Campbell wants to be my friend

I just got an email that says Campbell would like to be added as one of my MySpace friends!

I had forgotten I even had a MySpace account. I don't even remember why I set one up in the first place. But, I've never done anything with it. I only have one Friend named "Tom" who, I guess, is everybody's friend.

Personally, I think Tom is way cuter than Campbell! Sorry Campbell, your plunging neck line and pouty lips have no effect on me - ha ha. I have foiled your evil plot!

Denied!!!

The Hug Shirt

Check out The Hug Shirt which is a Bluetooth accessory for Java enabled mobile phones for sending hugs remotely.

Maybe we could get a group discount.

In? Or out?

I feel a bit like Tevye from Fiddler on the Roof. The scene where the villagers are talking about the disturbing news from other villages and what they should do. Tevye declares "He's right!" And, when Perchik offers an opposing point of view, he says "He's right!" And, when someone else points out they can't both be right, Tevye declares "He's right too!"

I've been following iwonder's blog and his decision to totally come out. While my comments on his blog have urged caution - I can't deny that there is a teeny part of me that wants to do the same. A tiny part that is cheering him on "you go girl!" A small part of me that is tired of pretending to be a heterosexual.

It's not like I want to put my wifes clothes on and go skipping among the tulips. It's little things. For instance, the other day I was talking with some guys at church when someone, out of the blue, started talking about some basketball team. Here we were, having this meaningful conversation solving all of the problems in the world; and, he cut me out of the discussion. I just wanted to say "hello - gay!" A while back my daughter was talking about her friends families (many of whom grew up with divorced parents, etc.). She then declared "I think our family is the only normal one!" I wanted to ask "The family with the gay dad is the most normal one?"

But, for me, there is a huge roadblock: My children. Telling my wife that I'm gay was hard enough. The thought of telling my children absolutely terrifies me. And, just how does one go about making such an announcement to adult children (and their spouses)?

Well kids, I have an announcement:
Your dad's a fag - always has been.

Hon, what's for dinner?

I have read others stories from men telling their adult children after 20+ years of marriage - but it was always in conjunction with an announcement that they are getting divorced. The idea of coming out to adult children while remaining committed to the marriage seems to be uncharted waters. And, I'm not that much of an adventurer.

But, what if I were to be outed? I have already made the commitment that if I ever think my children may hear rumors of me being gay that I will tell them - because I think I owe it to them to hear it from me rather than as a rumor. So, what if someone who knows me happens upon my blog and puts two and two together? Brrrr, it's probably better if I don't think about that possibility.

BTW, check out this video:

http://web.mac.com/gcnjustin/iWeb/Musical/gcn2007.html

It is a skit from a GCN (Gay Christian Network) gathering. It is a musical parody of the ex-Gay movement titled "Straight to Heaven". It uses a lot of show tunes; one of the songs is apropos to this discussion: "Your son will come out, tomorrow."

I will warn you, the file is about 135MB. The skit is about an hour long and requires Apple Quicktime player. Personally, I think the skit has a powerful message. It parodies both ex-gays and gays living "the lifestyle" and has a message that there are other choices. Just because you're gay doesn't mean you can't be a Christian and have Christian values. I think that in our little corner of the queerosphere, we have a similar message. Just because we're gay doesn't mean we can't be Mormons and hold Mormon values.

You think WE have problems?

You think it's hard being gay and Mormon?

I saw this in an article titled "Are You Normal or Nuts?" in the June 2007 issue of "Readers Digest"

Q I hate choosing things. When I grab a spoon out of the drawer, I have a hard time picking one, even though they're all the same. Then, when I finally choose a spoon, I feel bad for all the others. I even sort of apologize to them: "Sorry, guys, Next time!" Is this weird?

Young gay Mormon whippersnappers

I saw this and I thought of all you young gay Mormon whippersnappers.

