2 ½ years ago I wrote a poem which I titled Alone. After years of suppressing and denying who I am - I was finally coming to terms with the fact that I am gay. However, I had not yet found anybody else who was like me - gay, but trying to stay active in the LDS church. I was feeling very much alone - at church, I felt like I was alone in a crowded room.
Beck and I were reminiscing recently. He is not only the first and only MoHo I've met in person - but he is also the first MoHo I talked with on the phone. I still remember that day - I was so nervous. Beck did most of the talking. He would try to ask me questions, but I would give monosyllabic responses.
I've grown in so many ways the last 2 ½ years. I'm actually able to use the word "gay" out loud when referring to myself. later, I've found others like me and I've been active in the Mormon queerosphere. I'm overcoming the shame of being gay.
But, I am still battling these feelings of loneliness. On that front I've made no progress at all; in fact, I'm wondering if I've even slipped backwards - if that's even possible.
I go to church each week and I interact with the other brethren at church. But, any semblance of friendship seems contrived and forced. Truthfully, if it weren't for our shared church membership, we probably wouldn't even give each other the time of day. I don't mean that as a criticism in any way - they are good people. It's just that I don't feel like I have anything in common with them; and, our conversations are short and superficial.
I've tried reaching out elsewhere. I joined a photography club - but it's pretty much fizzled out. It's just so difficult for me since I'm a complete and total social retard. I feel like I'm a nice guy and people like me once they get to know me - I just can't get to first base with anybody with whom I might have common interests.
I have my friends in the queerosphere - but it's just not the same as a flesh and blood friend who lives nearby. I really enjoyed my visit with Beck last week - but it's been bitter sweet as it underscores what I am missing in my life - someone I can just hang out with; someone I can talk to; someone I can just be myself around without having to maintain the charade.
Is this really so unreasonable? As a married man, is it selfish of me to want a close male friend? My wife has her outside interests and groups of ladies she talks with on the phone and meets with on a weekly basis. Why is it so hard for men to do so? Why is it so hard for me?
I'm not looking for pity (well, maybe just a little) - I'm just trying to figure out what I should do.
Perhaps I should just accept the inevitable - I'm never going to have a close friend nearby that I can just hang out with. My friendships will remain virtual with the occasional physical visit.
I'm such a pathetic excuse for a man.