It sucks to be me

In addition to other problems I've already blogged about, in the past few days

• My son was in a car accident and totaled our car. The good news is that he is OK. But, I hate shopping for cars - car dealers are the scum of the earth.
  

• Our dryer died. When we called and described what it was doing (or, rather, what it wasn't doing), the guy said that it sounded like it needed a new motor; and, since it is 10 years old, we would probably be better off buying a new one.

Did I already say that I hate shopping for cars?

Pon farr continues

During Pon Farr (Vulcan mating cycle), the brain is thrown into a neurochemical imbalance and loss of logic and emotional control, similar to musth in bull elephants. The individual may stop eating and sleeping. As the condition progresses, the Vulcan undergoes the plak tow, or blood fever, and becomes unable to speak or think clearly - thoughts of mating overwhelm them.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pon_farr

My daughter, who is visiting from California, was invited to go to a water park Saturday with some friends. She invited me to come along to take pictures of her daughter.

I just didn't think going to a water park with a camera was a good idea for me right now in my current state. A gay guy going through pon farr, a camera with a telephoto zoom lens, and a water park just isn't a good combination. It might be difficult keeping my camera focused on my granddaughter :(

It's like these gay feelings come in waves. Sometimes they are small waves that I barely notice. Other times they are much bigger but I'm still able to keep in control. And, every once in a while, I feel like I've been hit with a tsunami - which is what I've been experiencing lately.

My wife asked me again if everything is OK. And, I lied again and said I was just peachy. She obviously knows I'm lying.

I went to bed before she did. When she came to bed I pretended to be asleep. I was on the very edge of the bed because I was afraid she would brush against me. I don't know why - it wasn't anything about her in particular, it was her gender - I just didn't want to be touched by a girl.

I hate this!!!

On a more positive note, I haven't given in to temptation, I haven't done anything I've regretted; and, I think it is actually getting better. Last night I didn't have the erotic dreams like I've been having. Church yesterday was good. So, maybe I'm starting to snap out of this.

In the past when I've been like this, I would usually lapse into depression. This time, other than feeling frustrated, I've been, for the most part, OK. I guess your prayers have been working - thank you.

Does this happen to other people??? Or am I just an over sexed psychotic lunatic or something?

Live long and prosper - and may your pon farr be far far away.

Pon Farr

My Yin Yang is out of balance. I have too much Yang and not enough Yin, or is it too much Yin and not enough Yang?

From all external appearances, I am a guy who has it all together. I have a wonderful wife and family, I am active in my church, I have a good job which affords me a nice house in a good neighborhood. What more could I want?

But, there is a tiny part of me that just wants to say "to hell with it all, I just want to go be gay." I've heard some people refer to this side of themselves as the beast or monster. But, I don't like thinking of it as such. It's still a part of me, and it doesn't do much for my self esteem to think that part of me is a monster. I prefer to think of it as simply confused.

Normally, I manage to keep my confused alter ego locked up pretty tight. But, every once in a while, he tries to asset himself. And, sometimes, he does a pretty good job. The last time was about a year ago - that's when I finally had to sit myself down and say "self, accept it, you're gay", "you're fruitier than a fruitcake", "you're queerer than a three dollar bill", "you're ...", oh well, you get the picture.

Well, lately, my confused alter ego has been asserting himself again. So, I went to the temple yesterday. My son and a couple of friends had planned on going. I had planned on taking the day off anyway, so I kinda invited myself to go along. But, it was good - I really needed it. We did initiatories, we did a session, we did some sealings - the whole nine yards. We left home at 8am and didn't get back until 3pm (and the temple is less than 20 miles away, so not much of that was travel time, although it did include me taking them out to lunch).

When we got back home, my daughter-in-law was over with my twin grandbabies (who just turned 1 year old this week). When my grandson saw me, he came over and held his hands up wanting me to pick him up. And I thought "I have a family that loves me, life is good".