Married, Mormon, and Gay

Well, I've had my interview with -L- about what it's like to be Married, Mormon, and Gay for over 25 years. I've slept since then. Now I thought I might share some additional thoughts on the topic.

As I said in the interview, I've been Married and Mormon for 27 years, but it's only been relatively recently since I've accepted the Gay part. I've been gay all that time too, of course. But, I just wouldn't accept it. How could someone be a good Mormon boy and be gay at the same time? And a married guy at that! It just doesn't make sense - it does not compute.

It still doesn't make sense to me - but now I'm OK with that. To my little brain, it is analogous to the story of the Garden of Edan. I believe in a literal garden of Edan as described in the scriptures. But, I also believe in dinosaurs living here on Earth millions of years ago and ancient civilizations. Just because I can't make sense of it doesn't mean that this all doesn't make sense to God somehow.

In a recent post, Max Power spoke of Emotional Immaturity. It may come as a bit of a surprise, especially to some of the single gay Mormons, but I feel that way too. MoHoHawaii once commented on this and referred to it as a gay adolescence. It is something many of us go through, especially those of us who accepted our gayness late in life. I think the best way to deal with this is to look at the counsel we give to real adolescents (for lack of a better term).

• We need to wait until we are sufficiently mature before we start to build relationships with those to whom we are attracted to. For teens, 16 is the magic age where we say they can start dating. But, I don't know what the gay adolescent equivalent of 16 is.
  

• When we first start having relationships to those to whom we might be attracted, we should first do it in groups. We should avoid being alone with someone that we find attractive.
  

• We should try to build relationships only with those that have the same values we do.
  

In my interview, I spoke of a co-worker years ago whom I found attractive. We were roughly the same age (I was just a couple years older). And, through no fault of my own, we found ourselves working together a lot AND I was alone (i.e. my wife and children were out of town for a couple of weeks visiting her parents). But, there is more to this story ...

First of all, this co-worker did not hold my same values. For example, over lunch, he would often talk of the latest porn movie he watched. But, he was fun to be around, and he was just damn good looking, so I conveniently ignored his indiscretions. Once, while my wife was gone, I was talking about how weird it felt to be apart for so long for the first time in our marriage. I then looked at him and joked "you'll have to come spend the night at my house to keep me company." He then replied "sure, but only if you give me a blow job." I turned beet red, which was the reaction he wanted (he liked to tease me and my prudish ways). But, in reality, the offer was mighty enticing - even at that time in my life when I didn't accept that I was gay. Looking back, it scares me to realize just how close I came to breaking my marriage covenants. Fortunately, there is a happy ending to this story. While I did fantasize about him for a while, I never crossed the line. Eventually, our careers diverged, he accepted a transfer to another state, and we haven't seen or communicated with each other since.

As I commented in my interview: Being married and gay really isn't any harder or easier than being single and gay - it's just different. And, in reality, it really isn't all that different. We all face the same temptations.

That what I really like about our little corner of the queerosphere.

I started my blog late last year (5 months and 6 days, to be exact). During that time, it's been amazing to me how I come to feel about my gay Mormon brothers and sisters. For the most part, I only know you (and you know me) through a pseudonym. There are few that I've even seen a picture to know what you look like. I have never met any of you in person, and it's unlikely that we ever will (given our geographic separation). Yet, I find myself laughing with you, crying with you, crying for you, praying for you, and thinking about you throughout my day.

I hold a leadership calling and am actively involved in my ward; yet, in some ways, I feel closer to my gay Mormon brothers and sisters, than I do the members of my own ward. Not that there is anything wrong with the members in my ward - it's a good ward full of good people. I just feel more of a kinship with my gay Mormon brothers and sisters.

