Last Friday I had an appointment with my therapist. He called a couple of hours before my appointment, apologizing, saying that something came up and he had to leave the office. We canceled my appointment - and he said he would call me back to reschedule.
It's now Thursday - and I still haven't heard from him about rescheduling.
Intellectually, I know I should just call his office and schedule another appointment.
But, emotionally, I feel rejected, unwanted. I'm afraid to call him back. What if he is too busy to see me? What if he doesn't want to see me? What if he feels my problems are unresolvable?
Intellectually, I know my feelings are immature and irrational.
But, emotionally, it took a lot of courage to call up and make the first appointment. I fear that calling him up now will take more courage than I have.
Intellectually, I know this is silly.
But, emotionally, I have my pride. I shouldn't have to call up a therapist begging for an appointment. I am the customer -he is the service provider.
And so, I sit here - doing nothing at all. Feeling alone, isolated, like I have no where to turn.
Why can't I just pick up the damned phone! Yet, I recoil at the very thought ... while it just sits there - like a deadly serpent - daring me to reach for it - and mocking my inability to do so.
I am so screwed up - why would anyone want to be around me? Hell, I don't even want to be around me.