Later in the afternoon I had to run to the grocery store to pick up a few things. As I was standing in line waiting to check out, it occurred to me that I had gotten in the line with the cutest checker. Coincidence? [big sigh] probably not :(

Later that evening, I had to go to the stake center for our monthly bishopric training. I couldn't help but notice that the bishop of one of the other wards is dang hot - damn my confused alter ego!

This morning my wife asked me if everything was OK. I lied and told her that I'm doing great, in that 'why would you even ask' sort of tone. I know she's my wife - the one person I should be able to pour my heart out to. But, what am I supposed to say? "No, I'm not OK, I really want a boyfriend right now!"

For lunch, we decided to go to our favorite local sandwich dive. As we were standing there waiting for our order, a young man (mid to late 20's) walked up. As he waited in line he was telling us how he hadn't been there in years and was asking us what was good. So, I'm standing there next to my wife, admiring this guy and wondering how he would look with his shirt off.

And, to top things off, at times like these the temptation for M & P becomes increasingly difficult to resist. I'm hanging on; but, I feel like I'm going through some sort of gay vulcan Pon Farr.

I'm sure I'll make it through this - I always do. But, please pray for me ...

The Mormon Queerosphere

Is it just me? Or is the Mormon queerosphere changing? It just doesn't seem the same that it once was.

• There are some in our numbers who are questioning the value of continuing their blogs. Many have left already. In the list of "BLOGS BY OTHER GAY MORMON'S" which I maintain on the right hand side of my blog, the (R) designation indicates those blogs which are retired (i.e. are no longer being updated).

• Some bloggers have disappeared altogether, designated by (RIP). I used to delete blogs that disappeared; but, a while ago I decided to keep them in the list as a reminder of those who used to count themselves as one of us. I want to remember them and keep them in my prayers that they will be able to find some measure of peace.

• We are a diverse group of people; and, we've never all agreed on everything. Even simple things, like what to call ourselves, has resulted in endless discourse. But, in reading through the comments I see on other blogs, there seems to be more hostility and contention than I remember seeing before.

Are these signs of the Mormon queerosphere imploding in on itself? Is the Mormon queerosphere becoming obsolete? I certainly hope not. The Mormon queerosphere was a real lifesaver for me (in a very literal sense).

If the Mormon queerosphere fizzles out - what is left to take its place? There isn't anything! On one side we have groups like Affirmation and LDS Reconciliation. On the other side we have groups like Evergreen International. On one side we have gay and proud. On the other side we have struggling with same gender attraction. The Mormon queerosphere fills a niche between those philosophies. Without the Mormon queerosphere we are left only with polarized extremes with nothing to bridge them.

There are some who may argue that on one side we have those who actively oppose the brethren and on the other side are those who follow the brethren. They may argue that there is only one 'right' way and 'if you aren't with us then you are against us'. But, I will not be pulled into that argument (and will likely delete any comments which attempt to do so). I am quite comfortable being a queer with a temple recommend.

IMOHO, the Mormon queerosphere fills an important role. Just as it has helped me, I believe it is helping many others. There are many who lurk and don't make their presence known. And, that's OK. I know they are there because there are only a handful of people who comment on my blog, but blogging statistics show that people from all over the world are checking out my blog - and many of these are repeat visitors.

Maybe I've got it all wrong. Maybe it's just a bunch of straight people who keep coming back out of morbid curiosity (much like slowing down to ogle an accident on the freeway). Maybe we're just a freak show that provides entertainment for the 'normal' people out there.

But, I don't think so. I believe there are likely many people like us - people who may be as we once were - still coming to terms with their sexuality. People who are each at different levels and at different points on their path. Occasionally, some may become comfortable enough to create their own blog to share their journey with others. But, many may never reach that point. Yet, we may be their lifeline - a reminder that they are not a freak of nature, that they are not alone in their struggles and challenges of being Mormon and gay.

So, while I struggle with what I should blog about - I pray that I will not reach the point where I start to feel that it is not worthwhile. Many of my blog entries may be inane and pedestrian with the occasional profound thought thrown in. But, that is an accurate portrayal of my life (which is mostly dull and boring).

