Out of the closet, day 3

First of all, I have to say that I'm overwhelmed by the outpouring of love and support I've received from my friends here in the blogosphere (or queerosphere, which ever term you prefer), both through comments to my blog entries and via emails sent directly to me. I want to publicly thank everyone who has reached out to me. I don't feel so alone anymore. I just wish there wasn't the geographic separation between us because I feel like I want to give each and everyone one of you a big hug.

I think my wife and I are making progress. She really is a strong woman and I pulled the rug out from under her; but, I think she is starting to regain her composure. Yesterday, we made it through one day without her crying, at least that I was aware of. She came home from work at her normal time but then left again to run some errands. Afterwards, she said she wanted to make dinner. I tried to tell her that I had it taken care of, but she insisted. So, I cleaned out and loaded the dishwasher and then set the table while she was making dinner. After dinner we both went to Mutual. Afterwards, we came home and watched "Hero's" which she had recorded on Monday night. So, it was a pretty normal Wednesday evening for us.

My wife works with the young women and I normally go with the young men at Mutual; so, we aren't usually together in the same room. Last night, however, we had the Teachers, Priests, Mia Maids, and Laurals all together making invitations for a Valentine's Dinner they are putting on for their parents in two weeks and finalizing the plans for the dinner. I was doing my normal banter with the young men which, sometimes, includes putting my arm around their shoulder. But, it occurred to me that she may start looking at these kinds of things in a new light, and some things may start to bother her. I'm going to have to learn to be more sensitive to her feelings.

I've been trying to be near her as much as I can when she is home in case she wants to talk, or if she just needs a hug. But, I'm beginning to perceive that she is starting to feel like I'm smothering her. So, I'm going to back off a bit. I'm thinking she needs some alone time now so that she can process this information.

This morning, I got up early and showered. As I was getting dressed, she asked what time my meetings started and if we had time to talk. I didn't have any early morning meetings today; so, I got right back in bed and took her hand in mine, and we talked for over an hour. Yesterday, I had sent her a link to Wife of a gay Mormon. She said she had been reading it. She also linked to her husbands blog, gaymormonandmarried, to read his story. She said that it was giving her a much greater understanding. This was the first time she was introduced to the term 'SSA'. She explained that she liked that term much better than 'gay' because of the connotations with the gay culture. I told her that I understood what she was saying and then explained that I didn't particularly like the term SSA (or SGA) because it makes me feel like there is something wrong with me, and I don't feel like I'm broken. I added that I do not think in terms of the gay culture, but more in terms of personality, interests, attributes, etc.; and, that in those terms, I probably have more in common with other gay men than I do with most straight men. This particular topic of conversation, I'm sure, is far from over.

She also said that she realizes that I have a need to explore this side of me and that she needs to learn to trust that I won't do anything inappropriate. I believe that latter comment was in response to something I did yesterday. I was testing the water a bit; so, before we left for Mutual, I told her that there was a show on Logo TV (a GBLT cable station) that I wanted to record so that I could watch it later. As I was setting up the DVR, she walked through the TV room and noticed that I was having problems because there are already two shows recording at that time; so, she pointed out one of them and told me I could cancel the recording because she probably wouldn't watch it anyway so that I could record my show.

Finally, she said that she was feeling much better and that she didn't feel a need to go talk to a therapist anymore. I pointed out that I really didn't come out of the closet, I've pulled her into my closet. I explained that she may start feeling alone at times with no one to talk to; but, that the option to go talk to a counselor was always an option for her.

After we talked, I finished getting dressed, and we went into the kitchen for our morning scripture study. We've been trying something new lately by doing more of a topical type of study rather than just reading start to finish. We started with 2 Ne 25:23 ("...for we know that it is by grace that we are saved, after all we can do.") and have been going through the references, reading the Bible dictionary, etc. This morning, after we read some more of the references and other links, she got out the hymnal and looked up hymns dealing with "grace". She was particularly drawn to "Rock of Ages". ("Rock of Ages, cleft for me, Let me hide myself in thee..."). That is, actually, one of my favorite hymns. I believe the events over the last couple of days are giving her a new perspective. And, perhaps, for me too.

We still haven't watched "States of Grace - God's Army II" yet (too much other stuff going on); but, she said that, maybe, we can watch it tonight. Good thing Netflix allows you to keep the DVD's as long as you want. I was hoping my daughter would watch it with us; but, she's got a new boyfriend; so, we don't see her much anymore. I did actually get a chance to meet her new beau Tuesday, and he seems like a nice enough fellow. Unfortunately, he is not LDS; but, he is involved in his church. They are both members of the same World of Warcraft guild which is how they met. Whoda thunk it? World of Warcraft as a dating service?