We don't agree on everything. Some of you have chosen the same path that I have - to remain active in the church. Others have chosen to leave the church behind - yet you still cherish your Mormon heritage. Some of you are young, some are old farts like me. You live in all parts of the country. Some of you are single, some are married, some are contemplating marriage, some divorced, and some have children. Some are gay virgins while others have tasted of the forbidden waters. Some of you are comfortable using terms like 'gay' to describe yourselves, while others of you prefer terms like 'same sex attraction'. Some of you are completely closeted, some of you are completely out in the open, and the rest of us are somewhere in between. But, what we all have in common: We're all Mormons and we're all queers - we're gay Mormons!

You have all helped me in ways that you'll never know through your blogs, your comments on my blog, and your personal emails to me. It is incredibly comforting to know that I'm not alone - that I'm not just some freak of nature. I hope that I, in some small way, can help others. And, I just want to say

Thank You!

We'll now return you to your regular blogging ...

the gay christian network

When I first got involved in the Mormon Queerosphere, I started to wonder if other religions had their own gay niches with a presence on the internet. Is there a Baptist Queerosphere, a Catholic Queerosphere? ...

Over the last few months, I've found a few sites with gay people from other religions (some of which I link to on the right hand side of my blog). There is one in particular that I would like to highlight.

the gay christian network

The thing that attracted me to this site is their SideA/SideB distinction. SideA are "those who are in gay relationships or hope to be someday." SideB are "those who view their same-sex attractions as a temptation, and strive to live celibate lives." Yet, these two diverse views, for the most part, co-exist peacefully together.

I believe that is what we have in our little corner of the Queerosphere. We have those who strive to avoid homosexual relationships (whom we call MoHo's); and, we have those who are comfortable in their decision to pursue homosexual relationships (I don't think we come up with a universally accepted term for yet). And, for the most part, we respect each others opinions and peacefully co-exist. So, I thought those in the Mormon Queerosphere might see common ground in the discussions on the gay christian network.

As you might expect, the number of SideA'ers outnumbers the SideB'ers. Also, to be able to view "the side b forum" message board, you have to formally join GCN and request access (although, you don't have to be SideB in your views, you just have to respect the views of the SideB'ers). There is also a "mixed-orientation marriages" message board that was created just last week (not a lot of activity on it yet).

There are some interesting discussions going on over in the GCN. If nothing else, it might provide you with some ideas for topics you might want to blog about.

A hard body

From the "Personality Parade" section of Parade magazine (newspaper insert) dated May 20, 2007

Q Is it true the Mark Walhberg is a former convict?
A Yes, Mark, 35, served 45 days at Massachusetts' Deer Island House of Correction in 1988 for assaulting two men at age 16. He now says jail time forced him to turn his life around. The hard body he developed behind bars became his defining attribute as an underwear model and, initially, as a film star.

I want a hard body in just 45 days! I think I'm going to schedule a trip to Massachusetts to inquire about checking into this Deer Island House of Correction - Anyone with me???

And, what was the name of that place that turned Ted Haggard into a heterosexual in just two weeks? We could stop there on the way back. (or, maybe, we should stop there first)

Stupid things people say

I work in software development, and my team is getting ready to move our set of applications to new servers. It's a complex deployment, but we've put together a plan and have gone through the migration steps twice to test servers to make sure we can do it without any problems so as to minimize the interruptions to our users. We're getting ready to do the final migration in a couple of weeks.

As part of the migration, there are some steps that we require another group to perform. As lead software architect, I was called into a meeting for them to suggest alternative ways to perform these steps (because it meant less work for them). I expressed concern because doing things differently than what we tested, and what we knew worked, would introduce unnecessary risks of unforeseen problems. They then asked me to list out the unforeseen problems.

Uh ...

If I could list them, wouldn't that make them foreseen problems? What exactly is it about unforeseen that you don't understand?

What to do

The problem I have with my blog is that, when I go back and read previous blog entries, the person that emerges isn't me. It's like my evil twin is writing my blog. So, I've been struggling with what to do with my blog. My existing blog focuses on being gay - which is by design. My attraction to other guys is certainly part of who I am, but it isn't what defines me. And, I'm beginning to wonder if I'm focusing more on being gay more in my real life than is necessary or desired as a direct result of blogging about it So, what do I do?