And I plead with my fellow bloggers - please do not leave me to be the last man standing.

Holy "God" eggplant

Hurry, there is only 1 day left to bid on the Holy "God" eggplant on eBay (item #260149520904). A mere $1,000 will get you this holy relic. (unless, of course, there is a last minute bidding frenzy)


Personally, I'm holding out for one that spells out "Mahonri Moriancumer".

BYU in the news (of the weird)

Not much news coming out of Utah makes it into our local newspapers here in Texas (Utah is, after all, one of the nugatory states). So, when you see something - you know it must be really important.

Friday, August 17th, "News of the Weird"

A star athlete at Brigham Young University was arrested in Provo, Utah, in June after police saw him angrily dueling with a street cleaner using the man's mops. The cleaner had crossed a street slowly, provoking driver Kyle Perry to leap from his car, grab a mop and swing it at the cleaner, who parried the attack with another mop.

All of you BYU alumni must be feeling mighty proud right now - BYU star athlete, Kyle Perry, in the national news. I'm sure this little incident won't come back to haunt him if he makes it to the 2008 Olympics.

Note: Further research into this incident found that all charges against Kyle Perry were dismissed as requested by the alledged victim because he didn't want to ruin anyone's life. (hmmm, or was it "because they wrote me a big check!"?). In any case, this conclusion to the story was not included in the Texas newspaper account.

Ask Abelard

I'm still alive and kicking. I just can't think of anything to blog about. So, I thought that, maybe, the 2 or 3 people that actually read my blog might have some question they've been dying to ask.

So, here is your chance. What do you want to know? You can ask my opinion on something, or something about me? Ask away.

Oh, and if nobody asks any questions it will cause me to have some serious self esteem issues :(

Coming Out Insurance

Check out Coming Out Insurance.

Being the only child like this (out of 6 children), I was also amused by Coming Out to Dad.

Another awkward moment

I was sitting at the kitchen table this morning, eating my cereal, reading the newspaper and minding my own business; when my wife walked in and asked me if I liked the movie we watched last night. We want to go see The Bourne Ultimatum; but, we decided we should first watch The Bourne Identity (which I hadn't seen before) and The Bourne Supremacy (which neither of us has seen). So, last night, we watched The Bourne Identity on DVD.

In between chews, I mumbled that yes, I did like the movie. Then she asked "do you think Matt Damon is cute?"

I stopped eating, I looked her straight in the eye and said "that's an awkward question" and then resumed eating my bowl of cereal.

She replied "yeah, I know" ... "but do you?" I just looked at her sheepishly. She then smiled and said "I got the answer to my question" and left the room.

How am I supposed to respond to questions like that? Somebody, please help me out here. I have 3 sisters, I've been married to a girl for 27 years, I have raised 2 daughters - and the only conclusion I'm able to come up with is that girls are weird! They are a mystery that continues to elude me.

I mean, how would she react if I said "oh baby, get me some ice, because he is dang hot!"? OK, maybe that was a little over the top. But, he is most definitely eye candy. However, when asked questions like that, I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

So, yes. Matt Damon is cute. In fact, I might even go so far as to say Matt Damon is hot! Satisfied???

Say what???

It seems that police officers in Thailand are being naughty. Some of them have been caught littering, parking in prohibited areas, or arriving late -- among other dastardly deeds.

To stamp out this epidemic of heinous wrong doings, Thai officials have decided to make the offending officers wear a hello kitty armband for one day. But, only in the division office. I guess making them wear hello kitty armbands in public would be a fate worse than death.

For the full news story see Thai officials hope Hello Kitty can shame errant cops on CNN.

I don't know if I should laugh, feel sorry for the officers, or be offended and outraged at the insult to hello kitty.

