We had another discussion this afternoon. My wife said that she feels like I am withdrawing from her. Truth is, she is right, so I couldn't deny it. I then told her that I didn't know what to say because I didn't know if what I said would bother her and make her cry. She then brought up an incident that happened a few days ago when we were in a restaurant. I had leaned over to her and asked "would it bother you if I told you that the waiter over there is cute?" It was one of those things that seemed like a good idea at the time, but in retrospect, it was probably better left unsaid (sometimes I'm not the brightest bulb on the tree). It did bother her. She told me that when I said it, and she has brought it up a couple of times since. This time, our conversation went something like:
her: The reason it bothers me is that you even said it. Married people don't say things like that to each other.
me: (getting defensive) Is that true? Ever since we've been married you've had the hots for Robert Vaughn.
her: When I was 15!
me: Then why are you recording old episodes of "Man from UNCLE" on our DVR?
her: (long pause) Now that you put it that way...
The truth is, there have been several times in our 27 years of marriage when she has pointed out some guy and let me know how good looking she thought he was. Not that it bothers me. I'm just pointing out that her premise that 'married people don't say things like that to each other' is false, at least in our marriage. Although, I've never pointed out a girl and told her how pretty I thought she was (but, not for reasons of purity of heart. I just don't look at girls that way).
But, back to the issue at hand, the reality is, I don't know what to say to her. Whenever I say something to her that drives home the reality that I like boys, she tells me it bothers her that I feel that way. But, what else is there to being gay? Isn't that what being gay means? Should I tell her that, because I'm gay, I'm having unnatural desires to redecorate the living room?
I guess I'm starting to get a little frustrated. I'm starting to feel like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. I know this is hard on her - that it is a lot for her to take in right now. But, I think she needs to give me some guidance here. This is uncharted territory for us.
Maybe we do need some counseling. If nothing else, to help us figure out how we can talk about it without upsetting each other. I don't want this to become the elephant in the room that we both pretend to ignore.
I'm going to the Temple tonight. This time alone because she has another meeting that she needs to go to. It is our ward Temple night, so I talked to some friends who are giving me a ride. Perhaps a Temple session will help me clear my head. I think I'll add both our names to the Temple roll this time.