Reaching new levels

Someone in Austrailia googled signs that you're socially retarded - and was led to my blog.  So, I guess I can now add to my list of attributes that of being a beacon of social retardness.

My life just gets better and better as I reach new levels - unfortunately, I seem to be headed in a downward direction.

"8: The Mormon Proposition" will be playing in Dallas - anyone interested?

Initially I wasn't sure if I wanted to see 8: The Mormon Proposition;  but, I have decided I would like to see it.  It will be in select theaters starting June 18th, including the Angelika theater in Dallas.  According to the web site, the only other place it will be playing in Texas is the Angelika theater in Houston.

This may be futile, but I thought I'd throw the idea out there about getting a small group together from the Dallas/Fort Worth metroplex to go watch the movie - and then maybe dinner after to talk about it.  I know, from my blogging stats, that there are people in Dallas, Fort Worth, and other nearby communities who visit my blog.

Anyway, if you are interested, send me an email (email id on my blog profile).  It's still over a month away, so there is time to think about it.

Essay: Homosexuality - an inconvenient truth

Some say that mainstream religion hates homosexuality.  I disagree, I believe mainstream religion fears homosexuality, largely because they do not know what to do with  us.  We do not seem to 'fit in' with the plan of creation as it is generally understood - yet, we exist.  We're like a bothersome data point that doesn't fit the hypothesis.  To borrow a phrase - we are an inconvenient truth.

In an attempt to justify our existence, some try to conjure up explanations that do not require them to rethink their original beliefs - just like a scientist who tries to explain away an anomalous data point as a measurement or transcription error.  Most of the other data points lead to the same conclusion - so there is, obviously, something wrong with the few that do not.

They try to imagine causes - such as sexual abuse as a young child, or an overbearing mother and a distant father, or excessive masturbation as a teen.  They label it as unnatural - ignorant of the fact that  homosexual behavior has been observed in virtually every animal species.

We are compared to those with mental conditions that lead them to compulsively steal or abuse children - an insulting comparison as it reduces homosexuality as being all about sex.  But doing so makes it easy to focus on certain aspects of gay culture as anecdotal evidence that we are broken or confused.

Some depict homosexuality as emblematic of all that wrong in the world - making homophobia a powerful political force which unites people in a common cause against salacity. We are accused of conspiring to destroy society and force our deviant lifestyle upon the masses - then irony being, that as a gay man married to a straight woman, my homosexual lifestyle is no different than many of those leading the fight against homosexuality.

Two of us joined together in a committed monogamous relationship is considered so vile as to threaten the very foundation of marriage between a man and a woman.

Children must be protected from us, not only physically since, of course, everyone knows that we are all pedophiles - but also from even having awareness of us, fearing that we will recruit them.

So great is their fear of homosexuality that they seek to censure books and other media that include gay characters and/or gay relationships.  Some even go so far as to conjure up homosexual influence where none exists - such as Tinky Winky, Snagglepuss, even Bugs Bunny - and warn others to avoid such influence in their homes.

In some parts of the world - homosexuality is considered so loathsome that extermination is seen as the only solution.

We are mocked and ridiculed.  We are often the brunt of crude jokes.  To be called a queer is the ultimate insult for a man.   We are taught from our youth that being gay is a choice - one so horrid and terrible that some of us are driven to take our own lives rather than face the truth.  The very thought of being gay causes others of us to spend years, even decades, in denial of our true selves.

And yet through all of this - homosexuality continues to exist, even thrive in some quarters.  Why?  Because in spite of all of the lies, falsehoods, and distortions that are disseminated - truth, however inconvenient, has a way of coming out.

Post #500

Well, this was meant to be post #500; however, I've migrated all of my poems from my mormon-enigma-verses blog to this blog (in preparation for deleting the former) - so this is now post #503

I can hardly believe I've prognosticated and bloviated through 500 posts. In celebration, I will now share 500 things about me that you might not know

1. . . . OK, I'm bored
   

I'm not even sure I could think of 500 things; but, I will share a few . . .

• I'm afraid of the dark - specifically, I'm afraid to be alone outside after dark.  I'm OK in the house, as if a flimsy door or window could stop a boogie man; and, I'm OK outside if other people are around - even if I don't actually see them, but I see/hear evidence that they are around.  But, my anxiety level shoots up whenever I find myself alone outside in the dark.
  

• Scary movies give me nightmares.  I'm talking about the suspenseful kind, not the blood and guts kind.  For example, the movie Signs was too scary for me. I don't watch the blood and guts kind either - but that's more because they gross me out rather than anxiety levels.

• Whenever I am checking my blog statistics and I see that someone from Pocatello, Idaho visited my blog, I think of Steve Sandvoss (Elder Aaron Davis in Latter Days is from Pocatello, Idaho).
  