• Keep my blog, but move it into a new direction that is more reflective of the real me?
  

• Sunset my blog and create a new blog that is more reflective of the real me?
  

• Keep my blog the way it is and let my inner evil twin continue to write in it?
  

• Keep my existing blog the way it is and let my inner evil twin write - but also create a new blog that is more reflective of the real me?
  

• Quit blogging altogether?

I've even gone so far as to create a new blog. But, I haven't posted anything to it yet - because, then I start to wonder "who is the real me?" and "does anybody really care?" The reality is, my real life is pretty mundane and boring. Does anyone really care to read about the other challenges I face in my life?

Or, is the persona that emerges from my blog the real me? Do I have the secret self that only emerges in my blog? I like to think that writing about the challenges I face being a gay Mormon might be of some help to others who happen to come across my blog. But, perhaps I'm just fooling myself.

What to do ...

Struggle

---

Struggle by Abelard Enigma

Like everyone else
I have struggles my life
I know that some face struggles
Far worse than I could ever imagine
But, for many,
The struggles they are faced with gives them a choice
They can lament their lot in life
Or they can accept what they have and move on.
That is what makes my struggle somewhat unique
For I have other choices
I can choose to be authentic to my true self
A choice that is, at times, is enticing
A choice that constantly beacons to me
Or,
I could choose to suppress these feelings, these urges inside of me
And to follow the path that I believe God has laid out for me
I have made my choice
I choose the harder path
But, everyday, I must recommit myself
And there are days
When my choice seems almost unbearable
When I feel as if I'm being pulled asunder
And sometimes
I want to crawl into a ball
Tighter, ever smaller
So small that
Eventually
I cease to
Exist
*

---

Struggle

---

Struggle by Abelard Enigma

Like everyone else
I have struggles my life
I know that some face struggles
Far worse than I could ever imagine
But, for many,
The struggles they are faced with gives them a choice
They can lament their lot in life
Or they can accept what they have and move on.
That is what makes my struggle somewhat unique
For I have other choices
I can choose to be authentic to my true self
A choice that is, at times, is enticing
A choice that constantly beacons to me
Or,
I could choose to suppress these feelings, these urges inside of me
And to follow the path that I believe God has laid out for me
I have made my choice
I choose the harder path
But, everyday, I must recommit myself
And there are days
When my choice seems almost unbearable
When I feel as if I'm being pulled asunder
And sometimes
I want to crawl into a ball
Tighter, ever smaller
So small that
Eventually
I cease to
Exist
*

---

I want to cry

No, I don't have any particular reason to cry right now. I just want to be able to cry.

You see, growing up, I quickly learned that certain behaviors caused other boys to pick on me. As a result, I convinced myself that boys don't cry. As I grew into adulthood, in an effort appear "normal", boys don't cry evolved into real men don't cry. Intellectually I know that isn't true - Over the years, especially since I've been in the church, I've seen lots of men, real men, cry. But, I've been suppressing my emotions for so long that it's second nature to me now. I can't even cry if I want to.

My mother died a year and a half ago after a long battle with cancer. At her funeral, I felt the saddest I ever remember feeling - but I still would not let myself cry. My father was crying, my brothers and sisters were crying, my nieces and nephews were crying, other people who knew and loved my mother were crying. It was difficult to not cry; I couldn't look at other people who were crying. But, I refused to allow myself to cry. I felt that I would be losing control if I cried - because real men don't cry.

I don't know why, but since I accepted my gayness a few months ago, I've felt the urge to cry more often than usual. Sometimes out of sadness, but mostly when I've felt particularly moved. Just last Sunday, we sang "I know that my Redeemer Lives" as our closing hymn and I felt the urge to cry during the hymn. But then my automatic defense mechanisms kicked in and I suppressed the feeling and fought back the tears.

So, how does a middle aged closeted gay man learn to let go? How does he learn to cry?

