Today is the 7th day since I told my wife I'm gay. Actually, I didn't really tell her I'm gay, I told her that I have same sex attraction. Even now I'm having problems saying the actual words out loud (either gay or SSA). I just say things like "that thing about me" or something along those lines. I've held this secret for so long and so deep within me, it is difficult talking about it out loud to another person. Hopefully, that will get easier over time.
Yesterday wasn't so good. My wife was having a hard time. I think things are beginning to sink in with her. My day started out good, but when she has a bad day then I also have bad day. Somehow it doesn't seem quite fair. I have good days and bad days just as she will have. Except, if her bad days don't align with my bad days then my good days may turn into bad days.
Today was also the first Sunday since my coming out of the closet. That made it kind of weird. As I sat next to the Bishop up on the stand, the thought occurred to me: "what is a fag doing sitting up on the stand?" As my eyes scanned the congregation, I thought "what would they think if they knew there was a queer boy sitting up on the stand?" And, yes, those are the words I was thinking. I tend to think in those words when I start getting down on myself.
But, when the sacrament tray was held in front of me, I partook of the sacrament, and I realized that I was doing so worthily. I'm not perfect. In fact, I'm about as imperfect as they come. But, I have a testimony of Christ, I am living the commandments as best as I can, I am striving to magnify my calling (even though it takes me out of my comfort zone), I attend the Temple regularly, I read my scriptures. I pray. There is, of course, much room for improvement in all of these things; but, I am on the right path.
Best of all, I wore matching trousers and suit jacket today (unlike last Sunday). As I was getting dressed this morning I was trying to remember which suit I wore last Sunday. Then it dawned on me: "Oh yea, both of them."
So, today I'm doing OK. Not good, but not bad either. And my wife said she was doing better today. We'll see what tomorrow brings.