World community grid

The World Community Grid's mission is to create the world's largest public computing grid to tackle projects that benefit humanity. It allows you to donate unused cpu cycles on your home and/or work computer as part of the grid. The projects that they are currently working on are:

• Genome Comparison Project
• Human Proteome Folding - Phase 2 Project
• FightAIDS@Home Project

You choose to participate in any, or all, of these projects. To learn more, see http://www.worldcommunitygrid.org.

I've been participating in the predecessor of the World Community Grid (called grid.org) for several years; however, that project was shut down recently; so, I've setup both my work and home PC's on the World Community Grid.

This has been a public service announcement

I am so NOT gay

Maybe I'm not so gay after all.

• In the poll I put on my blog recently regarding favorite stores, I had 21 people vote - and not a single vote for Home Depot (I didn't vote in my poll). I love Home Depot and Lowes. I can spend hours in there just browsing around, drooling over power tools.

• a friend of mine just bought a pickup truck - and I am so jealous! When he was showing it to me, my first thought was "I wonder how many rocks we could load into the back of that baby".
  

• I have a favorite blue shirt which I accidentally ripped it recently. No problem, I got my roll of duct tape and problem solved (you can fix anything with duct tape).

• I work out of my home, and have been doing so for a couple of years now. I still get up and shower each morning. But, shaving has become an optional activity on weekdays. I've also devolved to the point where I tend to wear the same clothes every day (much to my wife's chagrin).
  

I am so gay

iwonder shared with me a couple of recipe's, that his father had taught to him, for Hiroshima style Okonomiyaki and Gyoza. As he described these dishes, my mouth started to water and I just had to try them.

Being Japanese, these recipes required a number of ingredients not normally found in the typical American kitchen. So, I headed down to Central Market which is an up scale grocery store near where I live. I was able to find everything except the Okonomiyaki sauce (kind of important when you're making Okonomiyaki).

I planned on making this Japanese dinner on Saturday. As it turned out, my wife had invited some friends over to play games on Saturday; so, I ended up making a Japanese dinner for 3 friends plus my wife and I.

Saturday morning, in preparation for this Japanese dinner I would be making that evening, I looked up a Japanese grocery store and drove 20 miles to pick up a $4 bottle of Okonomiyaki sauce (and then 20 miles back home).

But, I didn't stop there. On the way home I decided that a Japanese dinner needed to be eaten on special plates; so, I stopped at World Market and bought some square plates and some fancy chopsticks.

But, I didn't stop there. I decided that the dinner table needed to be graced with some exotic flowers; so, I bought some flowers and brought them home and arranged them in a vase.

But, I didn't stop there. One of the grocery stores in my area has an on-site sushi chef; so, I went and bought a small variety pack of sushi as an appetizer.

But, I didn't stop there. I did some searching on the internet and downloaded some MP3 files from a contemporary Japanese artist and burned a CD for some background music.


[big sigh] Is there any hope for me? Or, am I just hopelessly gay?

BTW, in case anyone feels so inclined, here are the recipe's (which have earned the iwonder seal of approval).

Hiroshima style Okonomiyaki
Gyoza ala iwonder

God Loveth His Children

I just read the pamphlet, God Loveth His Children, that seems to be generating some amount of controversy in the gay Mormon community. To be honest, I didn't have the same negative reaction that others had when I read this pamphlet. Is it perfect? No! Is it better than anything else we've seen to date? A most definite Yes!

Actually, the part of the pamphlet that bugged me the most has nothing to do with same sex attraction. On p.8 it states:

Someone wisely said that if we plant a garden with good seed, there will not be much need of the hoe.

Personally, I think it should read "Someone dumbly said ...". As a gardener, I've learned that the amount of cultivation needed in a garden has absolutely nothing to do with the quality of the seed you planted. Cultivation is controlled more by the quality of the soil in which you planted your seed and the amount of soil enrichment you do (both before and after you plant your seed). What's odd is that the rest of the page talks about the need of spiritual nourishment and filling our lives with positive influences - which is analogous garden cultivation. It would have been better to just leave out that first sentence entirely. The rest of the paragraph stands on its own quite well.