• I think Steve Sandvoss is stunningly beautiful, as is John Barrowman, James Marsden, Milo Ventimigli, and . . . well, I could go on for a long time.

• I enjoy cooking and I'm actually quite good at it; but, I prefer making savory dishes. I'm really not much of a dessert chef.

• I enjoy trying new cuisines and things I've never had before, but there some things I refuse to eat, such as:  Organ meats, Octopus, and squid heads (although I love calamari) .  But, I have tried a number of exotic foods, such as snails and steak tartar
  

• I love sushi.  I love to make sushi.  I'm not much of a sushi chef, so my homemade sushi doesn't look as nice as those you get in sushi restaurants, but they taste pretty good.  Yes, I do use raw fish in my homemade sushi.  An upscale grocery store in the area carries sushi grade salmon, tuna, and eel in their seafood department.
  

• My wife hates sushi (she doesn't like fish in general, but she especially loathes sushi); so, I don't get it very often.  Fortunately (for me), most of my children, and their spouses, love sushi.
  

• Growing up as a boy, my mom often sang to me and encouraged me to sing; but, when my voice started changing at the onset of puberty, I quit singing and refused to even try.  Although, I was musical and learned to play a number of different instruments.  It wasn't until college, when I joined the LDS church, that I began singing again.

• I'm a decent singer - I can sing loud and I have a good musical ear so I sing on-key.  But, I don't like the tonal quality of my voice; so, I avoid singing solo.  I don't even like singing in small groups (duets, trio's, etc.).  I have a blending voice, I blend well with others.
  

• In general, I prefer the sound of the male singing voice
  

• I love going to Home Depot and Lowes. 
  

• I'm pretty handy with tools and try to do all of my own home repairs and improvement.  But, I do know my limits and will call in a professional when I'm in over my head - such as plumbing.
  

• I'm totally clueless when it comes to cars.  I've never even opened the hood on my Nissan Cube.
  

• I absolutely hate changing oil on a car - and I refuse to do it.  I can't stand getting that black oily grit on my hands.  But, I don't mind digging in the garden with my bare hands, cutting up raw chicken and other meats, or changing poopy diapers - go figure.

• I also hate shopping for clothes (does this mean I have to turn in my gay card?).  But, I do love going into camera stores, hobby stores, etc.
  

• My feet are 9-1/2 EEE - do you know how hard it is finding shoes in EEE width?  I'm also flat footed.
  

• I enjoy reading my morning newspaper while eating breakfast (the last of a dying breed, I suppose).  My favorite section is the comics.  Our local daily newspaper has two full pages of comics.  I don't know why, but I always read them backwards - I start on page 2 and read them bottom to top and then page 1 bottom to top.  But, the Sunday comics I read normally.
  

• I didn't start shaving until I was older.  On my mission (I was 21 years old when I left, since I didn't join the LDS church until I was nearly 19) I only had to shave every other day.  Even now, having blond hair, I can miss a day without it being too noticeable unless you're up close.  I rarely shave on Saturday's.

• In general, I don't like facial hair on guys (or girls, for that matter); although, I think a little stubble can be sexy (on guys, not girls)

• I don't like tattoos or other body modifications
  

• But I do think earrings on a guy can be attractive
  

• Girls scare me, especially teenage girls.  They scared me when I was a teenager and I've never gotten over it.

btw, I've shared this before; but, here is my current favorite YouTube video,  If my ward does a talent show this year - I'm going to try to put together a quartet to perform this.  Yes, I know, I don't like singing in small groups - but this is just too good to pass up.




I also really like this YouTube video; but, somehow, I don't think it would go over too well in a church talent show. Although, it would be fun to see the expressions on everyones faces :)
>

Remembering my mother

Growing up, I was always closer to my mother than to my father.  Not that my father and I had a bad relationship - we just didn't have as close of a bond as there was between my mother and I.  I am the youngest of 6 children which made my mother 37 years old when I was born; so, she was always older than the mothers of my friends.  Her hair also turned gray at an early age (before I was born) giving her an even more matronly look.  When younger, I would sometimes tell my friends that she was my grandmother - something I'm not particularly proud of today.

Mother was short (about 5' 2") and feisty.  She was a strong woman - she had to be as she raised my 3 older siblings alone while my father was away fighting in WW2; there were periods of time when she didn't know if he was dead or alive.  Myself growing up in the Vietnam era, I realize now that she knew war for much of her life.

My parents eloped while she was in nursing school.  She would tell stories of climbing out the window of her dorm at night so that she could spend the night with her husband.  Eventually she got caught and was kicked out of school.  When I was 9 years old, she went back to nursing school.  Upon graduation, she started working as a visiting nurse.

