I want to tell my wife about my 'inclinations'. But, I want her to be OK with it. If she is going to freak out then I'm not sure I want to tell her. Don't get me wrong, I don't expect her reaction to be something along the lines of "that's nice dear, what would you like for dinner?". I know it will be difficult for her. But, I also don't want this to end in a divorce (which seems to happen all too often when gay men come out to their wives). Although I'm attracted to men, I'm committed to the relationship I have with my wife and I don't want to do anything that might jeopardize that relationship or my standing in the church.
A few weeks ago I was determined that I was going to talk to my wife about my attractions to men; it was just a matter of finding the right time and the right way to talk about it.
But, now I'm having doubts if telling her is really the right thing to do or not. When I think of the reasons why I want to tell her I realize that they are selfish reasons that would only benefit me. I want to be able to act natural at home. There are certain things I would like to be able to do without worrying that doing so might clue my wife into my gay-ness. Such as: reading certain books (like books by Carol Lynn Pearson), watching a gay themed show (not the smutty ones), etc.
I also worry how well my wife would take the news. A couple of months ago, I talked her into watching the movie "Latter Days" which is about an LDS missionary struggling with being gay. It was on LogoTV (a GBLT cable channel); so, I recorded it on our DVR. It was a risky move on my part since I haven't told her I'm gay. I really like the movie (especially the edited version on LogoTV where they bleeped out all of the bad words), and I wanted her to like it too. Unfortunately, she hated the movie which led to some uncomfortable conversations about why I liked it. I managed to stammer out something along the lines of "I found it thought provoking". Over the next few days she repeatedly brought up different things she disliked in the movie. I've never seen her react so negatively towards a movie before; it really must have touched a nerve. Perhaps, deep down, she suspects I'm gay and doesn't want to face it; and, seeing a gay themed movie brought these feelings to the surface making her uncomfortable. Or, perhaps I'm just over analyzing the situation.
In any case, the first thing I need to decide is if telling her is the right thing to do. Will she and I both be better off if she knew? Or is it better for me to keep her in blissful ignorance? I would like to be able to talk about it openly; but, doing so could very well could backfire and cause her to doubt me and my faithfulness.
But, then I wonder if I'm not giving her enough credit. I've never heard her say anything disparaging about gay people. In fact, she has had more contact with gay people than I have. She majored in Ornamental Horticulture in college - some of the male students in that major were gay. While I was serving my mission, she dated a guy who turned out to be gay. After we married, one of the guys she worked with was gay. Even now, one of the quilt shops she frequents is run by a gay couple. I start to wonder if, perhaps, the Lord has been preparing her for the ultimate realization that she is married to a gay man.
This is a lot harder than I ever imagined it could be.