Abelard Enigma

After reviewing the comments I received in my previous post, I have decided to keep Abelard as my new blog persona, at least until I decide I need a new persona.

Although, I hardly feel worthy of such a noble moniker. Abelard was a great philosopher, and I am just a lowly dunderhead. Abelard was a passionate lover, and I am still just a lowly dunderhead. Abelard was castrated, and I'm --- not.

BTW, does anyone know how you're supposed to pronounce Abelard? I've been using A-beh-lard, but maybe it's supposed to be a -BEE-lard or Abe-lard or ???

Abelard and Heloise Enigma

A month or so ago, I made the grave error of referring to my spouse as wifie. In the ensuing comments, Samantha, the Queen of the Queerosphere correctly pointed out that the use of wifie was demeaning. And, after conferring with the amazing AtP, she bestowed upon me and my wife the names Abelard and Heloise Enigma.

I immediately started using Heloise to refer to my wife (so as to not anger the queen). However, I only recently accepted the name Abelard for myself during my recent blog makeover (considering that a name like Bud or Billy Jo Bob would be more befitting my simple nature). A discussion ensued over my new name in comments section of a recent blog entry. I was aware that there was, apparently, a rather unseemly and messy end to love affair between Abelard and Heloise; although, I had not bothered to research the details. However, I became a bit alarmed when the great -L- pointed out that, in the end, Abelard had been castrated.

So, I decided to do some research into the lives of Abelard and Heloise.

Abelard was a

French theologian and philosopher best known for his solution of the problem of universals and for his original use of dialectics. He is also known for his poetry and for his celebrated love affair with Héloïse.

Abelard put forth the idea that universals exist a thoughts based on the particulars of things, in contrast to the idea that only things exist and the idea that only classes exist. Abelard also suggested in Ethica that intent is the criterion by which one ought to judge sin because a deed by itself is neutral.

As it turns out, the story of Abelard and Heloise is quite tragic (and, yes, does involve the aforementioned castration). During my research, I have also discovered

• a website abelard.org

• A poem titled Eloisa to Abelard.

I am a simple man and I trust my friends in the Mormon Queerosphere. Although, I also realize that this could end up being the virtual equivalent of a "kick me" sign stuck on the back of my shirt - an experience I am all too familiar with from my youth :)

So, I ask my fellow gaymonites, MoHo's, and members of the queerosphere:

• Do I keep my new name?
  

• Or do I appeal to the Queen of the Queerosphere that she reconsider my moniker?

Real men don't eat quiche

Heloise announced last night that she was going to make quiche for dinner on Monday. I started to protest; but, she insisted that she is going to have quiche before her mother leaves in a couple of days because she never gets to have it.


In my mind I started to think "I don't like quiche, does this make me a real man?" But, my bubble was burst when my mother-in-law inquired "what about Abelard? What will he eat?" and Heloise looked straight at me and replied "oh, he'll eat it too!"

And, then she hinted that, maybe, we'll have Tuna Casserole on Tuesday - Ewwww!

The votes are in, part deuce

I received a few more data points from the political compass quiz.

Some observations:

• The percent of the world population that reads my blog has jumped to a whooping 0.000000179%.
  

• I am no longer the most right wing member of the Mormon queerosphere. I promised I wouldn't give out any names. But, the person who holds that honor (and you know who you are) is welcome to stand up and take a bow.
  

• I am, however, still the most authoritarian - so, you will obey!!! (100 points to the gaymonite who can identify the show that line comes from)
  

Of course, it's difficult to be taken seriously when I only have 12 minions, er, I mean, friends - and they are, for the most part, a bunch of left wing liberal pinko commies :)

I vote that we make this our headquarters

The votes are in

Well, the votes are in. And it appears that gay Mormon's are a bunch of flaming left wing libertarian pinko commies. (I mean that in the nicest way, of course). Although, I guess that makes me a flaming right wing neoconservative capitalistic pig - at least that's what I feel like next to my gay Mormon buddies (yup, that lone dot in the upper right quadrant is me).

