Yesterday morning started out as most mornings do with me going upstairs to my home office to begin work, and my wife going off to work (she started working part time teaching quilting/sewing since our children are grown). She only works about 4 hours/day, so she came home shortly after lunch. I had finished with my last meeting of the day and was downstairs taking a break, sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of (herbal) tea (I'm nursing a sore throat). She came and sat next to me on the bench, put her head on my shoulders, and quietly sobbed.
This is killing me. I'm just the clueless gay husband who has no idea what to do other than reassure her. I feel like such a heel. What have I done? I never meant to hurt her. I feel like I need to apologize; but, I don't know what I would be apologizing for. Do I need to apologize for being gay? That's like apologizing for having blond hair. Do I need to apologize for not telling her sooner? It has only been a few short months since I even admitted it to myself. Should I try to act as if nothing is wrong and just go on as if nothing had happened? Or should I be a more doting husband? How much more can/should I dote? I've been cooking dinner every night since she returned, I've been putting my dirty socks in the laundry hamper each night, I've been home with her each night. I just don't know what else I can do other than holding her, and telling her that I love her.
The fact of the matter is, this is hard on me too. I'm trying to reassure her, but who can I turn to for reassurance? I'm starting to feel so very much alone. Telling her was supposed to rid me of these feelings of loneliness, not spur them on.
There was a Relief Society activity last night. She was hesitating about going; so, I strongly encouraged her to go. I felt she needed to get out of the house to mingle with other sisters and think about something else for a while; but, was that the right thing to do?
Something one of the sisters said at the meeting caused her to have a sort of epiphany. When she came home, she told me that driving home she realized that I haven't changed. I'm the same person I've always been. If anyone needs changing it's her - she needs to change her thoughts and attitude. Is this a good thing? Or is this an indication that she is blaming herself?
After we retired to bed, we stayed awake for a while and talked some more. As we were talking she cried some more. I seem to be getting really good at making her cry. I shared with her some of the things I've had to put up with in my life, such as living with daily taunts of 'queer' and 'faggot' in junior high school. Mostly, I just held her and stroked her.
I admitted to her that I'm reading blogs by other gay Mormon's and that I have my own blog. I also admitted that I've joined a few discussion groups (q-saints, gayldsmormons, etc.) and that there are a handful of people that I email with back and forth. I've tried to convince her that these are good people, many of whom have going through what we are going through, and that I gain strength from them. But, she said that this worries her. How can I reassure her that these are good things?
This morning I asked her how she was doing and she replied she was doing better. Tonight is Mutual; so, that will give us both something to do other than staying home with her crying and me feeling guilty about it.
So, this is where we are, stay tuned.