Thursday, October 23, 2008

Rejection

Last Friday I had an appointment with my therapist. He called a couple of hours before my appointment, apologizing, saying that something came up and he had to leave the office. We canceled my appointment - and he said he would call me back to reschedule.

It's now Thursday - and I still haven't heard from him about rescheduling.

Intellectually, I know I should just call his office and schedule another appointment.

But, emotionally, I feel rejected, unwanted. I'm afraid to call him back. What if he is too busy to see me? What if he doesn't want to see me? What if he feels my problems are unresolvable?

Intellectually, I know my feelings are immature and irrational.

But, emotionally, it took a lot of courage to call up and make the first appointment. I fear that calling him up now will take more courage than I have.

Intellectually, I know this is silly.

But, emotionally, I have my pride. I shouldn't have to call up a therapist begging for an appointment. I am the customer -he is the service provider.

And so, I sit here - doing nothing at all. Feeling alone, isolated, like I have no where to turn.

Why can't I just pick up the damned phone! Yet, I recoil at the very thought ... while it just sits there - like a deadly serpent - daring me to reach for it - and mocking my inability to do so.

I am so screwed up - why would anyone want to be around me? Hell, I don't even want to be around me.

10 comments:

Hidden said...

Um, how bout cuz you're cool and we like you?

**Man hugs you**

Beck said...

Double man hugs! And double forehead presses!

I know how you feel and I would probably do the same thing and not call. But, tomorrow you should call and schedule an appointment. And maybe you should discuss your needs for feeling wanted and not rejected?

Bror said...

What our good friend Beck said, give him a call. Big man hug!

Ron Schow said...

Abelard

Please don't feel rejected. We all like you. And thanks for telling us your thoughts and being so transparent. It makes us all feel more normal.

And remember your poor therapist might have stuff to deal with in his own life. Maybe his mother died and he is out of town for the funeral. Maybe his wife is divorcing him and he's trying to pull himself together so he can call his clients back. Oh well, you get the idea.

Scott said...

Tell your emotional side to go sit in the corner and think about all of the reasons people have to like you. This should take a while.

Then, while he's distracted, have your intellectual side call and schedule an appointment.

*Big hug*

Cadence said...

awhile back i went in to talk to my bishop cause for whatever reason i felt a need to... he was to be released soon so i figured he didnt want to deal with my problems but i just needed someone to talk to... (remember i have been in active for almost a year...) anyway he totally isnt helpful but i didnt expect much when i told him about being gay he said hes delt with it before and hed rather have a professional deal with it so he said hed pay for me to see one of the best therapists on "sga" he would call the dude up and schedule the apointment he knew the guy personally... anyway i know my bishop was a busy man esp since hed be releashed soon... but i never got that apointment... i know all i had to do is call my bishop to remind him but that wasnt the point... atleast in my mind... i think it would of been helpful to talk to this expert guy, i dont want to be changed though i just want to find peace with my past self and present self...
i guess the whole point of all this is i wonder if/when my old bishop will remember that he said he would do that and what he will think to himself... i guess though it doesnt matter because i should of been the one to remind him and im the one that didnt get the service... so i dont know if that is helpful but good luck

oh and ill give you a handshake with a tap on the back type hug... im not into hugging...
and scot i your comment was good but it made me laugh, you can tell your a dad...

robert said...

I totally understand how you feel about this. Therapists should be particularly sensitive to such dynamics. Sometimes they are not, but they are just frail human beings too and they make mistakes.

Philip said...

Just allow yourself to feel whatever you feel and make the call to reschedule. That way, instead of having a hundred and one imaginary scenarios to deal with, you will find out what is really going on and only have one real scenario to deal with. Probably the reason he has not called is not one of the hundred and one scenarios you've imagined. Then when you see him tell him what you went through waiting for his call.

Regards,
Philip

Alan said...

Understandable emotions. That said, I have learned not to ascribe to malice or prejudice what can be adequately explained by simple inadvertence or human error. At least not initially. So don't torture yourself, Abelard, just call and reschedule. Then you'll know. Uncertainty is the worst.

Silver said...

Uncertainty really does suck! I have felt similar feelings so many times. I'm thankful that you shared your vulnerability because it tells me I'm not alone in feeling rejected.

I would bet that when you see the therapist you will find that it was something crazy going on with him and not you. At least then you will know and you can deal with reality and not assumption.

Sometimes when I take the risk, I find out that I was rejected, but that is rare and most of the time it was my own head drama that was freaking me out. When I take the chance and step out there I generally get affirmed and find that the other party has a lot of empathy for what I was feeling.

I'd love to spend time with you. You are interesting, intelligent and open minded. I love your blog and I can tell from your humor and your imagination that you would be cool to pass time with.

Call Him! You'll likely find out that there is a good explaination and that he will feel bad that he let you down.

Hugs!