According to "10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do To Lead Happy Lives" by Joe Kort, there are there are six stages in the coming out process. I've never read the book myself; but, there is plenty of information on these six stages just a google away.I can relate to stages 1, 2, & 3 and I think I'm moving into stage 4; although, I see hints of stage 6 - but I can't relate to stage 5. Man, even as a gay dude I can't seem to get it right.
Anyway, the six stages are summarized below. Use the poll on the right to indicate where you think you are.
- Identity Confusion - Sees self as member of mainstream group. Denial of inner feelings.
- Who am I?
- Am I different?
- Identity Comparison - Begin to come out of the "fog.'
- Maybe I am gay.
- I'm alone.
- What are gay people like?
- Identity Tolerance - Encounter someone or something that breaks through the denial system.
- I accept the possibility that I may be gay.
- Where are other gay people?
- Identity Acceptance - Exploring subculture activities, readings, etc.
- I am gay.
- Am I okay?
- I can come out to some people.
- Identity Pride - Feel arrogance/pride in new identity and deep rage toward majority culture. May adopt/heighten stereotypical behaviors or characteristics (i.e. "I'm different and proud of it!". May isolate self from mainstream values and activities.
- I am proud to be gay.
- I don't (and won't) pass for straight.
- Identity Synthesis - Acceptance and integration of new identity. May go through five stages of grief to let go of old identity and all advantages of heterosexual privilege. Internalize pride/positive feelings about identity. Typically is "out" (with friends, family, at work). More at peace with self.
- I am an okay person who happens to be gay.
8 comments:
This is a flawed example, Abe, because some of us are fine to pass for straight, and let those who would understand know who and what we really are.
After all, we live in a world where "[we] better brace [our]selves for a whole lotta ugly comin' at [us] from a neverending parade of stupid." Most members of the church won't understand us, and most gays won't understand us, either.
Hmmm, I was not thinking in terms of how others view us. I was thinking in terms of how we view ourselves.
I can certainly relate to being in an "Identity Confusion" state followed by an "Identity Comparison" state of wondering, and feeling very alone (thinking I must be the only gay Mormon in the whole entire world who remains active in the church). As I came to accept my orientation, I can relate to an "Identity Tolerance" state where I started seeking out other gay Mormons - and found the Mormon Queerosphere. I've since come out to my wife, I watch gay themed movies on Logo TV - both of which describe the "Identity Acceptance" stage.
So, I'm not sure what you mean by 'flawed example' - please elaborate.
This is a flawed example, Abe, because some of us are fine to pass for straight, and let those who would understand know who and what we really are.
"Passing for straight" means not coming out. These are stages of coming out. No model is perfect, but I think this is a very good summary of what gay people who come all the way out go through.
I would say that the list that you found, Abe is more for those who wish to embrace and engage in homosexual relationships, whereas those like us are happy to stay at acceptance and have a limited amount of disclosure.
I brought up that quote because obviously we're going to disclose to some people our natures, but not everyone, because most Mormon's and straights in general can't understand that we feel the way we do, but live the way we do.
I don't like step 5 "Feel arrogance/pride in new identity and deep rage toward majority culture."
Why does accepting who you are have to include becoming a jerk? I vote for just plain skipping step 5 and going from 4 to 6.
the list that you found, Abe is more for those who wish to embrace and engage in homosexual relationships
[sigh] I suppose you're right. Maybe I should have read the book before posting about it.
But, I think there is some applicability even for those of us who are coming out to ourselves. As I wrote earlier, I can certainly relate with the early stages.
Why does accepting who you are have to include becoming a jerk? I vote for just plain skipping step 5 and going from 4 to 6.
Got my vote. Maybe there are only 5 stages for those of us coming out to ourselves. Somebody should write a book about this.
I certainly went through Stage 5. There were things about that stage that I liked and were very empowering. There were other things about it that I didn't like.
Sometimes it's hard to control how you feel, and that was certainly true for me in that stage of coming out. Just skipping it is easier said that done.
Chris, I will agree with you that the progressions through stages like these are easier said than done, and it's not easy to skip. You hit that one on the head.
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