"I can't ever let anyone find out that I'm not straight. It would be so humiliating. My friends would hate me. They might even want to beat me up. And my family? I've overheard them. They've said they hate gays, and even God hates gays, too. Gays are bad, and God sends bad boys to hell. It really scares me when they are talking about me."The last three weeks I've only attended Sacrament meeting. Ostensibly because I wasn't feeling good - which is true. I'm having a bit of a health problem - nothing serious, but enough to make it very uncomfortable to sit at church for extended periods of time. (sorry if that's TMI).
- from the diary of Bobby Griffith (Prayers for Bobby)
But, the truth of the matter is, I wanted to go home - I didn't want to stay for sunday school and/or priesthood meeting. People are friendly, but I have no friends; and, like Bobby, I increasingly feel like the people at church would hate me if they knew who I really am. Somebody just has to mention the words "gay" or "proposition 8" and, without any further elaboration, everybody nods in agreement. Because, everybody knows that the gays are out to destroy the institution of marriage and family - and to force their debauchery upon all of society.
Or, perhaps I'm just being overly sensitive - perhaps the pressures of not being able to find a job is taking it's toll on me and manifesting as self pity.
Wikipedia defines "self pity" as
Self-pity is the psychological state of mind of an individual in perceived adverse situations who has not accepted the situation and does not have the confidence nor ability to cope with it. It is characterized by a person's belief that he or she is the victim of events and is therefore deserving of condolence. . . . Self-pity is a way of paying attention to oneself, albeit negatively; it is a means self-soothing or self-nurturing ("I hurt so much").Is that what I'm doing? Am I feeling so alone and inadequate that I am having to self nurture? Is this all a state of mind. Are things at church really just hunky doorey and it's me that has the problem?
Or, is there some validity to my feelings? Is mormon culture a hostile environment for gay folk? Is remaining closeted and pretending to be something I'm not the only way to "fit in"? Am I no longer fitting in because I'm overcoming my shame in my queerness?
Whatever the cause, church is more and more becoming something I do simply out of a sense of duty and not something that I enjoy or look forward to. In church leadership meetings, they sometimes list out 3 things that every member of the church needs
On #2, I have a calling (seminary teacher); but, I'm on summer hiatus right now with just a monthly inservice meetings; so, not much to do. And, I'm beginning to wonder if I should ask to be released because of #1. Or would that make things even worse?
On #3, I have no friends at church. People are friendly - they smile and say hello. But they're not friends - does that make sense? Of course, to have a friend you must be a friend - and how can a social retard like me be a friend?
Am I wallowing in self pity? Or does life just truly suck for me right now? Does it even matter which? And, what can I do about it?