Tuesday, February 6, 2007

Out of the closet, day 9

We had another discussion this afternoon. My wife said that she feels like I am withdrawing from her. Truth is, she is right, so I couldn't deny it. I then told her that I didn't know what to say because I didn't know if what I said would bother her and make her cry. She then brought up an incident that happened a few days ago when we were in a restaurant. I had leaned over to her and asked "would it bother you if I told you that the waiter over there is cute?" It was one of those things that seemed like a good idea at the time, but in retrospect, it was probably better left unsaid (sometimes I'm not the brightest bulb on the tree). It did bother her. She told me that when I said it, and she has brought it up a couple of times since. This time, our conversation went something like:

her: The reason it bothers me is that you even said it. Married people don't say things like that to each other.

me: (getting defensive) Is that true? Ever since we've been married you've had the hots for Robert Vaughn.

her: When I was 15!

me: Then why are you recording old episodes of "Man from UNCLE" on our DVR?

her: (long pause) Now that you put it that way...

The truth is, there have been several times in our 27 years of marriage when she has pointed out some guy and let me know how good looking she thought he was. Not that it bothers me. I'm just pointing out that her premise that 'married people don't say things like that to each other' is false, at least in our marriage. Although, I've never pointed out a girl and told her how pretty I thought she was (but, not for reasons of purity of heart. I just don't look at girls that way).

But, back to the issue at hand, the reality is, I don't know what to say to her. Whenever I say something to her that drives home the reality that I like boys, she tells me it bothers her that I feel that way. But, what else is there to being gay? Isn't that what being gay means? Should I tell her that, because I'm gay, I'm having unnatural desires to redecorate the living room?

I guess I'm starting to get a little frustrated. I'm starting to feel like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. I know this is hard on her - that it is a lot for her to take in right now. But, I think she needs to give me some guidance here. This is uncharted territory for us.

Maybe we do need some counseling. If nothing else, to help us figure out how we can talk about it without upsetting each other. I don't want this to become the elephant in the room that we both pretend to ignore.

I'm going to the Temple tonight. This time alone because she has another meeting that she needs to go to. It is our ward Temple night, so I talked to some friends who are giving me a ride. Perhaps a Temple session will help me clear my head. I think I'll add both our names to the Temple roll this time.


Kengo Biddles said...

I go through the same thing with Miki, and yet she doesn't understand that when she says that she thinks that Matthew McConnahey is hot it hurts me to hear it.

I think counseling is a good thing. I think going to the temple is a good thing. I think going to the temple together is a good thing.

I think that keeping trying in your marriage is the best thing. :)

-L- said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
-L- said...

I've decided not to "out" myself to extended family for similar reasons. I don't want them to always cast funny looks my way when I talk to a good looking guy like something inappropriate is happening. I don't want people feeling I need to be supervised when I'm with teenage guys. Etc. Do they think these things now in regards to women and girls? No. But it's a mindset we have in society and getting past it is a genuine battle. It's a worthwhile battle on many levels and for certain situations (like yours), but to my mind not worthwhile for some others.

Ammon said...

I feel stupid trying to help you when I'm just a seventeen year old, but I do have a valid point. At least I think I do. LOL
Don't say you think someone is handsome if they are someone that she can see as a threat or a possible problem. A movies star might not just happen to end up in Texas and fall madly in love with you or your wife, but the man a few tables over is waaayy too close. I'ld suggest talking to someone about your relationship. Whether it be you alone with a councilor or you and your wife together. I know that it can help. I'm still prayin for you both. I hope all goes very well. Wish you the best!

Beck said...

Your post makes me laugh! You can't say everything that comes to your mind when you see a beautiful guy! I know it's the "new found freedom" you feel inside of you, but you just can't be that open about it with her right now...

I was in an ice cream shop a few days ago and a gorgeous guy with a tight tee-shirt and well built arms came in and stood behind my wife facing the counter. It was all I could do to keep my eyes off of him and on to her when both were in the same line of sight. But the last thing I'd do is say: "Hey, honey, turn around and check out the cool definition of that guy's biceps!" :-)

Mormon Enigma said...

Like I said, I'm not always the brightest bulb on the tree - especially when it comes to women.