My wife was out a few evenings ago with her scrapbooking group. My daughter was out with her boyfriend. Since I was home alone, I decided to watch "States of Grace - God's Army II" again before I returned the DVD to Netflix (thank goodness Netflix doesn't have any late fees).
The movie was better the 2nd time than it was the 1st time even though I knew what was going to happen. There were some little things in the movie that bugged me. This time I noticed a couple of things that I hadn't noticed the first time. But, it is still the ending that gets to me. This time I cried! I've never allowed myself to cry in a movie before. I've always made fun of people who cry at movies. But, this time I cried with real tears and everything. I even had to get my handkerchief out of my pocket to wipe away my tears.
What's happening to me? I feel kind of silly. I've never allowed myself to show emotion before because I didn't want to appear un-manly. Now that I've accepted that I'm gay, is this the true me coming out? Who is the real me? Is he a blubbering fool? This is certainly a new development. I never considered that, in addition to hiding the gay side of me, I might also be hiding another part of me - the real me.
Or, maybe it's all just a fluke. Perhaps I was just getting caught up in the emotion because of all the stuff that's happened the last few weeks. Perhaps I'll regain my composure and be my old self again, the me I've always known.
How do I know who the real me is?