I think my house must have been then only home in Texas without a TV tuned to the Superbowl yesterday. Before Saturday I couldn't have even told you what teams were in the Superbowl. However, I heard enough people talking about it on Saturday, at church on Sunday, and on the radio this morning that I know what teams were playing, I even knew who won at some point. But, I think I forgot because I don't care.
Instead, my wife and I watched a movie I had recorded on our DVR last week: "Jeffery". Yes, I know it is "R" rated; but, the channel I recorded it on does a good job of bleeping out all of the bad words and inappropriate scenes (is that a rationalization or what?). Anyway, I didn't like the movie; so, I turned it off about 1/3 into the movie and deleted it from our DVR. Smutty is the word I would use to describe that movie. I think the only reason I wanted to watch "Jeffery" is because it has Patrick Stewart in it (Patrick, I'm disappointed in you).
Anyway, after I stopped the movie, my wife and I had another discussion. Referring to the movie, she asked if the gay culture appealed to me in any way. I answered honestly that it does not. She then asked why I wanted to watch movies like this (meaning gay themed movies). I asked her to envision herself in another country, like Japan, where it was obvious she was different from everyone else (physical characteristics, culture, language, etc.). Then imagine that she saw another American. Wouldn't she feel some affinity towards them? I then explained that is how I feel towards other gay people, even fictitious people in a movie. I feel a connection with them even though I don't really know them and may disagree with their lifestyle. She said that she understood, although it bothered her that I felt that way. I responded that I was just being honest in how I feel.
So, that's where we are. Often we are both doing OK. But, sometimes she cries. Then I feel like a jerk for making her cry which brings me down. But, we are continuing to talk.
Although, I'm beginning to think that telling my wife isn't going to have the outcome that I wanted. I was hoping that I would have someone I could talk to. But, if she is always bothered by what I tell her and starts crying then I don't think I will want to talk to her; I'll just continue to hold it in as I've always done. I'm already finding myself not volunteering much information. I answer her questions as honestly as I can. But, I stopped initiating any conversations. I haven't even ask her how she is doing today as I've done all other days since coming out. I just hate seeing her cry, especially when I'm the source of it.
Maybe we should go in for some marriage counseling. She did some research on the web and found an LDS counselor in our area who spoke at an Evergreen conference a couple of years ago. I don't know if I would be comfortable going to a counselor who advocates the Evergreen approach. I don't want to be 'cured' of my homosexuality, mainly because I don't believe it is possible. I just want to figure out how we can make this relationship work now that my wife knows she married a queer. She found another LDS counselor who happens to have an office within our our Stake boundaries (in the ward next to ours) and presumably lives in the area. I don't think I could do that either. It would be awkward running into them at Stake meetings.