My Yin Yang is out of balance. I have too much Yang and not enough Yin, or is it too much Yin and not enough Yang?
From all external appearances, I am a guy who has it all together. I have a wonderful wife and family, I am active in my church, I have a good job which affords me a nice house in a good neighborhood. What more could I want?
But, there is a tiny part of me that just wants to say "to hell with it all, I just want to go be gay." I've heard some people refer to this side of themselves as the beast or monster. But, I don't like thinking of it as such. It's still a part of me, and it doesn't do much for my self esteem to think that part of me is a monster. I prefer to think of it as simply confused.
Normally, I manage to keep my confused alter ego locked up pretty tight. But, every once in a while, he tries to asset himself. And, sometimes, he does a pretty good job. The last time was about a year ago - that's when I finally had to sit myself down and say "self, accept it, you're gay", "you're fruitier than a fruitcake", "you're queerer than a three dollar bill", "you're ...", oh well, you get the picture.
Well, lately, my confused alter ego has been asserting himself again. So, I went to the temple yesterday. My son and a couple of friends had planned on going. I had planned on taking the day off anyway, so I kinda invited myself to go along. But, it was good - I really needed it. We did initiatories, we did a session, we did some sealings - the whole nine yards. We left home at 8am and didn't get back until 3pm (and the temple is less than 20 miles away, so not much of that was travel time, although it did include me taking them out to lunch).
When we got back home, my daughter-in-law was over with my twin grandbabies (who just turned 1 year old this week). When my grandson saw me, he came over and held his hands up wanting me to pick him up. And I thought "I have a family that loves me, life is good".
Later in the afternoon I had to run to the grocery store to pick up a few things. As I was standing in line waiting to check out, it occurred to me that I had gotten in the line with the cutest checker. Coincidence? [big sigh] probably not :(
Later that evening, I had to go to the stake center for our monthly bishopric training. I couldn't help but notice that the bishop of one of the other wards is dang hot - damn my confused alter ego!
This morning my wife asked me if everything was OK. I lied and told her that I'm doing great, in that 'why would you even ask' sort of tone. I know she's my wife - the one person I should be able to pour my heart out to. But, what am I supposed to say? "No, I'm not OK, I really want a boyfriend right now!"
For lunch, we decided to go to our favorite local sandwich dive. As we were standing there waiting for our order, a young man (mid to late 20's) walked up. As he waited in line he was telling us how he hadn't been there in years and was asking us what was good. So, I'm standing there next to my wife, admiring this guy and wondering how he would look with his shirt off.
And, to top things off, at times like these the temptation for M & P becomes increasingly difficult to resist. I'm hanging on; but, I feel like I'm going through some sort of gay vulcan Pon Farr.
I'm sure I'll make it through this - I always do. But, please pray for me ...