A couple of weeks ago, in my blog posting titled Secrets, a blog reader named Brett commented:
Some of the language you've come to use and ideas you're growing to embrace are much more reminiscent of the Affirmation crowd than one who is as committed to the Church and your family as you say you are.Ouch! That stings!
To be honest, when I first read that comment from Brett, I didn't really think much of it. I just figured everyone is entitled to their own opinions. But, then my wife made a similar observation recently. She said that she is concerned about my increasingly leftist views. It causes me to sit up and take notice when two people make similar observations: One who knows me intimately, one who only knows me via my blog.
The thing is, I'm not sure I understand what either of them are referring to. I asked my wife for examples of where my views are moving to the left. She brought up a couple of examples, however I was able to point to things that I've always said on those topics demonstrating that my views those particular topics haven't changed. She conceded that the examples she gave were bad examples, but it is just a feeling she has.
I don't feel like I'm changing that much. My views on what it means to be gay have certainly been evolving the last few months. But, I don't perceive that spilling over into other aspects of my life. I'm still very conservative in my political views (I actually like President Bush). I'm just as active in church as I've always been, if not more active (Saturday was the first time in a while that I actually wanted to go to the priesthood session of general conference). I still struggle with the same things that I've always struggle with (for example, I've never been very good at doing my home teaching). Yet, something must be different about me.
I can rationalize each of these comments individually For Brett, I could tell myself that the persona that comes across in my blog is not an accurate reflection for who I really am. For my wife, I could tell myself that she is being overly sensitive right now since she just recently learned she is married to a gay husband, so she is making a big deal out of little things. But, I'm not sure I can rationalize these two comments together.
What is it about me that other people are seeing that I'm not seeing? Has the devil cheated my soul and is leading me carefully down to hell? (paraphrased from 2 Nephi 28:21)
I've always been messed up in some ways, and I still am. But, overall, I'm much more content with my life now than I was before I accepted the fact that I'm gay. My wife has even commented on a couple of occasions that I seem happier now than I was several months ago. I don't want to go back to the way I was in those dark depressing pre-gay days. Maybe I am changing. But, is that a bad thing? Even if I am changing, I still love my wife and family, and I still love the church. And, I don't want to do anything that might jeopardize either my marriage or my standing in the church.
I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. And still just as confused as ever.