True confession: I was once a homophobe. Mind you, I wasn't going around spouting anti-gay epitaphs, I was much more subtle in my disdain for homosexuals. But, I was a homophobe just the same, consider
- I would tell the occasional gay joke that usually played upon gay stereotypes.
- I bought into the idea that gays were destroying the institution of marriage
- I once volunteered in California to go door to door soliciting votes for a ballot initiative against gay marriage.
- I openly rejoiced with others when the U.S. Supreme court ruled in favor of the Boy Scouts of America and their right to dismiss gay scouts and scouters.
- I had a "live and let live" philosophy on life. What two people did behind closed doors was their business, not mine. I just didn't want them to be in my face about it.
- Although I was in favor of the Supreme court decision regarding the BSA, I felt a better decision would have been to leave it up to the chartering organizations if they were going to allow gay scouts/scouters. That is, let organizations, like the LDS church, forbid it in their units, but allow other chartering organizations to set their own rules. In fact, I still feel this way.
- Although I was against gay marriage, I would have begrudgingly accepted civil unions as a compromise solution
- My eyes were always drawn to cute guys
- Erotic dreams were always of the homo variety
- My occasional lapses into pornography was always of gay content
But everything is different now. I have finally accepted that
being attracted to guys = gay
I'm working hard to overcome the shameful feelings for being gay - and I have made progress on that front.
But, there is another shame I don't know if I'll ever be able to overcome. Not for being gay, but for hating gay - the things I did, the attitude I had, the disdain I felt for the family I didn't know I had. And, I can't help but wonder who I hurt in my blind contempt, having been totally oblivious to their pain.
And for that, I am truly sorry.
Is there anything I can do to make up for a life time of homophobia?
Somehow, blogging anonymously about being gay just doesn't seem to cut it.