We lived in the small town of Boulder Creek, California and many of her patients were elderly living in nearby Santa Cruz.  During the summer months, I would sometimes go with her on her route and go to the beach to play in the tidepools while she tended her patients.

When she was younger, she was told that she would likely be blind by adulthood and was counseled to learn some sort of trade that she could do without sight.  So, she became and avid knitter.  The predicted blindness never came; but, she continued knitting throughout her life.  I was always amazed at how she could sit watching TV and carrying on a conversation while knitting complex designs without ever having to look down at what she was doing.  She also did a lot of sewing.  Growing up, most of the shirts I wore were homemade.

There is a 6 year gap between me and the next siblings; so, by the time I got into middle school I was the only child left at home.  By the time I got into high school, her sewing turned to doll clothes for the grandchildren.  Then she started buying dolls at garage sales and making new clothes for them to donate to needy children.

As I've shared before, I am a convert to the LDS church, having been baptized while in college.  My parents were dead set against me serving a mission and my father refused to provide any financial support for what he considered a satanic cult.  However, my mother wrote to me faithfully every week during my mission, occasionally including a $10 or $20 bill in the letter - unbeknownst to my father.

When I started dating the girl who would later become my wife, my parents embraced her and welcomed her into the family.  They were there to celebrate our wedding - in spite of not being able to attend the temple sealing.  When our first child was born, they drove 1½ hours to be with us at the hospital - even though grandparenthood was not new to them seeing as how my oldest daughter was their 11th grandchild.

While my oldest 2 children were just 2 & 3 years old, I was transferred to Texas where we've lived ever since.  The distance meant that visits with my parents were infrequent but cherished.

My mother died a few years ago after a bout with cancer.  During this time of the year, I miss her very much.  I know she was proud of me; but, I regret never having told her about the type of son I really am - her gay son.  Looking back at some things that happened while in high school, I realize now that she must have had her suspicions (something I may blog about one day).  I firmly believe she would have continued to embrace me had I accepted myself at an earlier age and chosen a gay path rather than a Mormon (in denial) path.

During the month of May, let us all take time to remember and honor our mothers.

Blogging overload

I think I've taken this blogging thing much further than it was ever meant to be taken.  You see, this isn't my only blog.  When I created this blog, I also created Mormon Enigma Recipes and Mormon Enigma Poems.  There are also, of course, the MoHo Directory and MoHo Polls blogs.  But, beyond that, I also have a private blog.

Did I stop there?  Heaven's no!  I also have a personal blog under my real name where I mostly talk about cooking and gardening.  And, most recently, I started a blog about the Epson R2880 printer to share tips and tricks about how to get the most from it (which produces very beautiful fine art prints, btw)

In case anybody lost count - that's 8 - count them, 8 - blogs.  Can we say "blogging addiction"?  Is there some sort of 12 step program I need to join?

I'm not going to leave the blogging world altogether - but I just can't keep up with this many blogs any more.  The end result is that I don't do any of them justice.  Something has to give - but which blogs should stay and which ones need to go?  And, for the latter, do I leave them up for posterity sake?  Or should I delete them altogether?

A Mormon Enigma - This is my first foray into the world of blogging; and, it has been instrumental in my self discovery as I endeavor to figure out what it means to be married, Mormon, and gay.  But, I am beginning to wonder if Abelard's time is coming to and end.  The name of this blog "A Mormon Enigma", my pseudonym "Abelard", even my emailid "wistfulmormon" all reflect how I felt 3-1/2 years ago - but they are not an accurate reflection for where I am today.  So, I have a couple of decisions to make:  1) do I continue blogging about my thoughts about being married, Mormon, and gay?  And, if so, do I continue blogging as Abelard?  Or should I leave Abelard behind and create a brand new blog with a brand new persona - one that is a more accurate portrayal for where I am today on my journey?  Do I even need to hide behind a persona?  Perhaps it's time to start being a little more 'out' - maybe start blogging using my real first name with the ultimate goal of becoming totally out in the open.  Decisions, decisions, decisions.

Mormon Enigma Recipes - I created this blog for the simple purpose of sharing favorite recipes.  I haven't updated this blog in a couple of years as I now use my personal blog for recipe sharing.  I'll probably delete this blog once I move all of the recipes over to my personal blog.

Mormon Enigma Poems -When I first accepted my homosexuality, I wrote several poems in my personal journal.  I'm not suggesting they are of any literary value - but they reflected the feelings I had at the time.  I don't want to delete the poems; but, I'm thinking I'll merge them into another blog and delete this blog.

