Friday, January 19, 2007

I like boys

There, I said it (or wrote it rather). I like boys. Lest anyone think I'm some sort of perverted pedophile, I'm using the term 'boys' to refer to people of all ages who are of the male persuasion.

It's not that I dislike girls. My mother is a girl; my wife is a girl; my daughters and granddaughter are girls. It's just that I don't look at girls the same way I look at boys. I look at boys the same way straight guys look at girls. If a cute couple walks into a room, I look at the guy first. If you later asked me to describe the couple, I would be hard pressed to describe the girl; but, I could probably describe the guy. Lord help me if I ever get mugged by a girl. I can just see myself trying to describe her to the police - 'well, I think she had hair, two eyes, a mouth and nose ..."

I used to be ashamed about this and thought that every time I caught myself looking at another man required repentance. But, now I'm wondering if there is shame in this part of me. There is a difference between liking and lusting. I like looking at cute guys; but, I don't lust after every cute guy that I see. Lusting is wrong regardless if you are straight or gay. Is it wrong for a straight guy to look at a girl and think to himself "she's cute"? Is it wrong for me to look at a guy and think to myself "he's cute"?

I like being around other boys. Unfortunately, I just don't particularly like doing the same things that other boys like to do. Therein lies a conflict. I want to be around other boys; but, I don't want to do it by playing basketball or getting together to watch BYU football. I want to do the things I like to do. For example, get a group of guys together to cook a gourmet meal, or participate in a mens singing group. Unfortunately, I don't see that happening any time soon, if ever.

Actually, I have tried participating in singing groups. Not a men's only one; but, a large community choir with a correspondingly large men's section. I'm not the greatest tenor in the world; but, I do have a pretty good ear for music. I sightread well and I can sing on key. However, whenever you get a large group of tenors together. Invariably there will be a couple of male diva's who think they are the next Pavarotti. You know the kind: Annoying, critical, condescending, and loud. Regardless of how the music is notated, they seem to only have two volumes: Loud and Loudest. This phenomena only seems to occur in the Soprano and Tenor sections of a choir. Alto's and basses all just get along. I wonder why this is?

Being interested in model trains, I've tried joining a local model train club. Unfortunately, there aren't any close to where I live; and, driving 30 miles one way to a club meeting each week gets old really fast - not to mention the cost of gas these days. Plus, whenever you get a group of train enthusiasts together. Invariably there will be some who demand absolute attention to detail (we call them rivet counters). These guys can be very critical of the work done by others. Some of us just like to play with trains and don't really care if the pilot it positioned 1/16" too high.

I also tried joining a local photography club. I went to one meeting; but, the group seems to have fizzled out since there haven't been any meetings since then.

So, I like being around other boys; but, I seem to find fault in every group of boys I'm with. Does this make me a bitch?

My only consolation is that I get to work with the young men in my ward. I meet with the Aaronic priesthood quorums on Sunday and at their weekly activities on Wednesday evenings. I enjoy working with the youth and have done so most of my adult life. But, sometimes a boy wants to play with other boys closer to his own age.

So, there we have it: A closeted gay guy who works with teenage boys; but, he wants to be around other guys closer to his own age. Unfortunately, whenever he is around other grown boys, he turns into a closeted gay bitch and starts finding fault with everything. Can I be any more pathetic?

Plus, there is a guy at work I've been trying to meet with all week to get some information I need to complete an assignment. He keeps putting me off and I've been getting real frustrated with him. Today, I found out that the reason he has been unavailable is because he had to go in for chemotherapy treatments. Now I feel like a real jerk!

I guess I'm just feeling sorry for myself. I'm home all alone. I did have my youngest daughter at home with me; but, she is spending the weekend with friends. I have a whole Saturday where I can do anything I want to do. So, what am I going to do? I'm going to sit around the house waiting for the guy to come fix our dishwasher (he was supposed to come last Thursday; but, that's another story). I was thinking I could go down to the lake afterwards to take some pictures; but, it is supposed to rain all day. Sometimes my life really sucks! I need some chocolate!


-L- said...

Well, if you're looking for a good time (ahem) you can come over and socialize around the virtual water cooler with a bunch of boys (and a girl or two) via the ol' moho book club.

I totally understand what you mean though. I've felt the same way so often. I recommend counseling. Seriously. And, I suppose, blogging--but it looks like you've got that one covered. Just exploring your feelings and what you want and how to meet those needs in appropriate ways is a really good thing.

Mormon Enigma said...

What is the "ol' moho book club"?

Beck said...

I can relate a lot with your post. I've caught myself at airports checking out the guys and rating them from 1 to 5... not for the lust factor - just who's cute. It's warped, I know, but hey, it's like my ol' BYU roommates rating the girls back when we were freshmen!

I like young guys because they help me to feel young - a hang up I still have. I don't like guys my own age... it's another problem.

Keep discussing and you'll help us all come to terms with these dilemmas as "L" says "in appropriate ways"...

Samantha said...

The ol' moho book club meets on -L-'s blog. They hated my choice last month because it was too immature for them (but I loved it, because I'm basically immature), and this month they're watching a video--a good time to join because the female is abstaining, citing the weirdness of watching a video in a bookclub. So you can meet around the virtual water cooler, girl-free, and chat about the video and which one of you is the cutest boy. -L- will win, of course, because he's related to the hymnest who bestows attractiveness on his descendents, and I won't be there to compete with him.

You should definitely come.

-L- said...

Moho= mormon homosexual. Many apologies to anyone who finds joking anywhere near the topic of homosexuality to be sinfully light-minded.

Today is supposed to be the post day for the movie, but I haven't yet received my copy in the mail.

Mormon Enigma said...

I just added "States of Grace : Gods Army 2" to our Netflix queue.