It also means that most gay Mormon's have a lot in common with Gandhi, Nelson Mandela, and The Dalai Lama. Where I, on the other hand, am in good company with Angela Merkel (first female chancellor of Germany).

A number of you expressed surprise on your score (that you were further left than you thought you would be). So, perhaps the quiz is slanted that way. Although, I went back and re-took the quiz and answered how I think I would have answered it 5 years ago, and I was more right wing and authoritative back then:

Economic Left/Right: 3.88
Social Libertarian/Authoritarian: 2.92

So, it appears I'm starting to tilt towards the left. A few weeks ago, Heloise expressed concern for my increasingly leftist views. I dismissed it at the time. But, perhaps I wasn't giving her enough credit for her powers of observation.

I must keep repeating -

"I like George W. Bush",
"I support the war on terrorism",
"Fox News is the best!",
"Rush Limbaugh is my hero" ...

Of course, another way to interpret these results is that out of the entire world population, there are only 9 people who read my blog. That's 0.000000134%, which is kind of depressing - I think I need to go eat some chocolate!

BTW, any comments on my new look??? I decided to go with a contrasting colors motif using a shimmering lime background with concord grape headings with a hint of dewberry tossed in.

Oh, and it's not too late to get your vote in. I'll publish an update to this chart if I receive any new data.

Where are you on the Political Compass?

One of our newer MoHos, EvadingOdd, recently wrote about his Political Compass in his blog. He points to a quiz where you answer some questions and it plots where you stand. I realize these kinds of quizzes are just fun to do and don't represent any sort of scientific analysis. But, I also think that they probably aren't too far from the truth.

I took the quiz and was a bit surprised at the results. I consider myself pretty conservative in my political views. According to the quiz, I'm still right of center, but not as far right as I would have expected. In fact, I'm almost right dab in the middle both left-right and Authoritarian-Libertarian.

Economic Left/Right: 2.00
Social Libertarian/Authoritarian: 1.08

This got me to wondering where the other gay Mormon's fit on this Political Compass.

Let me make an offer, in case anyone else is interested. Take the quiz and send me the results. I'll then compile them together and post the results. I don't need the graph, just the values for Economic Left/Right and Social Libertarian/Authoritarian. I won't identify who responded, just a composite graph with a dot for each person who responds. I think it will be interesting to see if we are all over the chart, or if there is any clustering. You can either attach it as a comment, or email it to me directly.

In the gay world, but not of the gay world

There is a common axiom we often hear in the LDS church: We should be in the world, but not of the world. I've used this phrase with my children and when teaching lessons at church. It rolls off of our tongues so easily, but what does it really mean?

I believe we can get an inkling of what it means in the thirteenth article of faith which states:

13. We believe in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men; indeed, we may say that we follow the admonition of Paul—We believe all things, we hope all things, we have endured many things, and hope to be able to endure all things. If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things.

But, how many of us can truthfully say that we abide by this in everything we do? Or is this more of an ideal that we strive for knowing that we will always fall short in some way?

I know I have things that I seek after that are not bad, but they are also not always virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy. I know of other things that are considered virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy that I do not seek after. In fact, I may even actively avoid.

Take television as an example. The shows on BYU-TV would be defined by most as virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, but, IMOHO, most are also incredibly boring - so I do not seek after them. In fact, I actively avoid most shows on BYU-TV (General Conference being a notable exception). But, what about shows that I do watch. For example: "House", this show flashes a Parental Discretion Advised message when it begins. Can a show that requires parental discretion warning be virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy? Am I being of the world for watching such shows?

And, can this axiom be applied to the gay world? In other words, is it possible to be in the gay world, but not of the gay world? Is participating in the Mormon queerosphere an example of being in the gay world, but not of the gay world? What other examples are there for being in the gay world, but not of the gay world?

Thoughts anyone?