Thursday, February 15, 2007

Deep and Thoughtful

I was reading other gay Mormon blogs and was impressed on how deep and thoughtful they are. My blog seems so shallow. So, this is my attempt at being deep and thoughtful.



And then there's ...


Seriously, I guess my brain just isn't wired to be as insightful as others.

There is a movie my wife and I watched the other day that was thought provoking. The name of the movie is "Hard Pill" and is about a lonely and sad gay man who participates in a medical trial for a pill to turn gay men into heterosexuals.

Before I get into the movie, I want to point out that I recorded this movie from LogoTV which does a good job of editing out bad words and scenes. The movie is unrated; but, I would rate the version I watched as PG, and I was comfortable watching it with my wife. Although, there were a couple of spots in the movie where I could tell something got edited out (I have no idea what they were). I just didn't want someone watching the unedited DVD version and wondering "what the heck is ME doing watching this kind of stuff?" Overall, my wife liked the movie too. The one thing in the movie that bothered her was men kissing. There wasn't anything hot and heavy, or graphic (at least in the edited version I watched). Just the thought of men kissing bothers her.

I expected the movie to end with gay guy deciding that he was happier being gay and returning to his gay life - but it didn't. Trying not to give anything away, the ending was actually very sad. I also thought the movie did a very good job of presenting all sides of the issue. The outrage expressed by the gay community verses the religious community wondering what is wrong with giving people a choice. They also addressed the gay marriage issue with one of the openly gay men expressing his reservations about it (when he says "it's just one more thing that I'll be expected to do"). It wasn't the kind of movie that tries to steer you in a certain direction. It just presented all sides of the issue and then left you to your own conclusions.

Regarding the question
If there was a straight pill, would you take it?

This is actually something I have been thinking about for a while (even before watching the film, which is probably why I wanted to watch it). As recently as several weeks ago, I would have answered "Yes" to that question without hesitation. Now, I'm not quite so eager to answer "Yes". Although, I'm not ready to answer "No" either.

Having these feelings and attractions without allowing myself to act on them is difficult and challenging. But, I find myself wondering if excising these from me would destroy some other part of me in the process. Would it be like losing my appendix (which I'm not even sure what it does and I doubt I would ever miss)? Or, would it be like losing my right arm (and having to go through extensive therapy to adapt)?

The fact of the matter is, I like boys. I've been this way my entire life, and I can't even imagine what it would be like to feel otherwise. If you take away my attractions to men, would they be automatically replaced with attractions to women? Or would I become asexual without any attractions? Is it better to feel some attraction, some attachment, to other humans than to have no attractions at all? And, what sort of complex interactions do these attractions have with other aspects of my identity?

These are deep and thoughtful questions. Unfortunately, I don't have any extra insight into them. It seems the more I ponder this, the more questions I come up with rather than answers. This deep and thoughtful stuff hurts my brain. Maybe I should just go back to thinking about what flowers I want to plant in my garden this spring, or something along those lines.


Foxx said...

Is it better to feel some attraction, some attachment, to other humans than to have no attractions at all?

I say yes.

And Enigma, you are on the right track. The first step to insight is sorting through all the questions and finding one that impresses you most to find the answer. I think.

Foxx said...

On second thought, don't worry about getting insight. Just be yourself. You've lived, and you're still alive; you know lots of things from experience that I have yet to find questions about.

Mormon Enigma said...

I don't know. I'm definitely 'older', but I'm still waiting for the 'wiser' part to kick in.

Kengo Biddles said...

If wiser never comes, does it matter? I think thinking of other things is a good thing. It never does one good to focus on any one part of one's life. And as for your sexuality, you're coming to terms, you're discovering. Work with your wife, help her to understand that just because you've shared these feelings, it doesn't necessarily mean that you feel any less feeling for her.

How's that for trite? Sorry. :)

SG said...

Enigma, it sometimes hurts my brain, too. That's the reason I've decided it's always safe and feels good to reach out to everyone (sorry if that sounds too sappy or that I'm trying to come up with a new verse to a Primary song). Some days that's the easiest thing to do; not try to define oneself beyond human and child of God.