wuss to put myself through that sort of torturous pain. But, if any of you feel so inclined, might I suggest


He just needs to add Thomas S. Monson; although, I hope he doesn't live through too many more Prophet's as he's [ahem] running out of room.