MoHo Polls - This started out as just something fun, but I think it's outgrowing it's entertainment value - fewer people are taking the polls, and I keep coming up blank on new polling ideas.  Frankly, of all my blogs - this one is the most likely to be axed.  So, the real question here is leave it or delete it.  Although, if someone else wants to take it over then I'm more than willing to pass the reins.

MoHo Directory - I'm fairly certain this one will survive the cut as I believe it fulfills a need.  Plus, I don't really have to devote much time to it since I don't actually post to it.  Maintaining this blog has become even easier as I've started receiving emails from fellow MoHo's alerting me to new blogs to add.  But, if anyone wants to help maintain this blog then I would most certainly welcome the assistance - even if it's just sending me emails alerting me to new blogs you've encountered.  But, it would be nice to have a co-administrator - another set of eyes to add new blogs.

Private blog - This started out as a place for me to share thoughts that I just wasn't comfortable sharing on my Mormon Enigma blog.  It's a private blog using my real name and is a place where I share my raw, unfiltered self rather than the filtered persona that Abelard has evolved into.  Although 'share' is a bit of a misnomer as there are only two other people that have been invited to read this blog.  I guess it really amounts to more of a personal diary.  I'm perplexed about what to do with this blog.  On one hand it hasn't really turned out as I originally envisioned it - I haven't even posted to it in several months.  On the other hand, I'm not totally adverse to exposing my real self to others.  So, if you're interested then send me an email and I'll consider sending you an invite.  No promises, as I haven't decided if I'm even ready to open it up to more people, but you'll stand a better chance if you tell me why you want to see this raw side of me.

Personal blog focusing on cooking and gardening - this is the blog I share with family and friends.  It's also become my own personal cookbook as I share recipes that I've developed.  I would like to have more time to devote to this blog.  I'd also like to focus more on my photography on this blog.  So, of all my blogs this is the most likely to stay around.  But, it's not a place where I'm comfortable sharing the gay stuff. 

Personal blog focusing on the Epson R2880 printer - This is my newest blog where I share my own personal experiences with the Epson R2880 printer as well as useful bits that I've gleaned elsewhere on the internet.  It's been helpful to me; and, I think it will be helpful to other users of the Epson R2880 printer; but, I expect the amount of time I spend on it will greatly diminish over time.

I'm not in any big hurry to do anything - and I certainly don't want to do anything rash.  But, expect to see some changes in the coming weeks and months.

It would be nice if I could merge some of the blogs.  For example, I'd like to be able to publish private posts that only certain people could see and eliminate my private blog.  Is there some other blogging tool (besides blogger) that allows for this?

BTW, If anybody wants to see my personal blogs then send me an email and I'll send you a link. They're both public blogs; but, I use my real name; so, I'm just not comfortable linking to them from this blog.  For those of you who are my Facebook friends, I include links to my personal blogs on my Facebook profile.  If any of you are on Facebook and would like to be my friend then send me an email and I'll send you a friend request.

I think this is sweet

Gay activism

I'm really not much of a political activist.  I do have a very strong sense of where I stand on most political issues; although, I don't generally try to influence others to my political leanings.  If people ask me questions about a political issue then I'll answer them honestly; but, I don't generally bring it up.

That said, on the subject of gay rights, I've added a new gadget on the sidebar to show several gay news and commentary blogs that I follow so as to keep my finger on the pulse of what's going on in the gay community.  I certainly don't always agree with everything said; but, I like to read multiple points of view before forming my own opinion.

What I am sensing is that many in the gay community are increasingly feeling like the democrats are throwing them under the bus - that they gladly accepted their political contributions, but have since been sitting on their hands when it comes to gay issues, like DADT, DOMA, ENDA, and others.

I'm not trying to suggest that republican should be the party of choice for gay folk - there is certainly rampant homophobia among those of conservative leanings.  But, at least, we know where we stand with conservatives - instead of hearing nice words with no action behind them.  The unfortunate truth is, while the democrats may be throwing the gays under the bus, it's often the republicans driving the bus.

This is a bit dated; but, John Aravosis on AmericaBlog has an interesting oped in which he says

"When conservatives are standing up for gays, and Democrats treat us like we are an embarrassment, there's a problem."

"No one wants Sarah Palin to be President. But we're talking about our civil rights. I think a lot of straight Democrats don't get that. They see out and proud gay people, a lot of us have good jobs, nice clothes, get to travel the world (and a lot of us don't, but they don't ever meet them), so they think our civil rights battle is some kind of champagne party to us, as if we're doing it for fun because we really have everything we could ever want. Well, anyone who thinks that didn't grow up gay. They didn't grow up thinking they were a pervert. That they were sick. That they'd never find love, never get married, never have children or a family of their own - because God made them wrong. They didn't grow up thinking they'd have to kill themselves once they hit the age of 30 because they'd be single, and people would 'figure out' that they were gay, and then they'd lose all their friends and family and their job and career. And they knew they couldn't live with that."

