From all outward appearances, I am a heterosexual male who is happily married and a father/grandfather. I'm an active member of the LDS church who faithfully attends to his duties.
But, in reality, I live in a closet with my deep secret that I've never ever shared with anyone, even those close to me. A secret that I've only come to accept myself a few months ago. I like my closet. It's warm and cozy. But, most of all, it is familiar; it's the only thing I've known my whole life. The world outside of the closet is unfamiliar, so that makes it scary.
But, it is lonely in my closet. Part of me wants to come out of my closet and part of me wants to stay in. The 'stay in' part is winning, as it always has. The 'come out' part of me is too weak. The thing about coming out of the closet is that once you come out - you can't retreat back in. You can't un-ring the bell.
I almost told my wife last night. It was the perfect setting. My daughter was out on a date so we had the home to ourselves. Nothing pressing was going on. To get started, all I have to say is that I have something I need to tell her. After that, I'm committed and can't back out. But, I couldn't do it. I went into my home office and tried to summon up the courage. Instead, I walked out and sat down on the couch next to her, and we watched a couple of shows that had recorded while she was gone.
Why am I such a coward? Why is this so hard?
I still don't really know why I want to tell her. And, is it going to be any less lonely outside of the closet? Am I really coming out of the closet? Or am I dragging my wife into the closet? Is that fair to her? I think my head is going to explode!
This morning, I went to the 6:30am priesthood session at the Temple. As I was leaving the Temple, I paused to add my name to the prayer roll of the Temple. Is it OK to do that? Add your own name to the prayer roll? If I'm at the Temple, doesn't that mean I'm doing everything I'm supposed to be doing; therefore, I don't need to be on the prayer roll?
Well, I need to get going soon. The young men in our ward are playing basketball at the Stake Center, and I'm going to go take pictures. Time to put on my mask and go out into the world as your everyday heterosexual guy.
My oldest son and his fiancee (and her twin babies) are coming over this afternoon and staying for dinner; so, I doubt the opportunity to talk to my wife will come today. Maybe tomorrow. We have morning church this year and I don't have any other meetings; so, I should have the whole afternoon. But, probably not - I'll most likely just chicken out again.
On a different note, got an email from Netflix. It seems the DVD "States of Grace: God's Army II" is not available in their Dallas distribution center; so, it is being mailed to me from New York. It is not expected to arrive until Tuesday. My entry into the MoHo Book Club is starting up with a fizzle.