Fascination

I don't want this to turn into a daily diet diary; so, I thought I would blog about something else (while my stomach growls with hunger).

All of my children were involved in band starting in Middle School and throughout High School. By my calculation, for about 14 years I went to a lot of band concerts and marching band competitions. At these events (particularly the marching band competitions), I’ve always been mesmerized by boy color guards and boy flute players. Sometimes, I would catch myself watching them exclusively and ignoring the rest of the show. I don’t know why. I don’t think it’s a sexual attraction; It’s never been in conjunction with erotic thoughts (that I can recall). Seeing males in roles traditionally associated with females has always fascinated me. I have a similar fascination with male nurses. Although, whenever I see a male in a female associated role, I can’t help wondering if they are gay (doesn’t everyone?).

Just pondering on this, I wonder if it is because, deep down, I want them to be gay. Being gay in a largely homophobic culture forces me to hid my gay side at home, at church, and in public. That leaves me feeling alone much of the time. Perhaps, subconsciously, I want some of the people around me to be gay; because, if they are gay then I am not so alone. I once wrote a verse about these feelings of loneliness:

See Alone by Mormon Enigma

As a side note, I don't know where these verses come from. I never wrote like this before I admitted to myself that I'm gay a few months ago. And I find that I'm only able to write them whenever I have strong emotions about something; usually when I'm writing in my personal journal.