"That last point is important. Pick any political issue, any political constituency, and ask yourself how many of those issues, how many of those people, considered killing themselves over their issue. Not a lot, I'm guessing. Now you're starting to understand why gay civil rights advocates, why gay people, care so fervently about their "issue." It's not just an issue for us. It's our lives."

"We're talking about our lives. And when the Republicans increasingly say the right things, like repealing Don't Ask Don't Tell now, and even supporting marriage, and all the Democrats show is political homophobia, gays get the message."

Now, I think asserting gay activism to be a matter of life and death is a bit over the top - but I do think he makes a good point in that gay rights, or lack thereof, generally has a more profound personal effect on it's supporters than other political issues.

I also think that, with a few exceptions, straight folk generally do not have much understanding of what gay rights is all about - which makes it easy for opponents of gay rights to spread so much FUD (Fear, Uncertainty, and Doubt) without having any substance to back up their claims.  I mean, seriously, do people actually believe all of that drivel about homosexuality that gets spouted over podiums and pulpits?  Sadly, the answer is 'yes'.

I don't know what the answers are; but, I will say that Harvey Milk's 'coming out' speech has haunted me ever since I saw the movie Milk

We will not win our rights by staying quietly in our closets... We are coming out to fight the lies, the myths, the distortions. We are coming out to tell the truths about gays, for I am tired of the conspiracy of silence, so I'm going to talk about it. And I want you to talk about it. You must come out. Come out to your parents, your relatives
- Harvey Milk in a 1978 speech

So why am I so afraid to step out of my closet?

Update

I've been such a terrible blogger lately.  And I've got the blogging stats to prove it.  Hits to my blog have dropped dramatically.  If it weren't for people googling about Kris Allen being a Mormon, I probably wouldn't get hardly any hits at all these days.

Speaking of American Idol, they sent one of our Texas boys, Tim Urban, home last week on American Idol.  Can't say I was surprised; although, to be fair, he did improve the last couple of weeks.  I will have to say that he did make some nice eye candy.  I think our last remaining Texas boy, Casey James, will be safe this week; but, I doubt he'll make it to the final three.  Personally, I think it's going to come down to Crystal Bowersox and Michael Lynche - with the former being my personal favorite.

I survived the water heater fiasco.  After the plumber left (taking his cute assistant with him [sigh]), I took a picture of the new hot water heater with my phone and texted it to my wife and children - confirming in their minds that I am, indeed, totally weird.  The new one sits higher due to newer city codes that weren't in effect in 1983 when the old one was installed.  So, I also lost a shelf in the process since it had to be removed.  I think I need to call the plumber back, however, because the hot water pressure seems lower than it was before.  Maybe he'll bring his cute assistant back with him :)

My wife is back home from California where she was visiting with our daughter who just had our 5th grandchild.  I think the hardest part about the water heater incident wasn't the money or the hassle, but was having to deal with everything by myself.

My temporary job at Walmart came to an end last week.  The grand re-opening was last Friday.  They offered a few people permanent jobs; but, nobody has said anything to me.  But, I'm OK as it's not like Walmart was my dream career; plus, most of the jobs they offered were for night shift stocking or maintenance.  So, now it's back to unemployment.

In other news, Glee is back!!!  As is Modern Family, Fringe, and Stargate Universe.  I'm not a big Madonna fan; but, I will have to say that the Glee Madonna episode was, musically, one of their best.  I wasn't as excited about last nights episode; but, it's still one of the best shows on TV.  Speaking of Glee, one of our very own Mormon Queerosphere members is auditioning for Glee - David Baker.  Visit his blog for more info, and then go view his video's, vote, do whatever it takes to help him be noticed.

I'm not completely caught up on RuPaul's Drag Race season 2.   I was saddened when they my personal favorite, Pandora Box, home. I was also sad when they sent Anthony home on Project Runway.  But, I do agree - he needs to grow a bit more.  Personally, I think Emilo should have won - but what do I know?!?

Not much else going on in the life of Abelard.  My vegetable garden is doing well.  I'm especially excited for the strawberries which wintered over and have strawberries on them - now if I can figure out a way to keep the birds from eating them when they ripen.  Most of the herbs in my herb garden also wintered over - it was nice being able to use fresh herbs throughout the winter months.  The only herbs I had to replant was basil - which was expected.  Well, I should clarify that basil was the only herb I HAD to replant - I went on a quest to find some Mexican Oregano which resulted in me now having 4 kinds of oregano:  Italian, Cuban, Hot & Spicy, and (finally) Mexican - which isn't even a true oregano, being more closely related to verbena.  Anyway, if you find yourself driving through Texas and have a need for some fresh herbs - give me a holler.

