Saturday, February 24, 2007

States of Grace - God's Army II, part 2

My wife was out a few evenings ago with her scrapbooking group. My daughter was out with her boyfriend. Since I was home alone, I decided to watch "States of Grace - God's Army II" again before I returned the DVD to Netflix (thank goodness Netflix doesn't have any late fees).

The movie was better the 2nd time than it was the 1st time even though I knew what was going to happen. There were some little things in the movie that bugged me. This time I noticed a couple of things that I hadn't noticed the first time. But, it is still the ending that gets to me. This time I cried! I've never allowed myself to cry in a movie before. I've always made fun of people who cry at movies. But, this time I cried with real tears and everything. I even had to get my handkerchief out of my pocket to wipe away my tears.

What's happening to me? I feel kind of silly. I've never allowed myself to show emotion before because I didn't want to appear un-manly. Now that I've accepted that I'm gay, is this the true me coming out? Who is the real me? Is he a blubbering fool? This is certainly a new development. I never considered that, in addition to hiding the gay side of me, I might also be hiding another part of me - the real me.

Or, maybe it's all just a fluke. Perhaps I was just getting caught up in the emotion because of all the stuff that's happened the last few weeks. Perhaps I'll regain my composure and be my old self again, the me I've always known.

How do I know who the real me is?


Beck said...

You just let it happen and don't worry about what others will think about you. I've been a blubbering idiot for decades and I don't care what others may think or say.

You were probably touched by all that has happened in the last few weeks and this scene of feelings of the atonement obviously get to you. I cry at the closing scene of this movie as well.

Let yourself go! Let your emotions come to the surface! Stop worrying about what is "manly" and just allow yourself to feel!

Your previous post got me thinking. I'm contemplating responding in a post sprouting from yours - I hope you don't mind.

Mormon Enigma said...

Let yourself go! Let your emotions come to the surface! Stop worrying about what is "manly" and just allow yourself to feel!

That's easier said than done after decades of suppressing my emotions. I was caught off guard when I started crying at the end of the movie - it was a new experience for me. Although, I do find myself wondering what I would have done if I hadn't been home alone at the time.

Foxx said...

Lucky. I haven't been able to really cry my whole life. So many times I have wanted to - felt like I needed to - but could not. I cried at a movie for the first time just a few weeks ago. I, too, was alone, but the encouraging thing is that I'm now being able to access and express the things I feel more tangibly. That's what I care about.

Come to think of it, I don't even know why I can't. Did I tell myself that boys don't cry back in the day? I don't associate crying with weakness anymore, but still I cannot do it even when the emotion calls for it.