I do understand the reservations that some have with a few of the statements. For example, on p.9 it states:

It is not helpful to flaunt homosexual tendencies or make them the subject of unnecessary observation or discussion.

The way I interpret this is that I shouldn't go around wearing a rainbow tie and calling everybody 'sweety'. But, it is, unfortunately, ambiguous and could be subject to a wide range of interpretations. I do have some stereotypical gay traits; for example, I do not like sports. I make no apologies for my disdain of sports and have subtle (and some not so subtle) ways of letting people know that I'm not interesting in talking about sports. Could someone construe this as 'flaunting my homosexual tendencies'? Perhaps.

I'm also curious about the following statement on p.3-4

... many Latter-day Saints, through individual effort, the exercise of faith, and reliance upon the enabling power of the Atonement, overcome same-gender attraction in mortality.

What exactly does it mean to 'overcome same-gender attraction'? Are they saying that these people are no longer attracted to those of the same gender? Or are they simply saying that they have it under control? And they say many have achieved this, where's the proof? I served my mission in Missouri, so 'show me'! Personally, I believe that anyone who claims to have overcome homosexuality probably started out somewhere in the middle of the Kinsey scale and have only managed to emphasize their heterosexual tendencies enough to overshadow their homosexual tendencies. Some of us don't have enough heterosexual tendencies to accomplish this regardless of how much we pray, fast, read the scriptures, etc.

I think it is worthwhile pointing out some things that the pamphlet left out (thankfully). For example, there is no mention as to the cause of homosexuality (unlike some earlier writings suggesting that homosexuality is caused by a father's inattentiveness with his children and/or masturbation during teenage years).

I'm also thankful they left out any discussion on how we should identify ourselves. Personally, I feel that how I choose to identify my sexual orientation is my own business. The church should not dictate to me how I should identify my sexual orientation any more than they should dictate how I should identify my ethnicity or my hair color. If someone chooses to associate negative connotations with words like 'gay' or 'homosexual' then that is their problem, not my problem.

I was encouraged with the following statement

Many questions, however, including some related to same-gender attracts, must await a future answer

It goes on to say

... even in the next life

however, it still leaves open the possibility that some of our questions will, eventually, be answered in this life.

For our single gay brothers and sisters, I was also encouraged by the following statement on p.4

As we follow Heavenly father's plan, our bodies, feelings, and desires will be perfected in the next life so that every one of God's children may find join in a family consisting of a husband, a wife, and children.

Although, I would like to know the scriptural basis for such a belief. Just because it's published by the church doesn't mean that this pamphlet has the same weight as scripture. I am disappointed that there is virtually nothing to comfort those of us in mixed orientation marriages. After reading this pamphlet, I feel like I'm not supposed to exist.

I'm also a little bothered by the statement on p.9 which says:

Neglecting these positive influences and withdrawing from the Church because of discouragement, perceived rejection, or a sense that you do not belong can only hurt your spirituality and your desire to control your actions.

It goes on to say:

Some people with same-gender attraction have felt rejected because members of the Church did not always show love. No member of the church should ever be intolerant.

It seems to me that they acknowledge the rejection that some have felt is very real - there is nothing perceived about it. Also, what is being done to communicate to the membership at large that intolerance towards people with same-gender attraction is not becoming of a good latter-day saint? On p.12 it states "It is helpful to visit with your bishop and other priesthood leaders ..."; but, for me personally, that ain't gonna happen until I feel more assurance that I'm not going to be judged and/or rejected simply because of unwanted attractions. And, hearing the youth say "that's so gay" and other members blaming homosexuals and same sex marriage for all of our social ills isn't giving me that assurance.

Bottom line, I feel this pamphlet is a positive step forward. It is a good tool for a Bishop to use when counseling someone with same gender attraction (certainly a lot more positive than telling them to go read "The Miracle of Forgiveness").

Anyway, this is just my $0.02 on the topic. My opinion and 50¢ will buy you a newspaper.