From bad to worse

Last night I walked past my front door and happened to notice that there was water running out of the garage.  "This can't be good" I thought - upon checking it out, there was water running out from the hot water heater.  Apparently, it sprung a leak and was flooding the garage.  I got the water intake turned off which stopped the flow.

So, this morning I had to stay home from work to deal with having no hot water for a shower, calling a plumber to come replace it, and cleaning up the mess in the garage.  It's the original hot water heater for the house, making it 26 years old.  So, I guess we got good service from it.   But, it's $1,000 expenditure to replace that I really cannot afford right now. 

Not to mention that I am moving to the day shift at Walmart starting this week.  Not showing up for work is such a great way to make a good first impression with the new boss.  I did call in, but still ...

Mind you, our microwave started smoking a couple of months ago and the broiler in our oven no longer works.  I find myself wondering which major appliance is next.

I was finally reaching a point where I was starting to feel like I really need to lift myself out of this funk that I'm in - and then BAM! - something else slams me down again.  I just don't want to do this anymore.  I want my old life back - the one where I had a job that pulled in enough money to pay the bills and handle little emergencies like this.

My only consolation was the plumbers young assistant ... who ... um ... was some nice eye candy.

Cowardice

I am such a big Coward.

First, I guess, some background info is necessary . . .

About 3 years ago, when I was first coming to terms with being gay, I was once searching to see what sort of gay culture existed in the Dallas/Fort Worth area; and, lo and behold, I found a gay photographers club.  I love photography and I wanted to meet other gay people - so I joined.  But, this was at a time when I wasn't yet able to utter the words "I'm gay"; so, I never told the other members of the club that I was gay too (their bylaws said they were open to gay and straight photographers).  Being married and Mormon, I'm sure they all just assumed that I was straight.  The club meetings were sporadic at best and attendance dropped off significantly - until it was just down to two of us, Carlos and me.  Essentially, the club no longer exists, but Carlos and I have continued to get together every two or 3 months for lunch and to discuss what we've been doing with our photography.

Well, April is when the Texas bluebonnets are in bloom (our state flower) and I've been wanting to get some good bluebonnet pictures.  The town of Ennis (about 45 miles South of Dallas) is the self proclaimed bluebonnet capital of Texas  Not wanting to go alone (since my wife is in California visiting our daughter who just had a baby), I contacted Carlos to see if he was interested in going.  So, yesterday, Carlos and I loaded up our gear into my Nissan Cube and drove down to Ennis and then spent all day driving around back country roads looking for fields of bluebonnets to photograph.  It was a fun day, I think I got some good pictures (including the one I attached to this post), and I was exhausted when I got home last night.

The thing is, I want to tell Carlos that I am gay.  Maybe he suspects already, I don't know, but I doubt it.  The married to a woman thing makes it easy to hide in plain sight.  But, I just can't seem to get the words out of my mouth "hey Carlos, guess what, I'm gay too."

I really don't know why I want to tell him so bad. On one hand, I think it's a good thing that we have two gay guys with a common interest getting together and we don't discuss anything gay. We're gay, but that doesn't rule our lives.

On the other hand, I want him to feel comfortable talking more about his personal life with his partner (with whom he's been together for 7 years). I want to be able to talk to him about gay life in Dallas, how his family handles him being gay, and that sort of stuff.

So, why is it so hard to tell him that I'm gay too?  It's not like I'm afraid he's going to be homophobic.  I just don't know how to bring it up.  How can I ever hope to be open with my straight family and friends if I can't even tell my gay friends?

Hence, I'm just a big coward!

April theme: Rules to live by

Over the centuries society has established certain rules - a code of conduct - pertaining to relationships.  Rules that govern proper behavior - rules created with a heterosexual mind set.

For example, it's generally accepted that a happily married man does not fraternize with other women lest he be guilty of impropriety.  But what if the man doesn't view women in "that way".  What if she really is "just a friend" with absolutely zero chance that the relationship could lead to inappropriate behaviors?  Is it still wrong for him to spend time alone with her (just as a straight guy might spend time alone with his male friends)?  For that matter, is it wrong for a gay man in a mixed orientation marriage to spend time alone with his male friends?  Does it matter if said male friends are straight or gay?

Another example:  My wife and I were out driving around when I pointed out a new restaurant called "Bone Daddy's" as one I'd like to try some day.  My wife replied that she had heard that it was like "Hooters" except they served ribs instead of chicken wings.  To which I countered "if I ever go there - trust me, I really am there for the food."  Good Mormon boys don't go to places with scantily clad voluptuous women - but what if you're a Mormon boy who is impervious to womanly wiles?  Should the same rules apply?

