My Yin Yang is out of balance. I have too much Yang and not enough Yin, or is it too much Yin and not enough Yang?From all external appearances, I am a guy who has it all together. I have a wonderful wife and family, I am active in my church, I have a good job which affords me a nice house in a good neighborhood. What more could I want?
But, there is a tiny part of me that just wants to say "to hell with it all, I just want to go be gay." I've heard some people refer to this side of themselves as the beast or monster. But, I don't like thinking of it as such. It's still a part of me, and it doesn't do much for my self esteem to think that part of me is a monster. I prefer to think of it as simply confused.
Normally, I manage to keep my confused alter ego locked up pretty tight. But, every once in a while, he tries to asset himself. And, sometimes, he does a pretty good job. The last time was about a year ago - that's when I finally had to sit myself down and say "self, accept it, you're gay", "you're fruitier than a fruitcake", "you're queerer than a three dollar bill", "you're ...", oh well, you get the picture.
Well, lately, my confused alter ego has been asserting himself again. So, I went to the temple yesterday. My son and a couple of friends had planned on going. I had planned on taking the day off anyway, so I kinda invited myself to go along. But, it was good - I really needed it. We did initiatories, we did a session, we did some sealings - the whole nine yards. We left home at 8am and didn't get back until 3pm (and the temple is less than 20 miles away, so not much of that was travel time, although it did include me taking them out to lunch).When we got back home, my daughter-in-law was over with my twin grandbabies (who just turned 1 year old this week). When my grandson saw me, he came over and held his hands up wanting me to pick him up. And I thought "I have a family that loves me, life is good".
Later in the afternoon I had to run to the grocery store to pick up a few things. As I was standing in line waiting to check out, it occurred to me that I had gotten in the line with the cutest checker. Coincidence? [big sigh] probably not :(
Later that evening, I had to go to the stake center for our monthly bishopric training. I couldn't help but notice that the bishop of one of the other wards is dang hot - damn my confused alter ego!
This morning my wife asked me if everything was OK. I lied and told her that I'm doing great, in that 'why would you even ask' sort of tone. I know she's my wife - the one person I should be able to pour my heart out to. But, what am I supposed to say? "No, I'm not OK, I really want a boyfriend right now!"For lunch, we decided to go to our favorite local sandwich dive. As we were standing there waiting for our order, a young man (mid to late 20's) walked up. As he waited in line he was telling us how he hadn't been there in years and was asking us what was good. So, I'm standing there next to my wife, admiring this guy and wondering how he would look with his shirt off.
And, to top things off, at times like these the temptation for M & P becomes increasingly difficult to resist. I'm hanging on; but, I feel like I'm going through some sort of gay vulcan Pon Farr.
I'm sure I'll make it through this - I always do. But, please pray for me ...
11 comments:
Already praying. Every night, I remember you by name in my prayers.
1) Abe, do you realize you just outed yourself as a Trekkie?
2) Do you realize I just did, too?
3) I think we all go through it. It comes and goes for me, and I agree, it's frustrating. It helps to remember priorities.
I actually just look at it like "Oh, it's that time of my month again."
Today, alone at work, I was thinking of my father. My last poignant memory of him was helping him to pray. He was descending into the very final stages of cancer and was going in and out of lucidity. He asked me to recite the words of the Lord's prayer, which I did, and then he started in himself; only, he couldn't remember all the words, so I slowly prompted him through the prayer. Tears were flowing out of both our eyes, as I saw a childlike intensity to get it right. As a new convert I used to sing the Lord's prayer to myself while searching for spiritual strength. So today, while alone in my lab, I sang again the words of the prayer: "Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name..."
The Spirit is real Abelard. You know it is. I'll sing the prayer again this weekend. This time it will be for you.
Spock in ST 3
I really laughed when I saw the title of your post, and instantly knew exactly what it was about.
I'm sort of a trekkie too. Not crazy enough to go to conventions dressed up as a Klingon though (however, that would be wicked awesome).
Believe me, I understand.
So we all have another thing in common, we all knew what Pon Farr meant. But, at least I didn't know how to spell it until now. Why does the gay Pon Farr (as you put it) come and go like that? I've tried to explain it to a friend without really understanding it myself. I can even go a couple of months or more, then out of the blue, I'm really gay, as opposed to somewhat gay.
If it only happens once every seven years you should count yourself lucky.
I'm not much of a prayer these days, but I am thinking of you, Abe, and wish you peace. I know what you're going through. It's really tough.
Sometimes I look at problem solving as an exercise in choice. Rather than finding a "solution" you get to choose the set of problems can you best cope with. Which are they for you? The problems you now have or the problems that would arise if you made a major life change?
If I were in your situation, I'd probably do exactly what you are doing now. It just makes sense, and as you say, your life is pretty dang good, all things considered. (I know that doesn't erase the longing for male companionship.)
With affection,
MoHoH
My situation is similar, Abelard. I will pray for you, and ask for your prayers as well.
May Pon Farr pass quickly!
I found that it really helps me just to accept the fact that, "yeah he's cute and I might want to do some things to him." You have to remember though that just as long as you don't act, you are fine. Being gay is a part of yourself. Don't push it off of you because it makes it much harder to live a normal life.
I'm sure that you wife sometimes thinks the same things about some guys she meets. So what? It's a part of life...
I agree with gimple. I feel like wishing it away will only add extra layers of pain onto a situation that does not need to be painful. I remember when I was still celibate and holding a temple recommend I would often feel really depressed when I saw a cute guy. I wanted something out of the situation but I was really afraid of what my feelings meant. Does that feeling mean I am supposed to be with a man? Does it mean that I am going to be unhappy if I don't? I would go from feeling attraction to a quick spiral into sadness and confusion. Regardless, I don't think that those are the moments when we should be introspective. I think in those moments we should go to our "observer" and just watch ourselves from the outside. For instance: Wow these emotions are really flowing through my body instead of how the hell can I make this attraction go away and stay away. You clearly know why you are choosing the life you have, so I think its just healthy to feel it all without any judgement or without any need to act or even process. What you feel for that cute boy is natural to you, and there is nothing wrong with it. Feel it and let it flow through u. I'm sending you waves of love and support aka praying for you
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