Wednesday, May 30, 2007

In? Or out?

I feel a bit like Tevye from Fiddler on the Roof. The scene where the villagers are talking about the disturbing news from other villages and what they should do. Tevye declares "He's right!" And, when Perchik offers an opposing point of view, he says "He's right!" And, when someone else points out they can't both be right, Tevye declares "He's right too!"

I've been following iwonder's blog and his decision to totally come out. While my comments on his blog have urged caution - I can't deny that there is a teeny part of me that wants to do the same. A tiny part that is cheering him on "you go girl!" A small part of me that is tired of pretending to be a heterosexual.

It's not like I want to put my wifes clothes on and go skipping among the tulips. It's little things. For instance, the other day I was talking with some guys at church when someone, out of the blue, started talking about some basketball team. Here we were, having this meaningful conversation solving all of the problems in the world; and, he cut me out of the discussion. I just wanted to say "hello - gay!" A while back my daughter was talking about her friends families (many of whom grew up with divorced parents, etc.). She then declared "I think our family is the only normal one!" I wanted to ask "The family with the gay dad is the most normal one?"

But, for me, there is a huge roadblock: My children. Telling my wife that I'm gay was hard enough. The thought of telling my children absolutely terrifies me. And, just how does one go about making such an announcement to adult children (and their spouses)?
Well kids, I have an announcement:
Your dad's a fag - always has been.

Hon, what's for dinner?
I have read others stories from men telling their adult children after 20+ years of marriage - but it was always in conjunction with an announcement that they are getting divorced. The idea of coming out to adult children while remaining committed to the marriage seems to be uncharted waters. And, I'm not that much of an adventurer.

But, what if I were to be outed? I have already made the commitment that if I ever think my children may hear rumors of me being gay that I will tell them - because I think I owe it to them to hear it from me rather than as a rumor. So, what if someone who knows me happens upon my blog and puts two and two together? Brrrr, it's probably better if I don't think about that possibility.

BTW, check out this video:

It is a skit from a GCN (Gay Christian Network) gathering. It is a musical parody of the ex-Gay movement titled "Straight to Heaven". It uses a lot of show tunes; one of the songs is apropos to this discussion: "Your son will come out, tomorrow."

I will warn you, the file is about 135MB. The skit is about an hour long and requires Apple Quicktime player. Personally, I think the skit has a powerful message. It parodies both ex-gays and gays living "the lifestyle" and has a message that there are other choices. Just because you're gay doesn't mean you can't be a Christian and have Christian values. I think that in our little corner of the queerosphere, we have a similar message. Just because we're gay doesn't mean we can't be Mormons and hold Mormon values.


Kengo Biddles said...

I know that I would probably tell my children about it, at an appropriate time. But I hear your questions and quandary. I'm in the same boat.

Abelard Enigma said...

I figure the day will eventually come when I have to tell them. But, I'm not looking forward to that day and hope I can put it off as long as possible.

Of course, the longer I wait the worse it gets because then I have to factor in grandchildren who might be old enough to comprehend what it means.

Gimple said...

My advice is just to be honest with them. I'm sure that they will understand. I have found a lot of people who are understanding and actually are really supportive of gay people. It is up to your digression though. If you feel like they can handle it, I would do it. If not, don't do it. Best of luck to you!

playasinmar said...

"Well kids, I have an announcement:
Your dad's a fag - always has been."

Holy self-image problem, Batman!!

Beck said...

I have told myself that if my kids suspect or question my "status", or if rumors are circling in for the kill, then I will be the one to discuss the truth with them directly.

I have wondered this week... what if my son or daughters "saw" me on the couch in the foyer of the chapel in the arms of my "friend" and questioned what I was "doing". How would I explain it?

But until then, what's the point? Why stir that muck up when it's not currently stinking?

I know I'm hopelessly in denial, so don't take advice from me... :(

Beck said...

By the way... nice self-portrait! :)

Abelard Enigma said...

nice self-portrait

I wish :(

Sean said...

like you and a few others that is a quandry that i, for now, dont want to touch.

but if push comes to shove I will be honest. especially if i see that it will be helpful.

-L- said...

I think my toddler is going to know the word gay before he knows most other words, judging from the frequency of usage in the -L- household. Oh well. We'll see how that turns out.

Abelard Enigma said...

Be careful about how you talk in front of your children. Children are not very good about keeping secrets. Other people who work with your children (teachers, etc.) will know everything about you that they know.