On the flip side, there are situations that are completely innocuous for a straight guy - but which might prove challenging for the gay guy - such as a weekend camping trip with a friend..

This illustrates a problem we have in the homosexual community - the old established rules don't always apply to us in the same way.  It's like trying to play Parcheesi on a Chess board.  The problem we face is that it's only in recent history that homosexuality is beginning to be recognized as a valid human condition. 

This can leave us feeling like we are stuck between a rock and a hard place.  We are expected to comply with societal rules that make sense for straight guys - but, at the same time, there are other things we should be careful with because they present valid temptations that could lead us to making bad choices.  It's a double standard - we are expected to comply with all of their rules - but they are immune from compliance with our rules - rules which we often have to make up as we go along.  We get the worst of both worlds.

I recall once watching a documentary on Logo TV about a Christian summer camp - for gay kids.  One of the challenges they faced was with sleeping arrangements.  Summer camps normally segregate boys and girls - but what if you have a bunch of boys who like boys and girls who like girls?  Their solution - they had all the kids slept together in one room, boys and girls.  Different rules for a different situation.

For the April theme, consider your own personal situation (out or closeted, single or in a same sex relationship, in a MOM, etc.) - what rules does society set for you that seem extraneous or inappropriate?  What existing rules should apply to you and others in a similar situation?  What new rules might apply to your situation?

My spiritual state

A couple of weeks ago a young man, who was leaving to serve a mission, spoke in church.  I know this young man well, having been his youth adviser.  As he spoke the thought occurred to me - wondering if I will still be sitting there in church when he returns back home in 2 years.  As I sat there pondering that thought, my eyes started to well up and tears started to trickle down my cheek - upon the realization of the possibility that I may no longer be an active member of the LDS church within two years.

I really do not have any desire to leave the LDS church.  In fact, it saddens me to even think about it.  Over all the church has been good for me and my family. But the harsh reality is that the path that I am on no longer lines up with that of the LDS church.

The obvious answer is that I should repent - that is, I should make adjustments in my life so as to get back in line with the LDS church. But, that's easier said than done.  The LDS church teaches that the first step in the repentance process is to recognize that you have sinned; and, I just can't seem to get past that first step.  Mind you, I'm not trying to claim that I don't make mistakes.  But in the events that have led up to me being on a diverging path - I just don't see where I've made some sort of grand error.

About 3-1/2 years ago I finally ended a lifetime of denial and accepted the fact that I am gay - and that set into motion a series of events that brought me to where I am today, including starting this blog, making new friends, and reexamining where I stood on gay related issues.

During this same time period, the LDS church took steps to solidify where it stands on gay issues.  They released a pamphlet telling me that God loves me and that it's OK to be gay - so long as I don't have gay sex, don't think about gay sex, don't exhibit gay mannerisms or flaunt my gay characteristics and don't have gay friends.  And, while not specifically addressed in said pamphlet, they really do not want me to call myself 'gay' - preferring that I 'struggle with same gender attraction'.

On the issue of gay marriage:  I started out opposing gay marriage but supported civil unions - and I've evolved into being a firm supporter of gay marriage.  While the LDS church has made it abundantly clear that they consider gay marriage to be the biggest threat to 'traditional' (i.e. male/female) marriage in the world today.  They have also claimed that societal acceptance of gay marriage threatens their free speech right to oppose it.

The bottom line is:  The LDS church and I just don't see eye to eye anymore.  With mormonism being an "all or nothing" sort of religion - that's a problem, a very big problem.  Once I start questioning the LDS church in some things, it leads me to question it in other areas as well.  For example, how do I resolve an account of the creation that puts the world at a few thousand years old with scientific evidence that it is, in fact, millions of years old?  Gender is supposed to be an eternal characteristic; so, what about those who are born with both male and female genitalia and whose gender is "assigned" by doctors?

On the subject of gay marriage, consider two hypothetical situations

A) A gay male couple have been together for years and live in a committed monogamous loving relationship

B) A heterosexual couple get married in Vegas in a drunken stupor

According to LDS teachings, God is OK with couple B having sex but not couple A.  I'm sorry, but I just don't buy it.  It does not compute.  As I ponder this in my mind, the LDS position only gives me stupor of thought.

Don't get me wrong, I still think the LDS church, overall, is a force for good in the world.  I fully support its commitment to family - where we disagree is what constitutes a family.

Nor am I suggesting that my leaving the LDS church is a foregone conclusions - I'm just saying that the path that I am on is diverging from that of the LDS church and, if nothing changes, eventual separation will be the logical outcome.  I also realize that if anything is to change this direction - it will have to be with me as it is highly unlikely I will see any major changes in the LDS church philosophy in my lifetime.

