Sunday, February 4, 2007

Out of the closet, day 7

Today is the 7th day since I told my wife I'm gay. Actually, I didn't really tell her I'm gay, I told her that I have same sex attraction. Even now I'm having problems saying the actual words out loud (either gay or SSA). I just say things like "that thing about me" or something along those lines. I've held this secret for so long and so deep within me, it is difficult talking about it out loud to another person. Hopefully, that will get easier over time.

Yesterday wasn't so good. My wife was having a hard time. I think things are beginning to sink in with her. My day started out good, but when she has a bad day then I also have bad day. Somehow it doesn't seem quite fair. I have good days and bad days just as she will have. Except, if her bad days don't align with my bad days then my good days may turn into bad days.

Today was also the first Sunday since my coming out of the closet. That made it kind of weird. As I sat next to the Bishop up on the stand, the thought occurred to me: "what is a fag doing sitting up on the stand?" As my eyes scanned the congregation, I thought "what would they think if they knew there was a queer boy sitting up on the stand?" And, yes, those are the words I was thinking. I tend to think in those words when I start getting down on myself.

But, when the sacrament tray was held in front of me, I partook of the sacrament, and I realized that I was doing so worthily. I'm not perfect. In fact, I'm about as imperfect as they come. But, I have a testimony of Christ, I am living the commandments as best as I can, I am striving to magnify my calling (even though it takes me out of my comfort zone), I attend the Temple regularly, I read my scriptures. I pray. There is, of course, much room for improvement in all of these things; but, I am on the right path.

Best of all, I wore matching trousers and suit jacket today (unlike last Sunday). As I was getting dressed this morning I was trying to remember which suit I wore last Sunday. Then it dawned on me: "Oh yea, both of them."

So, today I'm doing OK. Not good, but not bad either. And my wife said she was doing better today. We'll see what tomorrow brings.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Dear Texas -- I really feel for both you and your wife. I have been where your wife is ... It takes time to adjust to these things.

I feel sad that you are having thoughts where you are down on yourself -- I KNOW those thoughts do not come from our Father. Today in Sunday school, someone pointed out the verse immediately following John 3:16: "For God sent not his son into the world to condemn the world,; but that the world through him might be saved." That is the Father's and Son's intent and mission: not to condemn us, but to save us! You are doing so many things that are righteous and good.

I came across someone else's blog today that really touched me: read unusual dude's most recent post. He talks about issues becoming non-issues. I think that is what the Savior means when he says that He will make our burdens light. There is a process to go through, with the key word being 'through.' We learn and grow in our challenges and as we become stronger and wiser, we realize in many ways, they don't have to be huge issues in our lives. All the best, Anonymous