There is a difference between doing what is right and doing what is easy.  The easy thing would be for me to reject my own thoughts and feelings and just accept the LDS church, and what it says, at face value.  The easy thing would be to go back to my old life - living in denial.  But is that the right thing to do?  Or, is the right thing to follow my heart?

Most TBM's (True Believing Mormon's) would tell me that I've got this backwards - that the easy thing would be for me to follow my own feelings and that the difficult path would be to follow the church - but those people do not know me!  They have not walked in my shoes.  They do not understand my commitment to my own family.  In many ways, going back to my old way of thinking - pretending that this gay thing was just a phase, a mid-life crisis - would be the easy thing to do.  But, could I look at myself in the mirror every morning?

I continue going through the motions.  I attend church every week, I sing in the choir, I stay after the block of meetings to help put away chairs and clean up the building.  In private I abstain from alcohol, tobacco, coffee and tea, I abstain from eating two meals on Fast Sunday.  We pray together (although private prayers and scripture reading have gone by the wayside).  My wife, who handles our finances, writes a tithing check every month which I give to the bishop.  From all outward appearances I am a good Mormon - but only in body, not in spirit.

My heart yearns to worship with others who will accept me for who I really am - not who I pretend to be.  I want to commune with brothers and sisters whom I don't have to worry about making unkind and untrue homophobic comments and who don't consider my very existence to be a threat to their families and way of life.

I'm tired of sitting in a crowded room - and feeling all alone.

Update

It's been a while since I posted anything to my blog - it's been even longer since I posted anything meaningful and/or insightful (and the wait will continue even after this blog post).  Although, I do find myself wondering if anybody - other than the two MoHo's I've been in email contact with - even missed me.  I'm not wallowing in self pity (well, maybe I am, just a little) - I realize that with blog readers, the MoHo directory, etc. - there really isn't much of a need to go check a blog for updates.  It's like having a neighbor down the street whom you see occasionally out watering his garden - do you ever notice when he's not out watering?  I can't complain because I'm just as guilty with other MoHo blogs.

So, what's been happening in the life of Abelard?

First off - I got a job.  But, hold off any celebrating or applauding - it's a temporary job - at our local Walmart while they are going through a major remodeling.  Basically, I move merchandise from the old location to the new location (sometimes to a temporary location if the new location isn't ready yet) and then help tear down the old shelves when empty.  It pays peanuts - but it's more than I make sitting at home sending endless job applications that all just seem to end up in the round filing cabinet.  Bottom line:  A year ago I was in a comfortable job making a 6 digit salary - today I'm a Walmart associate.

In other news - I was a victim of identity theft. It seems someone got hold of my debit card number and then went around to a bunch of Walmart and Walgreen stores - up in Iowa - charging a couple of hundred at each until they emptied my debit account - to the tune of several thousand dollars. The good news is that it looks like I'll be getting it all back. I'll know for certain after April 4th which is the last day the stores have to challenge my dispute. They didn't have my pin - just the card number, probably stolen by an employee from some store I did business with; and, the stores they went to were, evidently, not asking for a picture ID - which makes them liable.

So, basically, my life really sucks right now. My job at Walmart is physically demanding and I just feel tired all the time. I work the 2pm to 11pm shift; although, some days it's well after midnight by the time I get home and crash in bed.  It seems like most days all I do is sleep, eat, and go to work - repeat.  The good news is that I get paid time and a half for overtime - the bad news is that 1-1/2 peanuts is still measly.

If I do a good job and they like me, it's possible I'll be offered permanent employment when the remodel is complete - and the worst part?  I'll actually consider it.  Nobody else wants to give me the time of day.  And, since being unemployed for nearly a year is decimating my savings - I'm probably going to have to work until the day I die.  I'm pretty much giving up on the idea of becoming a teacher.  At this point, I'm willing to do just about anything, as long as somebody is willing to pay me to do it (and has a health insurance plan).  Maybe I should start rehearsing in front of a mirror - "would you like fry's with that?"

Why does god hate me so?  Is it the gay thing?  But, since he made me this way, maybe he just has a cruel sense of humor.

March theme: First meaningful kiss

It has been suggested that the theme for March be your first meaningful kiss.

Personally, I'm not really sure what to say on this topic. Thing is, I really do not like kissing.  It's slimy, messy, and just generally icky.  Although, in truth, I've only kissed girls - two girls to be specific.  One girl whom I briefly dated in high school, and the girl who later became my wife.

I sometimes wonder if my aversion to kissing is more specifically an aversion to kissing girls.  But, since I'm committed to remaining faithful to my wife, I guess I'll never know.

[big sigh]

Anyway, for those of you more into kissing than I - tell us about your first time when fireworks lit up the sky.